Judy, Judy, Judy, (in my best Rock Hudson impression)
I am truly happy that you are having a much better day. I think that yes, that is a huge step and relief that your H apologised for such a terrible word. I would consider this an opportunity to take the higher road and set some boundaries. Perhaps something along the lines of " I truly appreciate your apology, your words hurt me more than you can imagine. In the future, for the sake of our family, you cannot use that tone and certainly not that language with me again. I will treat you with respect and I expect the same from you."
Just my 2 cents
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I agree with Duke. This is a great time to,set boundaries. And please listen to the advice of those who tell you to refuse to fight. No matter how ridiculous, unbelievable or unreasonable your H is, do not allow him to drag you into a fight. That is exactly where he is getting his fuel for his justification for a divorce.
Go to the link that has all of the validation statement and learn a few by heart so that when your H starts in on you, you will be able to diffuse the fight before it can happen. Once I started using the validation statements my conversations with my H became so much better. Granted, he is still not talking to me, but the few times we did were much better and calmer using validation. It takes a bit of practice to use them and feel like they are not rehearsed. But there are many to choose from, so you should be able to find a few that work.
So happy that he apologized to you. He is still in there! But it took time for you to get here, it's going to take time to move through this. Patience, patience, patience and lots of GALing and spending time with your kids.
Thank you for the fantastic advice! Heading over to validating now. I'm not sure how to approach him about boundaries....he's gone until tomorrow. Do I just approach him and start requesting he treat me with respect? I know we were both really hurt by the fight, and I'm reluctant to bring it up again.
Sometimes I look at him and see the struggle going on within. He knows the difference between right and wrong, but he thinks OW is going to make him truly happy. My children are so upset with him, and are questioning him. I'm staying out of that, but I'm sure they're adding to his confusion.
Patience, calmness, and strength. I really believe I'm learning so much. You guys are wonderful!
Judy, hang in there, I try to think of a setback as a learning opportunity. I just had a huge blowout fight with my sweetie pie and I learned that
1- I am still taking the bait, and need to work on that, I am setting up a challenge for myself- I seem to be able to go for a good 3 weeks before slipping up, this time I am going to last 5 weeks. (or longer.)
2- I am also capable of being ok the day after a fight and detached enough that the "fight" or slip up doesn't set me back and doesn't control my emotions for the next day or week like it used to.
Wherever you are in your journey with this, there is something to be learned about yourself with every setback, so use it to improve your emotional state and DB strategy. Its an opportunity to evaluate yourself. Don't use it to evaluate H though, although it is good that he apologized, but he's too unpredictable and you need to focus on yourself. So what can you learn from this fight? You can work on your validation skills and on STFU. You also learned that you can make a DB mistake, and be fine the next day because there is more going on in your life than DB or your H. Good detachment. You are getting stronger each day.
Judy, Judy, Judy, (in my best Rock Hudson impression)
I am truly happy that you are having a much better day. I think that yes, that is a huge step and relief that your H apologised for such a terrible word. I would consider this an opportunity to take the higher road and set some boundaries. Perhaps something along the lines of " I truly appreciate your apology, your words hurt me more than you can imagine. In the future, for the sake of our family, you cannot use that tone and certainly not that language with me again. I will treat you with respect and I expect the same from you."
Just my 2 cents
Judy, I think the time to have a line like this is after he does something unacceptable like calls you a horrible name.
Now he has acknowledged that and apologized, this seems like bad timing on when to slap the boundary line.
If you had I'm guessing he would've rolled his eyes and thought to himself "I shouldn't have said it but I guess it's true..." Instead you SHOWED how much it impacted you, and were graceful in accepting his apology. Nuff said.
Now, if this happens again then address it at the time it happened, or certainly prior to any positive behavior.
I know he's a WAH, but H's want to know they can win the game. The game is being good enough for their W's. Often when they walk it's because of perpetual criticism either directly (nagging, scorn, disdain) or indirectly (withholding sex, disrespectful behavior). So I'd be hesitant to come across as critically or judgmentally. You don't have to do that to set a boundary. In fact, you don't need to use words at all. You can just walk away, and if he follows and demands to know why you're leaving you can say "I'm ready to discuss this when you can address me respectfully" and leave it at that. That is a boundary, not an attack. Big difference. I think you handled it fine, but this would be fine too.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I love the advice. Just days ago, I was frantic. You guys have helped me regain my focus, sanity, and self-respect. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate you all so much!
Judy, you seem to be more emotionally stable. I am glad you are better able to manage this moment in your life. My feeling is your turn around will give your husband pause and with that you a possible different outcome. Great work,
If I may interrupt, every time I need to set boundaries I read this 2009 post: Boundaries, by Coach
Me43 W39 M 12y,T 15y S09,S07 Bomb Jun14 Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15 Share bed Mar/May15 Reconcile Jun15 Aug15 W sais D will happen D told to kids Sept15 W moved out with kids 01 October15
I love the advice. Just days ago, I was frantic. You guys have helped me regain my focus, sanity, and self-respect. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate you all so much!
Good. The first step here is always to stabilize, to stop making things WORSE. To stop sinking in the quicksand. It sounds like youre getting to that point.