Flailing

[Lost08]

Part 2

Up before 4. Such broken sleep, if any. My eyes are so bloodshot I look like I've been on a bender for weeks.

I pace around a bit. Hate myself for pacing and know it looks exactly like what it is - I'm waiting for him. Berating myself for not having more upbeat, positive energy. So burdened with what I want to say. So afraid to say anything.

Make a few comments that I hope sounded friendly.

Go to wait outside by the end of the driveway for H while he tried to stir the kids to say goodbye. I needed to not be walking around him.

He came out eventually, fumbled with rearranging some of the chargers & things for his carry on. I started to feel anxious that the limo would come early and I wouldn't get to say what was on my mind.

So, I started speaking, trying not to cry. SO not eloquent. I stopped and started again. The look on H's face, I think he was afraid of what I was going to say and what kind of relationship talk I was going to dump on him.

Thing is, I can't take back what I said. It's out there. I prayed for divine direction and for the Holy Spirit to help me. I don't know if I was open enough to it or not or if in my human need to say things (control thing?) my words just pushed him more away. I really hope not. But I can't change it. I hope I can stop thinking about it.

I said we've been married for over 19 years and I think it takes a lot to make it that far. I said I'm still your wife, your friend. I think there's still a chance for us to make it. I said I love you.

H pulled me into a hug and said "I know you do, W. I know you do."

I pulled away after a little bit, trying not too cry. I actually tried to compose myself better and said out loud, I'm not going to cry. Wan smile.

Looking at him, off and on - I just couldn't maintain full steady eye contact and speak without crying, I said "For me, you've always been a man of such character, that's why this was so devastating. But, deep down, I still believe you are a man of character. I'm choosing to trust you. Slight shrug of shoulder, momentary eye contact, I said "Right or wrong, I'm choosing to trust you."

Cue moment of eternity that was really like 10/15 seconds of H looking at me. Idk if the look on his face was hurt or guilt or pity for me that I would trust him because he knows what he's about to go off and do. Idk. H pulled me into another hug, another kiss on the head. Said "Thank you."

And then I looked him in the eyes and hand on my heart, said "This is for me. This is for me to say goodbye." And I held his face and gave him a small, gentle kiss on the lips. And a hug.

I didn't feel anything. And I don't know if just completely ruined any DB'ing that I tried to do these past weeks. It's been 5 weeks since BD.

Limo then pulled up. White stretch limo!
I tried to joke about getting one that looked like he was going to a wedding. Loading luggage, all that.
Then he came over for one last hug and one last kiss. Not sure, he might have been going for my cheek, but we briefly kissed one last time on the lips.

I hate that I didn't feel anything. I know I was holding back.
I don't know how to do this now.

So exhausted and I still have to wake the kids, do all the sports and shuttling around and work all night with everything on my mind. I still don't have someone to watch S12 while I'm at work.

I'm already thinking, how the heck am I doing to talk to him on Skype? What's right? Should I be aloof or should I be open and chatty because it seems he might have responded more to the contact than none?

Everything will change again with him down there. With OW every day. With no tension. Only good feelings. As good as some of our moments were these past couple of weeks, I can't turn a blind eye to the fact that there have been more tense, uncomfortable moments since BD which make him doubt our M even more. A broken, damaged, dead M compared to a new, exciting OW. VOMIT.

I'm starting to fear I wasn't able to cut thru my pain enough to create enough good memories...

I always seem to fall short.

I don't want to think about what I may have to face when he returns. D14 asked him if he would be home for Christmas. He told her yes. But neither of us know if that's really true. He told me last night there's a chance they may ask him to stay longer, up to at least 12/23, and if that's the case, there's always the chance he won't make it back in time at all.

He never told S12 he was going away for so many months. Now I guess I'll have to do it.

Please pray for me. Please have patience with me as I continue to post my stupid struggle and mistakes and returns to cheeseless tunnels.

Why couldn't I have just had the strength and calmness and as-if acting skills? Why didn't I pretend to be Mary Poppins happy, buy him some coffee before he left and wished him a great trip?


I HATE THIS. I really think I hate myself too