Let's All Be Like Coffee

[V2pt0]

Been a while since I posted because I was out all last week on business. Had a very successful trip with busy evenings so no time to post. Oh, and I learned that I know how to do the Heimlich manuever. I was out to dinner with a bunch of colleagues when my coworker started choking and I had to jump into action. Super scary!

It has been a low-key weekend. I always turn into a homebody after being a away for work, so using the time to rest, work on new goals, re-read DR.

Other news is that H has agreed to go to couseling session tomorrow night. I am keeping my expectations very low. At this point, I feel like it can't make things worse. He decided to go after briefly speaking to the therapist. She said it took some convincing after there was some initial confusion. He and I spoke briefly before he spoke with therapist. He started spew fest, but I tried to validate as best I could, threw in some truth darts, and when he started to go into to blaming me for filing for divorce and the conversation started to go down cheeseless tunnel and I felt myself getting worked up, I said it was not constructive and ended conversation. At one point he said he still loved me too after I said I still loved him. That was the one bright spot. There is still stuff he says that makes me think he does not want D. I still think he is mostly afraid to try and work on things even though he might have parts of him that wants that. I am sure he is afraid of continuing to feel pain and to be let down again.

H stayed at house with dog while I was away. Noticed sticky note on spare bedroom dresser. Was note from OW that she assuming stuck on something that said, "thinking about you. XOXO." Not sure of his point in leaving that benind in a visible spot that I would see. Just to be hurtful??

Ok, so time for fall goals. Below are the goals I have for the next 4 months. The are in order of priority, but I reserve the right to change that up as needed!

1. Fitness and nutrition lifestyle - continue with improved fitness and nutrition lifestyle. I say lifestyle because this has to just become my way of life versus on and off again routine. This area, in particular weight, has a big impact on my emotional and mental well being and was a major factor in my unhappiness the past 7-8 years. I moved to a desk job right after H and I got married and the weight started to come on. On top of that the stresses from finances and my H's schooling did not help because I am a stress eater. The extra weight was probably the biggest factor in my unhappiness and self-esteem. Of course this affected other things like sex life and taking out my unhappiness on my H. I am just one of those people that will always have to work at being at a healthy weight. I know if an make exercise a part of my daily routine, that it will be easier to maintain. Plus, I notice a major difference in stress level when I exercise.

So a few sub goals: As far as nutrition goes, my goal is to eat healthy approximately 85% of the time. That gives me one day a week to indulge a bit. I already walk 3-4 miles every day, but would like to do a more intensive work out 4 days a week. I am also contemplating running a 1/2 marathon next spring. Out of those efforts I hope to lose another 25 lbs. My goal for the weight loss is the end of February. I would like to be half way to that goal by Thanksgiving.

2. Improving Self-esteem - I put this as almost tied with the first goal as they kind of go hand-in-hand. Many of the issues I brought to my M were directly a result of a low self-esteem. I don't think I fall on the extreme spectrum of this, but more lower to moderate. It is also more relationship based than professional as is the case with many who suffer from LSE. Some specifics areas I need to work on: saying what is on my mind, learning to be ok with confrontation, learning I am a lovable person who deserves love, learning to be vulnerable, and that I am an attractive woman. To help achieve this, I have decided to look for new IC that specializes in this.

3. GAL - continue with getting my life back. That means being more social, making new friends, trying new hobbies, and travel. Travel, especially internationally, is a big part of who I am. I want to plan a couple of domestic trips for next year--- maybe Napa and Hawaii, as well as one international trip that is not work related. Top on my list right now is Vietnam. I also plan to dive into my new city committee board position.

4. Career exploration - starting thinking about what I might want my next position to be, what opportunities are out there, and is owning my own business one of them. I am not ready to make a career move yet. There is just too much going on right now to put in the effort needed for that change.