have i been making mistakes too long part 6

[tkdmme]

I wish I could tell her exactly what I think about her unhappiness. This wouldn't go well.

I would say:
I wasn't too happy every time I had to drag you out of bars and parties because you too drunk and making an ass of yourself.
I wasn't too happy when you took your brother and sister's advise over mine for our entire relationship.
I wasn't fun for me to make excuses for you every time my parent were worried that you drink too much.
It wasn't fun for me to go out at buy pot for you when I had to stay clean for work.

I could go on. Her life has been easy compared to what ive had to do to keep this family financially afloat.

[Sotto]

TK, please don't make assumptions about figures from the calculator. You need some L advice specific to your sitch. Please try and calm yourself down a little. Spinning like this isn't going to help. I know it is tough and your W may be making some poor choices right now, but Az is right. We don't get to choose some things that happen to us, but we get to choose how we respond. And if you can respond in a way that you are happy with, 2,3,5 years down the line, then that is the main thing I think.

So, slow yourself down, take deep breaths, stop spiraling my friend. Just now, things are tough but ultimately all will be well. Is there a calming activity you can do to settle yourself today?

[tkdmme]

Sotto,

Thanks. There is something that calms me. I'm playing piano at the tavern down the street tonight. I'm sorry, I just lost it for a second.

[tkdmme]

Not a bad night at the tavern but not many folks were out last night. I played well and the folks that were there seemed to enjoy it. When I got home the W was still up and sitting in the car port. She said "hey" I said hello and went straight to bed.

Calling those Lawyers yesterday really messed me up. I was so angry that I was having to do this. This is all fear based. I have never been in trouble in my life so I have never had to contact a lawyer for anything. All I know is what other people are telling me and what ive seen on television.

I just know in my heart that she is going to take all she can from me. Since I've been detaching she seems more angry. I have been making small talk with her since I've been DBing but that is going to stop.

I don't have anything else to say to her at this point.

Today has been ok but since BD I haven't been able to get it off my mind for very long. Im getting better at it but I have a long way to go. Im having a lot of fun with the kids these days but I miss that adult R.

My parents are coming down this weekend and the W will be out of town so it should be a great time.

On a side note, I have been feeling weird. like really edgy. its not mental. it feels like I have drank too much coffee or something. Its like a knot in my stomach all day. Like the feeling you get when you realize you have just locked your keys in the car. Weird?

[Sotto]

Glad your playing went well last night. Sounds like it's a good activity for you to do.

"I just know in my heart that she is going to take all she can from me"

It's best not to wind yourself up with thoughts like this. You start to think it is 'real' but it is only a thought. Who knows what she will do? The best approach is to calmly seek advice and understand how this process works and protect yourself just in case. But there's no need to think the worst. Just plan and have it covered.

In terms of how you are feeling, have you tried meditation or yoga? Many posters have found the Headspace app helpful and there's a free trial you could have a go at. One of the big challenges in the early days is to just wind things down a bit and settle those frayed nerves.

Hope you have a great weekend with your folks!

[tkdmme]

Thanks Sotto,

I have a tendency to think of the worst possible outcome and then take steps to avoid it. This is not healthy and it never yields the results I wanted.

Its been a been a full seven days without any real communication with the W. I know that people say on this site to make changes for yourself to get better but I really want my family back. I still hope that the changes im making will make her second guess her decision about the D. She still hasn't seen a lawyer or filed for D. What is she waiting on? She says we have no chance and that she is tired of dragging it out but still no action on her part.

This is very confusing to me. I know what she says she wants, but her not pursuing anything is weird. Why wouldn't she be taking action to get the D.

Also, I was supposed to be taking on a new project that would have me out of town at the end of October. The company moved it to the end of November and now they say it will be after the first of the year. I haven't told her this. As far as she knows I will be moving out of town in November sometime. I'm not sure if I should tell her or not. Any thoughts?

[sandi2]

Im so mad at myself for kissing her butt for the first 3 months of this sitch. Who im I kidding? I still kiss her butt from time to time.

I guess that's basically the message I try to give newcomer LBH'S, "Kissing butt does not get your WW back". However, most of the men have to learn for themselves that it doesn't work. I'm saying that you aren't the only one.

Don't be afraid of the lawyer. You aren't seeing him b/c you are in trouble. He is there to help you. If you hire him, he'll work for you.

I don't know that it would help with PMA, but if you tend to think the worst possible outcome, then think what you would do. Stop sticking your head in the sand, b/c it doesn't make the problems go away.

[tkdmme]

Ok I just got home. The kids ain't here. Should I talk to the w? Or go to bed?

[dwh15]

Ok I just got home. The kids ain't here. Should I talk to the w? Or go to bed?

Why in the world would you want to talk to her? I wouldn't act afraid or pissed, and don't even necessarily go out of your way to avoid. Just act like you're happy as a clam and go about your business.

[tkdmme]

Well we had a fight this morning. She went out last night and accused me of telling her brother which I did not. Apparently he texted her a few minutes after she left and asked if she was ok. Idk why but I had nothing to do with it.

She said again this morning that she still wants to d. She is acting like a complete jerk to me. This is sort of new. Well since I started gal and detaching anyway.

She is going out of town again this weekend and our D12 has a face painting g booth for a festival on saturday. The w I once knew would never be out of town when the kids had something like that going on. The w I knew would not be spending so much time away from the kids at all. She has been gone almost every other weekend. Sending my money even though she knows we are broke. I know what you guys are going to say. Why is she spending your money. Well TBH I would rather spend money for her to be out of town than have to deal with her all weekend.