My lizard and her tunnel ...

[late30s]

So this weekend has me reeling a bit. Not much, but a little bit.

W was with us the entire weekend. I stayed good, no R talks, kept up my PMA, no pressure from me. Saturday we drove down to my new job. I had planned on doing this if she came or not. I wanted to show it to the kids. She opted to join us. That drive is about when I started reeling. She spent the vast majority of this weekend talking about the different kinds of houses *we* should be looking into buying.

After the trip down there, she called her brother to see if we could all come over. She hasn't included me in a trip to her brother's house in a very long time. While we were there she was affectionate with me in front of her family. Used lots of nicknames with me.

Sunday we hung out watching Netflix, she put on Realty Brothers and we watched it the majority of the day. They help people to find their dream homes by fixing up cheaper homes. She continued the house talk. Started looking at places in a nearby mountain town and came to the startling realization that those will be in my price range within the next year. She got really excited, called the kids in and started talking about *our* future home.

Earlier in the evening we went to a park close to here, it has an amazing view of the sunset and honestly I had just planned on going up there, hanging out a bit, and watching the sunset. She broke down while we were there, said that there will be a resolution to this situation soon. Started talking about how she realizes she can't have what she wants in life with OM, wants family and stability, she understands that I am the person that offers her that. After the park, she made it known that she was interested in ML. We went home and did that. I made a mistake here, but it has been a long time and I have a difficult time telling her no.

She went back to the apartment, but for the first time in a long time it felt like we connected, like she is starting to wake up a bit. This all comes after a week of her asking me to see her over lunch. I have seen her for the last nine days, this is the most time we have spent together since BD. I have been really good about keeping myself centered and not pressuring her. We have enjoyed each other's company.

I refuse to set myself up for a world of hurt, but there is a part of me that is hopeful now. A small part, but it did increase in size this week. I imagine I should now prepare myself for her to back way off and I am okay with that. Hopefully she'll actually do some thinking.

One great thing I can take from this week, I have become much better about allowing her to see my changes as well. For a long time I kept them from her. I was completely walled up around her, it was nice to let some of that tension down.

My concerns about this weekend:

She was acting very much like my wife and that nothing was wrong. She presented this to her brother and his family, her sister and her family, our kids, and to me. I want this to be the case, but I don't want to see my kids get their hopes dashed.

I'm getting the feeling that she wants to return and just sweep all of the last year under the rug and I can't do that. I don't intend to hold this time over her head in any future arguments but there has been a lot of hurt and I feel like it does need to be addressed. I have expressed to her that I want both of us to have a happy, fulfilling marriage and I would like for it be to each other, but the important part is the happy, fulfilling marriage. I am willing to wait to address this stuff if she comes back, I just don't want her to think that it will never be addressed.

I don't think that she has done any work for herself in this time. How could she? I have been the evil husband for most of the time, everything has been my fault. It has only been the past month or so that she has started to see that I am not responsible for everything going wrong in her life. It seems that is falling to OM. While part of me does chuckle at the idea of him receiving that kind of treatment, I am truly concerned that she doesn't look at her involvement in things. She continues to be the victim who is justified in hurting anyone that doesn't agree with her.

That's about all I have for this weekend. I think it will be nice to come back here and read over this stuff. I feel like this weekend was a pretty big turning point in our dynamic, but time will tell.

Edit *I aer spel gud*