Ripe, thank you for posting that link to the Boundaries post. I learned a lot. Don't want to hijack Judi's post, but let's just say I have been setting boundaries, but going about it in the wrong way. I think if I practice the ideas from the link I can probably make a LOT more progress. Thank you!
I love Al Turtle on boundaries, try googling, boundaries Al Turtle. He writes for teenagers so it's lovely full of metaphor and analogy. Photo, I know you would love it as you have a great imagination and sense of humour.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/18/1506:30 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Please start a new thread. You have 102 postings/replies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have a lot to report tonight. You know that I'm still in the early stages. I need to recap a few things, so I can comment on surprising info.
In the days following BD, I was lost and scared. I found this site, and ordered DR right away. I read it as soon as I got it, and started implementing some things right away. Specifically, quit doing what was bothering spouse right away and start doing things that had been a problem. In other words, begin acting in a way that shows you were listening.
As soon as H filed for D, I lost all hope. Retreated to my room and mourned. I only started coming back around once I began posting here. I immediately began acting on the advice you guys provided.
Tonight, I had a talk with H. I was calm, patient, strong, and friendly. I told him that I was prepared to take 100% of the blame in our situation for the things I have actually done, but I was not going to accept the blame for any of his choices that led to the filing of D. I also told him that yes, I am willing to extend him forgiveness, with no expectations. I said that I hoped he could find the same kind of forgiveness in his heart for me.
We started really talking at that point, and this is what I really want to emphasize for my fellow DB'ers. My H said that he had noticed that I seemed to be really progressing for a while, and then seemed to stop, and then started back up. You guys!!!! He's talking about noticing the times I was doing things DB style!!!
I validated what he had noticed, and said I had only backed off on my changes when I had to stop and grieve the loss of our M. I explained I needed that time for myself. I told him I had made some decisions, and the reason I started back up had little to do with him and everything to do with me and the person I need to be for myself. He seemed to understand what I was saying.
He said he was afraid to trust that I would continue the way I am now, and worries everything will go back to the way it used to be. I told him I understand why he would feel that way, but I have no desire, for myself, to return to any actions that had made me so very unhappy. He said he wondered what would happen with the kids if we told them we weren't getting a divorce, and then wound up getting one later. I suggested we not tell the kids anything at all, because there was a lot to work on. We talked about a few other routine things, and then I just left him alone.
I did not ask for reconciliation. I did not get emotional. I just left it there. The reason I'm excited to share this is because my husband's comments clearly show that HE NOTICED when I was working hard at DB!!!!
The two of us did a lot of damage to our M. It will take a lot to fix it. But he is no longer rushing me about D. He was talking kindly to me. He's worried about our kids. I could SEE he is struggling with what he should do. He doesn't know what he wants right now.
For me, my goal is to work consistently at DB. Become a woman only an idiot would leave. Be kind. Let him notice.
I really hope this small show of progress helps my fellow DB'ers.
