Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Sorry I have been MIA. Court dates keep getting put off which means nothing much is changing--for example the bogus Order of Protection was supposed to be dealt with today but since it was just transferred from the family court judge to the supreme court judge so that it can be dealt with along with the divorce--the files haven't been delivered yet and it would have been a waste of time to go if that couldn't be dealt with. I just want it dropped. Also, he needs to start giving me temporary support to cover my expenses since he had me removed from the home. My credit cards are coming due soon and I don't have the money to pay them in full. I hate carrying a balance, but now I feel under the gun because I don't have enough cash on hand to cover the additional costs of having to move without any of my household stuff.

To clarify questions from my previous post:
The housing complex where I used to live (and he still lives) is part of campus housing where he works. I was advised to stay away. When my son wanted his bicycle I had to park at the end of the block so he could walk up to get it. The whole situation is just as inconvenient for H as it is for me but nothing can be done until we get in front of the judge. I believe he will drop it, or it will be thrown out. Worst case scenario it will become a two sided order with equal restrictions on both. But the date keeps getting pushed off so now it has been 3 months.

I ended up getting the kids after school the first day of school and had them until that Thursday. Last night was back to school night where, of course, H and OW were the first people I saw. She bolted when she saw me. H wouldn't make eye contact even when I was trying to be civil by saying hello--so I just pretended he was invisible every time I had to cross paths with him the rest of the night.

I noticed that I am much friendlier now around other parents because I'm not so worried about what he thinks and how I am representing him--so in some ways it was less stressful than in the past. I got a lot of compliments on how I am looking--and of course me reading into those compliments wonder if it is because they know my situation and are being kind out of pity, or if it was just genuine kindness. But I decided to stop overthinking and just accept the compliments at face value. I am much lighter in spirit than I have been the past couple of years and I'm sure that shows. Plus I am tan since I had a lot of time to spend at the beach this summer.

My biggest issue right now is trying to figure out what is best for the kids. This is going to be a pretty challenging year academically for my son, and he had a hard enough time with his organization and time management just going between school and one home. H is still insisting on 50/50 residential custody but I am starting to wonder if maybe alternating full weeks rather than splitting weeks might be better for consistency.

The whole situation seems unfair to them. Why do they have to be ping pong balls between homes? How is this right for them? I really don't want my marriage back. I have zero respect for that man--there is not 1 iota of attraction left. His teeth are all turning black, his beard is unruly, the thought that I used to kiss him makes me nauseated. Even his voice last night, when he had to say his schpeal about the athletics program was grating. But, the kids deserve to have one home base where they can establish a real routine.

I'm still waiting for him to finalize an appointment with a therapist for them. Says he left a message last week. Well, call again!!

I'm in a pretty bad way today. Angry and feeling the urge to be condescending to him. Also, I have been lonely and this loneliness I think is causing a premature attachment to a man I met over the summer. We went out a few times and have fun conversations over the phone or text. I made it clear I am not looking for a relationship. But when he kind of disappeared after hinting he wanted to get together I noticed it bothered me. I think that is a warning sign that I need to distance myself and keep busy with solo activities. Hopefully once I start working again I won't feel so lonely when I don't have the kids anymore.

I did a beach hike with a meet up group and ended up having a really good time and getting drinks afterwards with one of the guys on the hike. I think that developing friendships like that might be a better focus for me. Unfortunately most of the meetups that I am interested in happen on the weekends, when I have the kids. And when I have the kids I don't need to find other things to do with my time--I have lots of things I enjoy doing with them. I guess if we change the residential custody schedule I will be able to try some of the other meetup activities.

I guess I am really just in this place of trying to figure out this new phase of my life that I never wanted. It isn't easy, but it isn't all bad. It's just hard to figure out what is the best course of action with so many things.