I guess I am looking for the "loss" that triggers her to reconsider her actions, and the birth that Sandy talks about.
Here's the thing, all you can do is protect yourself. Hold firm boundaries and know what the consequences will be if she doesn't honor your boundaries. The other consequences will come from a different source, in which you may have nothing to do with it. It could be something that just begins to break through the fog and slowly causes her to see the reality of her situation.
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How do I know the difference in her actions between trying to reconnect, and cake eating?
Let me ask you, what value does her reconnecting have if she's not interested in doing the right thing and reconciling? If she doesn't feel sorry for the pain she's caused, or still blames you for her unhappiness.....how authentic do see that re-connection?
Until you can see her actions, behavior, attitude & speech, consistently line up with her attempts to connect personally with you.......I'd say it's cake eating. The LBH wants so badly to believe she wants to connect, that she can pull him into what turns out as cake eating.
There may be times she is having troubles, feeling sorry for herself and wants to turn to you for comfort. It's all about her emotions. Don't be misled by any emotional play. When she says something about family time "for the kids' sake", it's all about her. Everything is about herself. Selfishness is her motivator. If she truly gets her head on straight and her heart is clear of the old resentment, disrespect, unforgivness, etc., and you can see some humbleness in her......be on guard.
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She still acts very concerned for me and my wellbeing,
When it comes to choosing between your wellbeing and her wellbeing, guess who comes out on top?
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should I sit down with her and show her what she is doing financially to me? Will that appear needy, pushy, or could that possibly help to open her eyes?
I don't think it would make you appear needy or pushy, if you don't whine or plead with her. How much has she dealt with finances in the past? If you handle it in business fashion, you could try. Most likely, she will say she's sorry (for you) but has to look out for herself.
Not sure exactly how you mean by helping to open her eyes. Do you mean in how you will be affected financially, or her? Bottom line is it's only when she doesn't get what she wants, that seems to really affect her. That's why the sooner reality bombs her fantasy, the better.
I think she dangles you by saying just enough to keep you hoping she'll consider R. That keeps you emotionally attached to her. It's kind of like trying to catch flies with honey. As long as you think there's a chance she may change her mind, she has a bigger chance in getting more of what she wants, b/c you are more pliable. See what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
