Thanks Sotto, I definately need guidance. I have read DR, and the LRT section many times. I agree that I keep screwing up. I didn't recognize some of those mistakes. My mind kinda shuts off when I talk to her sometimes. I guess I will reread DR again. It's not like I don't have the time.
The reason I told her to find what makes her happy, is that she cannot tell herself what that is.
Last edited by dday; 09/20/1508:53 PM.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
W stopped by, and we made an agreement on child support that should keep us out of court. I asked her why she wanted to sit together at events. She said that she realized that was very mean of her to ask of me. She says that she has gradually detached and I haven't. I told her that I couldn't do it, not to be mean, but that it confused things and hurt me. And the boys. Told her that i am still working on me, and maybe someday she would see it and want me back. Asked her about her comments about the concert. She said that it was something she would probably never do again, because that was an "us" thing. Told me that she still sees me as a friend that she could tell anything. As she was leaving, I told her to take time to find out what would make her happy. She said that she doesn't blame me. I told her that she must, or we would still be together.
I am sure I screwed some things up, but I feel like I made some gains too. Seems like she is seeing some of the consequences for this. That may help my M. Maybe it is a baby step?
Do you see that conversation being productive, or that you were able to make some points for her to think about?
Just to clarify for me, in what ways is she seeing consequences?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She now somewhat realizes that she is going to have a hard time financially too. She mentioned buying jeans for th e boys at a second hand shop. (She said that she will have to hide that from them, because they will be embarrassed.) She knows that I have a boundary now, that I will not just be her friend. She mentioned selling off our UTV, that she had told me that she wanted to keep, because she saw that she will need money too.
Am I thinking clearly on this? I know that it's harder to see, since I am so emotionally involved here.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Become more of the man that I was when I met W. Confident, honest, fun loving, excited and optimistic. Become someone only a fool would leave. (Love that comment) Shut up and listen... and validate Act don't react Let her lead the conversation. GAL, more of that. Patience, patience, patience!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
How do you " move on" from the only thing you want out of life? I am struggling right now, because I could be sitting with her right now at church, and I am second guessing myself.
The only thing you want out of life is her? YOUR life is worth more than just being with her. Its time to get YOUR life on track. What kinds of things are you doing to rebuild you?
As for sitting next to her at church...really? Youre worth more than the crumb of spending an hour sitting a couple seats away from her knowing full well she isnt interested in you.
OK...now on to this one:
Originally Posted By: dday
W stopped by, and we made an agreement on child support that should keep us out of court. I asked her why she wanted to sit together at events. She said that she realized that was very mean of her to ask of me. She says that she has gradually detached and I haven't. I told her that I couldn't do it, not to be mean, but that it confused things and hurt me. And the boys. Told her that i am still working on me, and maybe someday she would see it and want me back. Asked her about her comments about the concert. She said that it was something she would probably never do again, because that was an "us" thing. Told me that she still sees me as a friend that she could tell anything. As she was leaving, I told her to take time to find out what would make her happy. She said that she doesn't blame me. I told her that she must, or we would still be together.
Ill comment in blue:
W stopped by, and we made an agreement on child support that should keep us out of court. I asked her why she wanted to sit together at events. Dont you already know? Why are you asking about this? It sounds like youre hoping she will say something to make you feel good - "I miss you" "I want to be near you", etc. Thats not what happens. So, leave this alone. She said that she realized that was very mean of her to ask of me. She says that she has gradually detached and I haven't. I wouldnt really listen to what shes saying here. Maybe its true, maybe shes saying what she wants you to hea. Who knows. I wouldnt focus on this stuff. I told her that I couldn't do it, not to be mean, but that it confused things and hurt me. Why would you tell her this? Dont give her that power over you. Just dont do it, like you did this morning. No reason to TELL her you arent going to do it. And the boys. No. Sounds like youre projecting your pain on them. But since you had still been willing to comply with sitting with her and being with her, you cant just put it on her, now. I dont think its generally wise to tell the WAS that they are hurting people. Theyll just come back that you hurt them. Told her that i am still working on me, Agree with Sotto here. Dont tell her youre going to change. Just do it. Words are easy. and maybe someday she would see it and want me back. Really? Reread this. Does this sound like its coming from a place of strength? "Im gonna get awesome. Maybe then Ill be good enough for you." Asked her about her comments about the concert. She said that it was something she would probably never do again, because that was an "us" thing. Told me that she still sees me as a friend that she could tell anything. Again, no reason to really discuss this. It is what it is. Ive found its better to look at actions and decipher their meaning instead of trying to get the WAS to explain them. You cant believe anything she says anyway... As she was leaving, I told her to take time to find out what would make her happy. As Sotto said, shes going to take time - in her mind, shes going to take the rest of her life. I wouldnt say things like this anymore. She said that she doesn't blame me. I told her that she must, or we would still be together. The parting shot. It sounds like youre pushing her here.
Overall, to me, it sounds like you are still trying to say the right thing to turn this around. That if you can understand exactly what shes doing at every turn, that you can figure a way to change things. Instead of analyzing the reasons and the thoughts, its time to switch your thinking to a solution-based approach. The why doesnt matter nearly as much as the WHAT. Its time to DO, not TALK.
Thanks az. I am slowly working on me. Hanging out with friends, helping family on their farm. Learning new things, I drove a semi this weekend which is something I never would have expected.
Seems to me that I really need to just shut up when I am around her. If I'm not talking too much, maybe I won't screw up so much. I am still very comfortable talking to her, too comfortable for the current sitch.
I will start rereading DR again tomorrow.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I shouldn't say that the only thing I want is her. Not being with W and the boys is the main thing missing in my life. I can go on, it is not my preference. I will look for more 180s, the first being more excited and happy while around W.
Yes, az, I AM going to be awesome again. Be someone only a fool would leave!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
W did tell me about her weekend with the boys, and asked me how mine was. That was something that she hadn't done for a while. Also, all of our pics, wedding, dating, family vacation etc. Are still hanging on the walls. I take those as positive signs.
Sorry so many posts, I am trying to stay positive, get DB advice, and journal all in one. Let me know what you guys think please, everything I tried before coming here was a bust
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
