Flailing

[Lost08]

Because it's who I am. Because I need to get it out. Because I'm completely wrecked and overanalyzing, here's my book about saying goodbye to H.

Part 1

Around midnight or so, before going to sleep, I stood on the porch. H came out, made some small talk about the kids, then turned to me and said "I'm done. Can I have a hug?"

Of course I gave him one, holding all my feelings still. I can't allow myself to have any feelings when we hug. I feel nothing. I wonder if it's the same for him?

He then pulled away and looking at me (with full eye contact,) said "I love you, W. I do love you. Can't just turn it off like a switch. I know I haven't been saying it, I don't know why. But I do" And he gave me another friendly hug and a kiss on the top of my head.

I didn't know what to say. What was right. It felt like a goodbye of sorts. Another ILYBNILWY. Looking right at him I said "I love you, too. I'm gong to miss you."

Another hug, another kiss on the cheek. Another overwhelming feeling of H moving on washed over me and I couldn't shake it. Idk if it was my fear or intuition.
While hugging I said "I guess this really is goodbye then" trying to hold tears in. But he didn't hear me, or if he did, wanted me to repeat it because he pulled back, put his good ear towards me and asked "What?". I didn't say it again. I said it was nothing.

Went to bed. But when he came in to bed, I couldn't stop myself. H said something about the day and I told him I hoped he didn't think I was chasing him. That I want him to know I'm not chasing him. He said "No, no. I didn't think that."

Climbed into bed, and he rested his hand on me while he went to sleep. I told him I thought the last few weeks were pretty good for the most part. That I enjoyed them. H agreed saying "I thought so too. It was nice."

No real sleep. For either of us. H ended up awake for most of the night with a coughing fit. And now here I am.