Flailing

[Lost08]

Hey Lost...know the exact feeling. Your feelings are so pure, so powerful, so deep...it feels like the universe is telling you this was meant to be.

What I've learned from all of this is that feelings are not true. Feelings are real. Feelings feel good or bad. But strong feelings don't necessarily mean something is good or bad.

Now- before I tell you my thoughts on the interaction let me tell you this- you didn't 'mess anything up'. Using my own timelines I can tell you that I didn't even BEGIN DBing until 90 days in, or at least the first 90 days I was still holding on with a closed fist. So don't worry that you can't change your feelings like a switch.

But I disagree with mutatio about there being 'no wrong' since this was sincere. Where does DB say that acting on sincere feelings is ok? The problem is that, while genuine, you are acting on strictly your own feelings. "We MUST be together" (because I want us to be, because it makes me feel good when we're together, because I am scared to be on my own, me me me). And because this is what I want I am going to ask God to be on my side and change your heart around so that you don't need what you need and can fall in line with how I need you to be for me to get what I want.

Totally invalidating.

Where in there are his needs? His hurts? The pain that drove him to the point he felt this was his only way to remain a man? This type of speech probably made him think "more of the same, always about her, always about how I'm not doing it right, does she ever think about how if she had done A/B/C differently we wouldn't be here?, but no, it's all on me, and now she's trying to use whatever attachment we have together and God to try to control me more, I still feel for her but if I live under her thumb anymore I'll be destroyed completely, I need to be free to be my own man and be around people that let me be who I am"...


Oh Zues! Is that how it sounded? The words about character and choosing to trust him came from a DB coach. But that was from my one session a few weeks ago. It was what she suggested I say to him when we said good-bye. Actually, she suggested saying something to the effect of I was "choosing to trust he would do the right thing." I thought that might have been putting too much pressure, guilt, control on him so I tried to change it. H had said to me very early on that he couldn't see how I would ever believe him/trust him anymore in future calls/contact from other country. I was trying to approach it in that spirit but I think I might have misjudged the moment and your interpretation is probably identical to his as a man.

Obviously another way I pushed him and hurt him and drove him to leave.