Thanks for all the love and support V. All of my DBing friends have been an inspiration and kept me going.
Can you send me a link to Judy's thread?
Just a little more reflection here. I am learning a lot about myself and my relationship patterns. I think this premature dating is actually very useful to me because I am seeing my relationship patterns without having much to lose, and I am learning to break them.
For example, the man I met over the summer has three times left me hanging after telling me--with complete enthusiasm and all initiated by him, that he wanted to get together. He is all gung ho about it until I start to try and solidify plans, then he drops off the face of the earth. Days later he will text as if I nothing happened.
The only times we have gotten together was when he invited me to meet him at his job and I accepted. Every time we have planned to do things on a day off, or before work he flaked. The first time would have been the second time we got together. I truly believed he overslept--he seemed sincere and replied as soon as he woke up to apologize...It was ok because I was going to do what we planned to do even before I met him so I waited 15 minutes then went on my merry way.
The last two times happened last week when he had a few days off and invited me to go kayaking. I told him I would like that and told him the days that worked for me. One of the days I was even in his town getting my brakes done and I told him I was in town if he wanted to meet up. Nothing. Silence. Then the next day he said he wanted to see me, I told him I had choir reheasals. He went on an anti-church tirade in a funny way but still a little intense--the fact that he is anti-religion doesn't bother me. I used to be also, and I don't think anyone else's religous beliefs or lack-there-of is my concern. I made light of it and we got back to a good fun place and again started talking about getting together after and I thought we were on the same page. After I got out of rehearsal I texted "So what's the plan?" and nothing. For 3 days. Then some friendly text about something he was doing at that moment. So if religion was a deal-breaker, then why even bother texting me again three days later? It makes no sense.
I didn't reply. The old me would have. The new me recognizes this as unacceptable. Am I heart broken?--hell no. If he didn't want to get together all he had to do is say, "Sorry, can't" no need for an explanation or anything. All he owes me is enough consideration of my time to not leave me hanging, but he couldn't do that and then he acts like it was no big deal.
So I didn't respond to him. Just now (more than 24 hours later) he texts me with a general "hello beautiful". I have two options. The old me would have just done what I wanted to do in the moment. I would probably end up responding when I felt lonely and vulnerable and just let the whole thing go. The new me recognizes that this is a boundary that I will not allow to be crossed. So I a debating the best way to handle it. Either respond but let him know that I have no interest in making plans with him anymore because he has shown a complete disregard for the value of my time. Or continue to ignore him, which is getting easier every day (but will be difficult when I go through a lonely spell). Ignoring also feels rude and spiteful. It isn't who I am. So I think I am going to wait until morning, then respond when I am feeling strong and empowered. And let him know that I will not allow him to waste my time in that manner ever again.
We have a lot of fun when we are together and there is a lot of laughter. I really like that--and because I am not looking for a boyfriend part of me thinks, so what if we can't get together. But I realize that I am allowing someone to mistreat me and this is something I need to learn to address with grace and confidence.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
A fool is right. Actually that was what he said when he woke up that day--he seemed really mad at himself. I believed him--and still kind of do for that incident, but who knows.
I decided to just delete his last text and not respond. There is no way I can respond to that general text. If I try setting a boundary by telling him I don't appreciate being left hanging, then it looks like I am heartbroken and clingy. If I respond with a curt "hello" then it looks like I accept how he has handled the situation--which I don't. So I will be equally rude and just ignore until he goes away or actually texts something that encourages conversation, rather than just throwing out fishing lines.
Ugh. Is this what I have to look forward to with my new single status?
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Optimism is in full bloom. My very empty home is now so fabulous thanks to relatives cleaning out clutter that has been collected. I am far from an interior decorator and honestly I have been just collecting things for function until I could buy new, but the pieces I got, when all put in my living room, looks so gorgeous. I feel like it is a bed and breakfast. I really thought that everything was going to look like a hodgepodge mess, but it all goes so perfectly together you would think I had a designer come in and choose the pieces specifically for me.
Even my BJs futon looks decadent with all of the nice classic peices. Even the colors all go. And pairing colors is far from my strong point. I think that God is working as an interior designer for me. LOL.
I still have major heartache when I have to drop the kids off on Mondays, so what I have been doing is pretending that it is a bed and breakfast. And after I drop them off I pretend I am the maid and do the housekeeping, getting the place reset for when they come back. I even keep the dining room table set, with fancy napkin folding skills I have been learning. It takes the sting out of the emptiness. And I am always ready for company. In our old home we were never ready for company. There was so much clutter and the cheap furniture was all falling apart. it was a disaster. We never had guests.
I ended up having a small dinner party for my parents and aunt on Tuesday, because Tuesdays still sting. OVer the summer I used Tuesdays for my GAL adventures, but now that summer is over there is very little going on.
I know that the big thing is that I really do need a job. The lonliness is making me let my guard down with my new friends. And I think it is also making me send mixed messages to the one I was talking about before. I am not ready for a relationship. I know that. But I am lonely so I think I send out vibes, and then I pull back. And I think that he is responding to that by doing the same. I'm playing a game without meaning to.
Once I start working again maybe that loneliness will go away a bit. I also met with the lawyer today and I am feeling good about things to come. I should start to see some support from him--and hopefully we will be able to rework the custody schedule to something more balanced. It is 50/50, but I have them all of the weekends. That means I am not there for them during the week much (just the end of the week) and he never has them on the weekend. I am hoping we can alternate full weeks. That way they will not have so many transitions during the week, and I will be able to GAL on weekends occassionally.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Have you thought about decoupage, upscale second hand furniture, especially beautiful pieces for children. Integrating mismatched furniture. After I retire that's what I will do to make some pocket money.
Sounds like you have the eye for up scaling.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/25/1507:10 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Have you thought about decoupage, upscale second hand furniture, especially beautiful pieces for children. Integrating mismatched furniture. After I retire that's what I will do to make some pocket money.
Sounds like you have the eye for up scaling.
V
The funny thing is that I really don't have the eye. Everything that I've gotten has been totally by chance. My aunts sent pictures of the things my first reaction was "not for me, won't go" but I always said, "yes, until I get my own stuff". But then once it was all put together I was amazed at how perfectly it all went.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
