Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[Flight]

Starsky, I have looked and going back to over 300 pages, your sig line always says "piecing". Maybe your story is in the archives? I was wondering how you started, what you did "wrong", how you applied the techniques and how you saw it start working. Thanks!

[Zues126]

The "overall" answer is that no, she has not felt like she has lost me and I am "moving on". How do you do that while still living under the same roof and parenting a child together?

I think the answer is you move on. Not in the sense of burning bridges, getting in a new R, or moving out necessarily. But literally letting go and moving forward with your own life.

She will know when you've let go. And she will know when you haven't. So this can't be a strategy. It has to be you accepting reality and deciding you're not going to live your life with your happiness contingent upon someone else that may not be ready to match your commitment.

This isn't something you can achieve overnight. It might take months or years. There is no easy button. That's why we encourage you to start now. The best time to plan a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

[Flight]

Having an emotional day today, not sure why. Sure could use help with detachment, confidence, self-esteem...

[RAI]

Sometimes just hearing from a fellow DBer is a pick-me-up - I know I get a little buzz every time someone replies on my thread...so here I am. I hear you and you are not alone. There are hundreds of us. We are all here on this board, trying to be the best we can be. You are here because you care about yourself and your sitch. that is admirable.

Here are some ideas that may help get you through the day:

What has helped me in the past is doing something that triggers memories of better days. Music is a very visceral trigger for me. Find some songs that you used to listen to when you were young and fearless. Play them on endless loop today. There are songs that are uplifting for LBSs in particular. I have been toying with starting a thread like this and have even posted a bunch of DB songs in my old thread.

Perhaps you can go outside and do some exercise. That helps me tremendously. I know what a "runner's high" is now.

Watch a Ted talk. they are full of people who have transcended their chitty circumstances.

Lastly, if all else fails: I recently heard someone use the term "cycling". It is fancy way of saying that you will have good days and bad days - especially early on. It is ok to have bad days. You can't go over, under or around them. You have to go *through* them. Allow yourself to feel the emotional pain. It would be abnormal not to feel it.

yours in strength,

RAI

[Flight]

RAI, that is just what I needed, right when I needed it. I was moved. And so I got moving I am going to take care of myself tomorrow and let her know I will be out and won't be back until very late. Going to have them kick me out as the last straggler at an amusement park.

[Flight]

Well, I went to the park and didn't get home until 1am. I had a great time. The last time I tried, I couldn't take it because of all the family memories there.

I am still a little impatient with the progress of things or lack thereof. Things have been ok this week and I have been out every night with a group counseling session, men's night, and my own time. I am going to see if she wants to participate with D as a family this weekend and if not, I will go alone with D.

Still trying to figure out how to detach and still be pleasant and fun, but not too available.

[Flight]

Well, I went to the park and didn't get home until 1am. I had a great time. The last time I tried, I couldn't take it because of all the family memories there.

I am still a little impatient with the progress of things or lack thereof. Things have been ok this week and I have been out every night with a group counseling session, men's night, and my own time. I am going to see if she wants to participate with D as a family this weekend and if not, I will go alone with D.

Still trying to figure out how to detach and still be pleasant and fun, but not too available.

[RAI]

glad you had a good time at the park.

I am still a little impatient with the progress of things or lack thereof.

Your patience will definitely be tested. Have you ever read "oh, the places you'll go" by Dr. Seuss? Sometimes I feel like we are all in the "waiting place".

What do you mean by progress? What are you looking for? You should be expecting changes in yourself as you progress towards your own greatness. But these changes are small and very gradual, therefore they will be imperceptible over the short term. I see the progress I have made in the last year.

So again, I ask you, what did you mean by progress?

RAI

[Flight]

Progress in seeing changes in the relationship.

[RAI]

If your sitch is like others on this board, the breakdown of your M is the product of years of resentment. It takes a very long time to undo all that resentment. Your W is not going to instantly come back because you are making changes. I was told the same thing when I was a newbie. A bit hard to swallow, and I am sorry you are going through it, but the changes you make in you will be permanent no matter the outcome. You will emerge a better person when you're done.

RAI