Wife left, and I've only made it worse.

[johne]

Alright, I'll make this as short as possible. If it is possible.

Wife of 14 years left about 3 months ago. Month before she left I caught her having an online affair. She had met the guy a few times, but I know for a fact they never did anything.
So, after I had caught her I realized that there is an underlying problem.

I asked what needed changing, and worked very hard to fix it. She swore she wasn't talking to him anymore, and I believed. A month later I hacked her snapchat, and saw they were still talking.

I confronted her, and asked why. We argued a little, and she left. Begged her to stay.

Next day I begged, cried, said I would kill myself and everything. She wouldn't come home.

That night our 15 year old daughter told me she say mom texting the guy, and they were going to meet. I called her, and told her. She yelled and screamed.

Came home at 1 am, and we had a huge fight. She beat the [censored] out of me, and ended up on the ground a few times. Next day I put an exparte on her.
She was going to do it, but I got to court house first. That pissed her off. She begged me to remove it, and I did in less than a week.

Since then it's been both of us say F-off, I hate you, and just about anything you can think off. I recently boxed all her stuff up, and made her come get it. I did buy her a washer and dryer for her house she is renting. Anyway, we have been horrible to each other. She comes up with a different reason why she won't come home.

She has told people she is 110% sure she is never coming back. Has told me she doesn't want to be with me. She did say she hoped one day I would forgive her. She used to respond to me no matter what. Now she just ignores me. I would say I was quite a bit meaner to her then she me.
I feel bad when I do it. I am a controlling person, and that was part of the problem. She said she may be broke, but she's happy. Doesn't feel like she's walking on eggshells, and living someone else's life.
So, I sent her an email apologizing for everything, and saying I know she won't believe me, cause I'm nice one minute then an ass the next. I asked her if she would like to try NC for a few weeks or months. Whatever she wants. I asked to just let me know. She never responded. I'm just going to do that and see what happens.

I do love her, and would do anything for her. She might've come home by now if I would've left her alone when she left, but I have been so pissed for the last 3 months it's hard to be nice.

I've been left with all bills, and then she complains to me she has no money, but she can drive all over the place, and go to a sports bar with her friends.

Anyway, it's time to accept she probably won't come back. She had given me the I love you cause you were my husband and father of my children, but not in love speech. I doubt there is any chance, but NC is the last resort.

Any other advice? She has said that I might change for a week or month or a year, but I'll go back to the way I was.