I wanted to let you know that I read every word you wrote and took them all to heart. I am doing my best to all your points in purple but W simply is not cooperating. I wish she felt the same way you do regarding how important having a father in daughters lives is and I agree with you 100%. If she did even a little I don't think I would be here. She is using the kids against me to hurt me which is incredibly sad. The longer I am away from them the stranger it is to them to see me. The more they see their mom mad and spiteful to me the more they think I must have done something or am horrible. When I am with them I cannot discipline them because they look at me like who are you? also, I don't want to waste the little time I have with them giving them heck.
What am I doing to rectify this? The only thing I can do - I have pleaded then demanded that we set up a set schedule as per our mediator agreement - she refuses. My only recourse at this point is my meeting with a new L early next week. This is going to take a lot of time and money but my goal is to get the time with them that we all need and then slowly rebuild my relationship with each of them to be better than ever.
Thank you V for your caring and thank you everyone.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
D1 is 14, she is awesome, very sensitive, mature for her age, has trouble making friends only because she is more mature than her peers, she is a pleaser but has taken her moms side on this even though I made it clear she didn't have to take sides, we both love her. I really think the taking sides come from her mom, just the way she is in this conflict. W has really taken this one under her wing and does WAY more with her than the other 2. The other 2 resent this. D1 seems to be rebelling against me since she thinks "daddy must have done something really bad for mommy to do this but I don't know what". Her and I used to do everything together and it breaks my heart to see her so distant. I can remember many things since BD that W has done to keep us apart.
D2 is 11 and the most like me, she does many little strange things exactly the way I do. She keeps lots inside eventhough she seems very easy going lots bothers her and she bottles it up. Very hard to get her to talk. She is very caring though and looks after kids with disabilities at her school and doesn't care what the other kids think. She will go to her little sister and comfort her when they are scared. Once when W lost it on me (very rare) and was screaming at me I noticed that D2 went to D3 and hugged her to calm her down.
D3 is 9 and a little sweetheart. She just wants to have fun and be happy, she does not understand what is going on. I would tuck her in each night, rub her back and tell her stories or read with her. We both loved it. She loved doing things with me as well, bike rides, daddy dates, walks to the park, ice cream... anything with her and I she loved.
Together they all seem to be on the side of their mom. I really have been alienated since BD. Foolishly allowing it on my part. I just wanted to keep things calm and agreeable thinking that she would snap out of this. She really put all her effort in keeping them under her wing, doing everything for them, driving them every where eventhough I offered every single day. I am sure body language, saying little things, her reaction when I called or came over, double that with her mother. The month of August they were all away from me.... and now here I am. They have been to my place twice since Aug 30th and I ask all the time.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Duke. I know this is extremely difficult. Put aside any thoughts of what wife may or may not have done. You have no control over that. Get visitation with your daughters set up ASAP. You can only help your daughters with ACTION right now.
So your ex is taking the low road. Shame on her. The day will come when your daughters will see, WITH NO VERBAL HELP FROM YOU, exactly what their mother did to alienate them from thei father, and they will resent her for it. This is not an if...it is a when.
Once visitation is set up, get them into counseling if you think it will help. Make a promise to yourself to say nothing to them about their mom. She's damaging them, you don't need to add to it.
Be the best dad you can be. Girls need their dads to be strong and kind. You CAN do this. Be the better parent, put their needs at the top of your priority list.
You need good L support on this and if you get into contact with your Ds, you will want to protect your butt, in case WW pulls nasty tricks to get your access cut off. Lots of documentation, possibly involving other adults for a while. Courts don't like false accusations, but belt up for a bumpy ride. There are sites for dads fighting for their kids with resources on this. Start as you mean to go on.
Some of my take on this, no doubt mums and dads on the board will intercede if I am off beam.
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The thinking that your Ds are 'siding' with their mother needs to stop. These are children who love their dad, I know this, the two younger Ds will be confused and not even know what you are saying.
If I say to you, you don't have to eat your greens, or don't think about Pink elephants what happens. Elephants eating spinach everywhere! So if you say to your Ds, "you do not have to take sides" what are you really saying? No one likes to be asked to choose. Stop, this is very damaging. You love your Ds, drop this already.....
Children appease the parent they live with, it's natural. And I absolutely 100% guarantee each child will for different reasons plus love want their dad in their lives.
It is important that you treat each of your Ds as individuals, not as the collective from a hive! They are individuals as you have spoken about them.
I am already looking forward to learning about how your R is going to evolve with each of them. It will be different.
Time to change your approach. You can only go forward from here, this is where you are. let go of the past on this, move forwards.
What can you do to connect with each child? Do you facebook friend, talk text, FaceTime every day. Can you start with set times for telephone calls? Send and receive pictures?
Are you happy to have D11 over for a pizza meal and a film if that's what she likes. Take D9 to school. Attend school events, buy tiny treats, put pictures on your fridge. Stand in the cold watching your D play football etc. contact the schools for schedules etc.......
Join Parent Teacher assocs, go on board of governors lots of things to do. What about you going on hols with them?
You can give each of them dad time, it's not all daughters come over or nothing at all!
So what can actions can you take to maintain connection with each of your beautiful gorgeous daughters.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/20/1506:57 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Judy and V you have no idea how much I appreciate your time, caring and advice here. I am truly touched. Now, I have good news and I have bad news.
First the good news:
I picked all 3 up around noon and went grocery shopping before. I made them lunch, chatted and just looked at each of them with a big dumb smile while they ate. After reading some of V's and J's posts I could really appreciate how different and special each of them are. This visit I did not pressure them in any way. I kept the visit fun and light. We watched sports, shows, played board games, read and the best part - had a dance party complete with the Patrick Swayze Dirty Dancing move! It was awesome. I made a point to do something special with each of them that they liked. Just before it was time to go I gave them the "10 minute warning" and they actually didn't want to leave. "just 10 more minutes Daddy". It felt so good and was such a great afternoon. I told them each they are welcome here any time and can come and go as they please. The older one (D14) was a little strange but I think it was because D11 and D9 were driving her nuts. She was also very tired, fell asleep in the guest room and wanted to go home early which was fine. I told her if she ever wants to get away from her sisters to think of this as her own private pad where she can hang out, listen to music, study, whatever she wants to do. I offered to give her a key and even said I would be away the entire time if she wanted to just be alone. She seemed to like the idea. My heart is breaking for her because she seems so sad, confused and mad. I am dying to reach out to her but I have to be so careful.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Let me explain about the sleep, I have told this story before elsewhere so apologies to lurkers who have read it before.
When I fostered there was a pattern with kids under stress, that was after a little while with good food, a safe haven, their own space, they would relax. And sleep, and sleep, and even more sleep. The first time it happened I had a brother and sister staying and they were so quiet, I thought 'mischief' but no they were fast asleep. They slept solidify for about 3 days.
I see this as a good sign.
Relax, get your schedule sorted, a corner is turned, you can never unknow.
Lovely to hear your news
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
