Mr. Me, it is a difficult spot you are in right now. You have read all of the homework cadet has postd for you? I hope you have.
The mist important thing to start with here are the 37 rules. I want you to read then and reread them. Many folks print them out and write notes as reminders and the like. Make sure though that this is put somewhere she will never access like a drawer at work...often the was will snoop on us so it is important to keep this stuff away from them, they will only see your efforts as manipulation and ignore your good intentions.
If she has stopped saying ILY, I would definitely not try at this time. It is pressure to her...you are looking for reassurance from her and she does not want to give it you for whatever reason.
Pressure on the spouse who wants out is like a noose for your marriage relationship. the more pressure you place on this right now the tighter it will get and the harder it makes to breathe.
She already knows you love her. You do not need to say it and she definitely does not want to be reminded of that every time she sees you.
Please read and reread those rules...the biggest impact you can have on your marriage right now is giving space and taking pressure off of her. It is scary but I promise you, you will survive.
I thought you'd say that I never wondered as it would have never occurred to me that she wouldn't be anything else but faithful. He is not new to the group and I know him...
You have no idea how your statement hit home with me. The one thing my H & I always had was trust in each other. It use to bother me, when I younger, that he never seemed jealous. I was too immature to realize jealousy comes from insecurity and that my H felt secure in our MR. One reason my A went undetected as long as it did, was b/c he never believed I would be unfaithful. I pray that one day very soon, your W will realize the treasured trust she abused.
My advice about her going on the trip is to not ask questions that would cause you to appear insecure. Don't ask her to call, or be sad she's going, or anything of that nature. Act cheerful and friendly. If she initiates a hug good-bye, then you can respond to it. Let her be the one to make the first move, in these types of things. Don't take advantage and try to sneak in a kiss, etc. She is not trying to truly reconcile with you, she wanted to be home.
I think that's the pinch you are in the relationship. She's home, but she's not back in the M, really. She is making it clear that she doesn't want to share the close confines of a bedroom with you. She's give you a heads-up that she may never have sexual desire again for you. As a woman and a former WW, I see that as her telling you to stay away from any notions of intimate contact with her.
Her feelings can change. But first, she has to respect you as her H before she can desire you as a man. At the moment, she is satisfied with being home and having you as a friend. IMO, that type of arrangement is like putting you in the brother zone. She wouldn't desire a brother. Women don't want to date a brother. They can enjoy spending time and sharing non-intimate space with a brother.......but her feelings won't turn to something more. Isn't that why guys hate to be told by a woman she loves him like a brother?
So, your goal should be to decide how to establish a stronger role as a leader in your home. Not a Lord, a dictator, or prison warden, but one who is in position to lead. Now to be perfectly clear, I personally think a couple should have the whole "equal-partnership" type of MR,where they can discuss things and come to a decision together. I don't respond to being "bossed around" or talked down to by anyone, especially my H. I think I am just as smart as he is, and capable of doing things he can't...........and he does things I can't do.
I like to think I am a strong, independent woman who does not "need" a man to take my hand and "help" me through life. ( I'll bet your W is the same. ) I will quickly add that I do need my H to be stronger than me. If he is going to be my man, he has to have an inner strength to deal with me! And, I want to feel that whenever I need to be comforted and assured, he is strong enough to do it. If I am afraid or worried about something that affect our home and family, I want to know I can depend on him to be our leader, provider and protecter. If he is afraid and wringing his hands, falling apart.........I won't feel he is strong enough to hold me in his arms. Women need and want their man to be stronger than she is. Which may seem rather complexed for men to understand, when they see women resisting it and wanting to take the role of "boss". So goes the mind-boggling mystery of the female........which is just too deep for guys. . (jk). I think it all goes back to Adam and Eve, and when they sinned, God said the woman's desire would be unto her husband's. So, God put that little "thing" inside of her. She's been a mess ever since! Her old human nature is to do everything equal to the man, and resist submission. But, it's that "thing"..........that softness........that desire........deep inside her soul that takes her right back to Mother Eve. It's that inherent need to turn to her H, who is stronger. (Just my personal take on it). No offense intended.
Oh, and when I married my H, he would not have been considered the alpha male type. I don't know that he would be considered alpha male, now, compared to some other men. I just know he grow much stronger in interrelationships, as well as personal. I think the personal was tougher for him. He definitely became more "alpha" with me! He doesn't let me get away with treating him disrespectfully. He steps up and knows how to take charge. And me? I have a desire unto my husband.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Last night I suggested meeting her and her running group (same people who are going away next week) for lunch as she was on a run, she agreed.
Got a text this morning to say they were not stopping for lunch I decided to ride over anyway to greet her on the finish line, she seemed happy and I didn't linger but was good to see the group again before they go and my fears have abated.
She has suggest just the 2 of us to go to an open air concert tomorrow which I agreed to.
Tonight however she has gone to a gathering of a friend of where she was staying but said she won't be late (he is gay)
Today nobody would have known any difference (apart from me doing my fair proportion of chores and having no alcohol).
I'm hoping with time the sexual desire will return I have started to diet well rather continue eating less as my appetite dropped when the BD.
I broke a rule as she was talking about talking a day off work in January to go to a wedding I said did she want me to come and she didn't say no!
Some one once told me if you have trust and no money worries you'd never need to argue trust me we are not rich but that was why I felt we never argued .
I see where I have let her down I hope it's too late to fix.
Do you think I should instigate the next 'date' time, or let her decide?
We had a really good weekend and spent time together though no discussions of the A, BD or plans for the M were discussed, should I talk about the A or just be happy in our time together and rebuild it that way?
I suppose I know I am trying to mentally rush things rather bide my time.
I'm also SCARED that in a months time she will say nope the magic is there for her and she will go again (I have not mentioned this to W) and I will be back on the precipice looking over the edge.
. (jk). I think it all goes back to Adam and Eve, and when they sinned, God said the woman's desire would be unto her husband's. So, God put that little "thing" inside of her. She's been a mess ever since! Her old human nature is to do everything equal to the man, and resist submission. But, it's that "thing"..........that softness........that desire........deep inside her soul that takes her right back to Mother Eve. It's that inherent need to turn to her H, who is stronger. (Just my personal take on it). No offense intended. 