I'm feeling pretty blue today myself, but will share my limited understanding of friendship with a walk away.
First and foremost is detachment. Get to a place where you realize you will be okay either way. Spouse can catch up, or not, their choice. You are going to start living life as "me" rather than "us".
Second, boundaries. Decide what you are prepared to tolerate. If spouse is informing you about dates, and you don't want to hear it, draw a firm line. You deserve to be treated respectfully. This goes for everything else. Protect yourself, lovingly.
Third, friendship with spouse. Realize you are not their best friend right now. Treat them with respect and kindness. Do not share your deepest thoughts/feelings, this is not the time for that. Rather, treat them as you would someone you know just a tad better than a stranger on the street. Distance your heart, but continue to be kind.
This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I am learning and growing. Reading these boards has broadened my understanding and knowledge more than I ever dreamed. For me, focusing on MY OWN journey has made the difference between completely giving up and moving forward. I CHOSE to move forward and become a better me.
Thanks Judy. I know that life goes on, no matter the outcome of my M. It is hard to not be overwhelmed, especially while I am sitting here alone. Boundaries... W isn't with anyone else. My main boundaries right now are: I can't be just friends, because I expect more and want more, so I over analyze everything. I cannot agree with her actions regarding all of our lives being better off after D, so I keep pushing even though I know better. I feel as if she is completely selfish now. I pray for the fog to lift!
Not really a boundary, I guess. But, emotionally I know that I need physical detachment as well for right now.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
D...it is a boundary! Your WAS keeps trying to act like everything is ok/buddy buddy. You're not in the same frame of mind. Distance yourself, kindly. She is responsible for this mess. She's trying to have it both ways. You're not at the same place, emotionally, so don't let her put you there.
W stopped by, and we made an agreement on child support that should keep us out of court. I asked her why she wanted to sit together at events. She said that she realized that was very mean of her to ask of me. She says that she has gradually detached and I haven't. I told her that I couldn't do it, not to be mean, but that it confused things and hurt me. And the boys. Told her that i am still working on me, and maybe someday she would see it and want me back. Asked her about her comments about the concert. She said that it was something she would probably never do again, because that was an "us" thing. Told me that she still sees me as a friend that she could tell anything. As she was leaving, I told her to take time to find out what would make her happy. She said that she doesn't blame me. I told her that she must, or we would still be together.
I am sure I screwed some things up, but I feel like I made some gains too. Seems like she is seeing some of the consequences for this. That may help my M. Maybe it is a baby step?
Last edited by dday; 09/20/1508:24 PM.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Please start a new thread. You now have 104 postings/replies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Dday, without reading back through your threads - have you read DR or DB? If your W has asked for a D, you'll want to move to LRT. At the moment, some of the stuff you are doing isn't a good idea.
I asked her why she wanted to sit together at events - you're initiating a R talk - that's a no no.
It confused things and hurt me - best not to tell her how you feel right now
Told her I am still working on me - it's best to show not tell
And maybe someday she would see it and what me back - this just makes you sound needy and desperate
I told her to take time out to find out what would make her happy - I don't think you're hearing her here. She is telling you she is done - not that she wants to take some time out and think about things. You're trying to mitigate here.
Based on your description of the convo above, I think you need to read (or re-read) either DR or DB and start with some of the DBing basics.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I do want to help and some of the stuff you are saying is just likely to push your W further away right now.
Please try and trust the DB process my friend.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
