In due course we can chat about your dad and the weird hug. That sounds very confusing for you and something may be brewing in your mind, that's worth exploring.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
HI Zeus. If I knew 100% we would never get back together I would want to be best friends who had open communication. Talked a few times a week hung out with the kids ect. I would not want to never talk to him again. I would not want things to be awkward. A part of me feels like that because of his family being my family. I do not want people to have to choose. Plus he has been my best friend for many years I do not want to just throw that away.
V I am glad you are still reading. Yes the thing with my dad was weird. I chocked it up to he was never that way as a kids never supportive never even a good job it was all about what we did wrong. Now that I am sitting her thinking about it I feel I tend to be that way towards my D8 always looking at the negative. This is a very important 180 I need to consider.
Ok so I want to be positive towards myself here for a moment. I can honestly say I am in a much better place right now. I can say I am relieved. I am in a better place to PMA, limit contact, limit seeing eachother, and detatch! Learn to live for me! Today for the first time in several years I am going to buy some new work clothes (scrubs) and do a few things for myself. WE all know I neglect myself for everyone else so It is now about me!
One of my 180's I will work on putting into a goal is being more positive toward myself and daughter.
Another 180 will be less contact with Ex and waiting before replying to his texts unless it is about the kids. Its weird I feel like we are still co-parenting and we dont even have kids together but I am glad it can be this way.
I will also not be helping ex anymore with bills, racing, buying kids stuff ect. That should be the responsibility of their parents. It is not like he is helping my buy anything.
Goals will be to attend Al-anon meeting. therapy next week, and make an extra payment this week on one of my debts. I will also work towards organization and getting back on a routine. I will get them more specific when I am home. Right now I am at Ex's house doing laundry while he is at work and going to spend some time with the kids until he gets home then as soon as he gets here I am leaving. NO need to spend time with him quite yet.
V---I would say awkward and unfamiliar. My dad never hugged us, kissed us, or said ILY when we were kids so having all of this support from him is unfamiliar. I do not even know what to think of it all. I was visiting with him last night about how my mom brother and sister are all toxic people and he admitted he was too. I also let him know I have seen a lot of changes in him from when I was a kid. He is no longer abusive, scary, or not available. I mean he let me move in on a two hour notice says he will do things with D8 said the other two can come stay anytime gave me gas money and is not making me pay anything. It is very unfamiliar and awkward.
I like what is happening with your dad, sometimes with age realisation arises. You may want to discuss this. HPiorot had a big change with his dad, and it required a big open conversation. A lot was revealed.
This will come. I sense dad is reaching out and that is unfamiliar to him as it is to you. Accept, and soon give him a big hug when you are ready, a proper one.
Things are turning and changing, good for you.
So how are you going to be positive with D8?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/22/1504:31 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
How am I going to be more positive? I will make sure to tell her at least 2 good things she has done each day. WE will go back to doing our say 2 good things about your day 2 not so good things and give each other a compliment at dinner time daily.
I am having a hard time getting her to listen to me since this happened. She has excuses to stay up late to just plain not listen so it will be even more challenging. I knew it would happen as it is a big change for her. she has moved had a family split up and moved in with my dad whom she has no relationship with and has been going to my grandmas which again she has no relationship.
I think part of my negative behavior is that I am so unorganized. I have no idea where anything is. I have 3/4 of my stuff in the house the rest in the camper no desk no table. It is adding stress to me. I am so used to having an entire house to spread my stuff and know where it all is.
I will be working on this also. I am attending my first Al Anon meeting thursday evening. Pretty excited! I know you guys will think its silly but Ex has a certificate from college to be a mechanic so I have never had to worry about maintaining my car even when we are split up I rely on him to do it. Today I called someone I knew that works at a shop and i am having them change my oil. NO MORE RELYING ON THE EX FOR THIS! I am relying on his house to do laundry but it also gives me time to be with d4 so it benefits me most and i leave within a half hour of him coming home. Tonight I just started gathering things up he asked if I was leaving I simply said yes gave the girls a hug and kiss and left. Yes was the only word I said to him the entire half an hour? Should I do this if he does not start the conversation or should I start a positive conversation. I do not want to put anymore distant there but also do not want to pursue?
I am so impressed with you! You have made so many changes in such a short time, it must have been brewing for a while and you were ready for it. Just wanted to give you a big pat on the back for all your hard work!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
well V I am headed to Al Anon tonight. Pretty nervous but I am sure I will be fine. The leader is actually meeting me a half hour before just to visit with me which I felt was awfully kind of her. I am trying to take changes very slowly. I am buying myself new things (clothes, shoes, scrubs) for one I deserve new things also and for two shopping is stress reducing lol. I also think it will help me to feel better to do things for myself. D8's dad bought me two tickets to a concert to take anyone I want with me...He said he bought them because I need to get out more often...He is very good to me and D! I am taking a friend and we are getting a hotel. I think it will be a blast I have only been to three concerts in my life so I am planning to buy a new outfit and get dolled up to go. it is in October. I am taking the three kids to watch ex race tomorrow. He did not even ask for me to help pay which was nice.
I had a sad realization the other day about how little I do do for myself. I told D8's dad I needed to leave for gymnastics right after school to go to the shoe store. He immediately said she did not need new shoes...seems so minimal but in reality to me it shows that no one thinks I am doing anything for me they all jump to the conclusion it is for someone else. Kind of made me sad. I did later tell him they were for me. (he rides to gymnastics with us once a week to watch her as it would be an hour each way for him)
I have already bought myself two pairs of shoes on clearance a shirt and a bunch of cute Pajamas. Scrub pants a few new shirts are within the next few months.
I try to talk to the ex as little as possible right now. He calls or texts almost everyday about something little. when I left he said he would no longer be changing the oil in my car ect (he is a certified mechanic) so I called a friend and asked if her boyfriend would do it he said sure. So I told ex I needed to drop D8 off early so I could get it done he replies with you have an oil filter and fuel filter here you know. I simply replied I did not know that If you would like to change it next time you can let me know so I can use those parts if not I will continue taking it to XXX change it you did state you did not want to do it anymore so I was respecting your wishes. He then went on about how he was not packing my stuff up just trying to sort stuff out I am more than able to leave stuff at the house ect. Then talk about the kids and having a surprise run in with OW being at the house and someone unexpectadly dropping by with one of the kids. He told D7 it was none of her business why OW was there and not to worry about it I am sure in a kind way. I thought it was kind of odd he is not ready to tell the kids yet and she is ok with that as it has been a year but it is none of my business and I went on to a different conversation. Not my problem anymore...
As for being more positive with daughter we had a rough night last night because she does not want to do anything by herself not even go in and put her pajamas on. It worries me. she was never like this before. I am reminding myself to choose kinder/softer words with her and allowing her to make choices. I will offer her a few positives about the day tonight before bed.
I was talking to Grandma about ex calling me daily about silly things and she said he just does not want to let me go but does not want to let her go either. NOt sure about this thoughts????
Anyways I decided starting Sunday I need to distance myself a little further not jump to answering him as soon as he calls or texts. I need to give him time to figure things out before jumping to help him. He is the one who wanted a different R and by answering his questions, calls, texts and helping him I am only allowing the same behavior to continue. He needs to figure out what it is like without me before he will ever think twice about what he is doing. I did comment to his mom the other day about how nice it is to go home and put D8 to bed and not have to worry about someone asking me what my plans are for the week, how much money we have, if I was going to the store, doing laundry, getting what seemed like 15 schedules done for the week, are you staying up with me, why are you grouchy, whats for supper...I can just come home and do what D8 and I want. PEACEFUL! I only have me and her to stress over. it is sure helping with the healing. When I told her I was going to buy myself stuff as it was time she looked at me silly and said really I am so glad you are because it was silly you were not taking care of yourself. She said she could tell how draining it was taking care of everyone else but me! I am so glad she is so supportive.
PAINTER! HI! thanks so much sometimes we all like encouragement. I think I knew this is what needed to happen I was just so scared. WEll no reason to be scared now I have already done the hard part now its just healing forgiving and learning. Taking care of myself for once. Ofcourse we all know what my end goal is but my TOP priority is me! thanks all for your support. Off to drop her off and head to get oil changed and Al Anon meeting.
