Confused newbie

[sandi2]

I guess I am looking for the "loss" that triggers her to reconsider her actions, and the birth that Sandy talks about.

Here's the thing, all you can do is protect yourself. Hold firm boundaries and know what the consequences will be if she doesn't honor your boundaries. The other consequences will come from a different source, in which you may have nothing to do with it. It could be something that just begins to break through the fog and slowly causes her to see the reality of her situation.

How do I know the difference in her actions between trying to reconnect, and cake eating?

Let me ask you, what value does her reconnecting have if she's not interested in doing the right thing and reconciling? If she doesn't feel sorry for the pain she's caused, or still blames you for her unhappiness.....how authentic do see that re-connection?

Until you can see her actions, behavior, attitude & speech, consistently line up with her attempts to connect personally with you.......I'd say it's cake eating. The LBH wants so badly to believe she wants to connect, that she can pull him into what turns out as cake eating.

There may be times she is having troubles, feeling sorry for herself and wants to turn to you for comfort. It's all about her emotions. Don't be misled by any emotional play. When she says something about family time "for the kids' sake", it's all about her. Everything is about herself. Selfishness is her motivator. If she truly gets her head on straight and her heart is clear of the old resentment, disrespect, unforgivness, etc., and you can see some humbleness in her......be on guard.

She still acts very concerned for me and my wellbeing,

When it comes to choosing between your wellbeing and her wellbeing, guess who comes out on top?

should I sit down with her and show her what she is doing financially to me? Will that appear needy, pushy, or could that possibly help to open her eyes?

I don't think it would make you appear needy or pushy, if you don't whine or plead with her. How much has she dealt with finances in the past? If you handle it in business fashion, you could try. Most likely, she will say she's sorry (for you) but has to look out for herself.

Not sure exactly how you mean by helping to open her eyes. Do you mean in how you will be affected financially, or her? Bottom line is it's only when she doesn't get what she wants, that seems to really affect her. That's why the sooner reality bombs her fantasy, the better.

I think she dangles you by saying just enough to keep you hoping she'll consider R. That keeps you emotionally attached to her. It's kind of like trying to catch flies with honey. As long as you think there's a chance she may change her mind, she has a bigger chance in getting more of what she wants, b/c you are more pliable. See what I mean?

[dday]

I agree with you Sandi, she is relying on me as plan b right now. When do I let her know what boundaries I have? When she appears ready 5o try?

[dday]

Well, I just blew up in the lawyers office. Showed her that I would have 55/week left and that I would not be able to afford to drive to work and feed the kids. She said that all she knows is that she doesn't want to be married. And this is what's best for the kids. I told her that I was done going to church with her, and don't bother bringing me a chair at the ballgames. I will now get the rest of my stuff out of the house. I feel bad for it being this way, but I am done being pushed around. Probably just destroyed any chance of getting back together, and that is what I want more than anything.

[dday]

Well, what do I do now. LRT still or go completely dark?

[sandi2]

No, I doubt it destroyed a future R, if you'll stick to what you told her. I think it may have taken this last encounter to help you see her more clearly. The selfishness is astonishing. She lives in a fantasy and lies to herself about what she's doing to the kids.

When do I let her know what boundaries I have? When she appears ready 5o try?

When you are living separated from her, there's just so much you can do. Basically, treat her as if she were anyone else showing disrespect toward you, or taking advantage (as WW's will do). You can't force her to do like you want her to do, therefore, you have to be ready with a plan for you to do some kind of action that protects yourself from her disrespectful ways. She may, or may not find it as a consequence, but she should.

A couple of very minor examples, if she screams and yells at you on the phone, you discontinue speaking to her via phone calls. If she acts ugly when swapping kids, you stop entering her house and let the kids come out to your car.

I suggest you have the court decide the visitation (b/c she'll more than likely abuse it), holidays, special occasions, summer vacation, etc. If it's court ordered, she can kick & buck all she wants, but she has to follow it.

[dday]

I saw her again this afternoon while I was moving more of my stuff. She told me that the reason she wants out of the M is that I have hurt her too many times, and she won't allow herself to be hurt again. (Years ago, I drank while depressed, and we would get into 2 arguments a year. Her estimate, not mine.) She said that I waited until she checked out, before I got better. I told her that when she found the girl I married, I want to see her. Until then, I don't want to be just friends. Back to LRT, and working on detaching

[dday]

I think that my trying to be super H has made this so much harder on me. While I had put her on a pedestal and tried to make life great for her, I fell in deeper. Love is based in actions that you perform. The more I did for her, the stronger I felt, the more I wanted to do. It blinded me to what she was doing to me. I still think she is the prettiest girl in the room, but I don't know what is real or fake. She always seems happy in public, and according to her, she has been living a lie for years. Then yesterday, she told me how much it sucked that her D filing was in the newspaper. I am still completely in love with the girl I had the first 13 years together, but I don't much like the person she is this year. I hope the poison gets out of her system, for all of our sake. I miss the old her. The real her.

[dday]

And, if she is "tired of living a lie", why did she want us to appear as a happy normal family when we were in public, around people she knows? I need to realize that I am never going to understand what is going on with her, and just work on me. I am having a hard time convincing myself...

[sandi2]

I saw her again this afternoon while I was moving more of my stuff. She told me that the reason she wants out of the M is that I have hurt her too many times, and she won't allow herself to be hurt again. (Years ago, I drank while depressed, and we would get into 2 arguments a year. Her estimate, not mine.) She said that I waited until she checked out, before I got better.

That's just her way of trying to justify her wanting out.

I told her that when she found the girl I married, I want to see her. Until then, I don't want to be just friends

.

Perfect response!

I think that my trying to be super H has made this so much harder on me.

If only we could convince men when they first come here, but they won't believe it until they see they see for themselves. At least you see now, and are thinking straight.

She always seems happy in public, and according to her, she has been living a lie for years. Then yesterday, she told me how much it sucked that her D filing was in the newspaper.

What you saw when she was in public, was an act. She was showing the public the image she wanted them to see. Even with those who know her, she wants to maintain a certain "image". That's why she is still trying to conceal the truth about her filing for D, and wanting you to continue the phoniness in Church by sitting with her.

And, if she is "tired of living a lie", why did she want us to appear as a happy normal family when we were in public, around people she knows? I need to realize that I am never going to understand what is going on with her, and just work on me. I am having a hard time convincing myself...

"Tired of living a lie" is what we call script. B/c that same line is said by the majority of WW's. Just like they rewrite history and say they never really was in love or hadn't love their H for years. You can't believe this stuff she says. It is all garbage she's saying, trying to make you see she's through with the M, and convince you to stop trying to save it.

In time, she could change her tune, but for now........

[dday]

Thanks Sandi, I am glad to see that my thinking is getting onto the right track. Detach and LRT... anything else? And yes, she is rewriting history too