Today I had the day off. And, again, I didn't tell H or the kids. Wanted to use it for myself. Probably a little too much alone time contributed to my earlier posts. Anyway...
When I was up puttering around in my underwear in the wee hours of the morning, H got out of bed. I scrambled to quickly grab some clothes. Ended up grabbing a top that can be sheer depending on the light. I realized it, but then thought, who gives a crap. I'm not even a thought in his mind anyway, he clearly said "I don't want you" and it's nothing he hasn't seen before. Said our goodbyes, including the hug H initiated and off he went to work.
I put on a more appropriate top as if I was going to work, forgot about it and left the apartment as I would any other day. Only today, before I was awash in feelings of desperation, I met a friend for coffee. Someone I haven't seen in maybe 4 or 5 years and may not see again for years.
It was nice. Ending up talking about my sitch, which I hadn't wanted to do, but it was good to do some face-to-face talking with someone who "repaired" a marriage. Theirs was the reverse - W involved with OM - and they've come thru it. Some obvious differences in our stories, but it was good to know another person out there who could understand a lot of my feelings.
Afterwards, back in the apartment alone, cue emotional overload/meltdown.
But then I stopped crying and followed thru with my plans - made the marinade, planned dinner, went to the beach and D14's gymnastics meet. Was doing better than this morning. And spoke to H on the phone when he called - no problem. Friendly. Acting as if I'm totally fine.
When I got back home, H and my S12 were out. H called to see where I was, said they were sorry they weren't home before me because they had something for me.
I told him that was nice, I would see them soon, I was going to the beach. I went back to the beach and they end up coming there to see me. H really wanted to get home, S12 wanted to stay, so I told H to take my keys and drive home. We were staying.
Well, I forgot my friend left a coffee cup in the car. Wasn't even on my radar. H comes to pick me up so I can go get my D14 from the school and he looks at me, kind of smirking, and asks "Did you go to work today?"
Dumbfounded, I repeat the question back to him and then ask why. H proceeds to say how he noticed I went food shopping today, was able to make it to D14 gymnastics meet on time, and how he thought it was odd this morning I was wearing a sheer top that you could see my bra thru. Then he immediately says "I don't care. I just put everything together and thought, huh."
Of course I said he was right, I didn't go to work. But I didn't say where I went or that I had changed my clothes. And then I remembered the coffee cup he probably saw when he took my car. So unintentional, but I hope I seemed a little mysterious and he wondered for a while about what I did. Just for a little while.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
H asks me as he's leaving for work this morning "Are you going to work today?"
Man, how I wish I wasn't. Even though I've been so emotional when alone, I cannot express in words how much I need the time away.
Wish I could just jet off like H to a new lover, a job I love with TONS of downtime and a life of little responsibilities. How I long for that time when I'm not so burdened with so many responsibilities.
I'm calling out on Friday. I think I should be able to make it until then. Besides, it's back to night shift on Sat.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
[/quote] See if you can focus on you during IC. What are your goals for the next few months while H is gone? How can you build Lost08 into Lost09, the woman he would be a fool to leave?
Well, that didn't quite work out tonight. I made an effort to talk about my personal flaws in IC session and needing to work on becoming a better person. IC informed me it was too soon to do this - that I need to be careful not to take on 100% of the blame for M breakdown, that I'm still too traumatized....
Ended up talking about some of the things that occurred this week with H, including his startling outburst of rage late last night in reaction to D14's attitude. Similar to his rage at the mall a week or two back with S12. It's scary in the moment and he catches himself before physically lashing out at the kids, sometimes throws things (like his glasses last night.)
I see both his frustration and the effect on my children. It's as if they're constantly in a pattern of getting to know each other all over again with each and every trip he takes and H has so little tolerance. Usually I'm the one trying to build bridges between them. Last night, I stayed out of it. Listened to H when he talked about how certain behavior from the kids triggers his anger. Said things like "I know. I can see it" "I'm sorry you feel so stressed."
Forgot to thank him for catching himself and apologizing.
I don't know what goals to have in the upcoming months. I suppose "to survive" doesn't really cut it?
Feeling down (BIG surprise!) but also physically sick today. My pain was worse, especially this afternoon, and the nausea constant. I guess I'll have to take another day off next week to schedule the medical tests I've been avoiding. Just another thing to go thru by myself.
I truly can't imagine myself as a woman only a fool would leave.
This whole thing has made me feel like a fool. A fool to have thought my M was special, was strong, was solid. A fool to have trusted so blindly. Just a fool.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Lost, I just made a new goal today for myself....Once a day, smile as brightly as I can at myself in the mirror. I've been so stressed, smiling is beginning to feel odd!
See if you can focus on you during IC. What are your goals for the next few months while H is gone? How can you build Lost08 into Lost09, the woman he would be a fool to leave?
Well, that didn't quite work out tonight. I made an effort to talk about my personal flaws in IC session and needing to work on becoming a better person. IC informed me it was too soon to do this - that I need to be careful not to take on 100% of the blame for M breakdown, that I'm still too traumatized.... Theres a difference between talking about your flaws and taking 100% blame for the fall of the marriage. In my opinion, it is NEVER too soon to look in the mirror and try to better oneself. I dont see how rehashing old problems or focusing on H's problems will help you develop anything but anger and resentment. But, Im certainly not a counselor.
Ended up talking about some of the things that occurred this week with H, including his startling outburst of rage late last night in reaction to D14's attitude. Similar to his rage at the mall a week or two back with S12. It's scary in the moment and he catches himself before physically lashing out at the kids, sometimes throws things (like his glasses last night.)
I see both his frustration and the effect on my children. It's as if they're constantly in a pattern of getting to know each other all over again with each and every trip he takes and H has so little tolerance. Usually I'm the one trying to build bridges between them. Last night, I stayed out of it. Listened to H when he talked about how certain behavior from the kids triggers his anger. Said things like "I know. I can see it" "I'm sorry you feel so stressed."
Forgot to thank him for catching himself and apologizing. Its hard to see people that you care about struggle. He's hurting. Your kids are hurting. And you think that somehow you can FIX all of that pain, right? Unfortunately, thats not your job, and you dont have those capabilities. It sounds like you did well.
I don't know what goals to have in the upcoming months. I suppose "to survive" doesn't really cut it? I mean. Sure, that can be a goal. But you can do better than that. They dont have to be LIFE CHANGING. You can see mine - take clothes out of the dryer, clean off the kitchen counters....not huge. not too difficult. But it takes discipline. And then the next month, you can build on them. So start small. Read a book a month, clear off the kitchen counters each night, dont leave clothes on your floor, get out with friends one time...
Feeling down (BIG surprise!) but also physically sick today. My pain was worse, especially this afternoon, and the nausea constant. I guess I'll have to take another day off next week to schedule the medical tests I've been avoiding. Just another thing to go thru by myself. Blech. Sorry to hear that.
I truly can't imagine myself as a woman only a fool would leave.
This whole thing has made me feel like a fool. A fool to have thought my M was special, was strong, was solid. A fool to have trusted so blindly. Just a fool. Every journey starts with a single step. You dont have to see it now. You dont even have to have the blueprints now. Just start walking. Step over step, step over step. Eventually, you will look back and be amazed at how far you have come.
And yes, I fight those feelings every day. How could I be so naive, so blind, so foolish? But as Ive said, its like hiring a carpenter to build a house and giving him no nails. Is it his fault that the house fell apart if he didnt have the tools he needed to build it?I think of my M the same way...I didnt know how to be married, and it collapsed - Im not going to go back and blame myself for that. Now I know what I need, and I can do that in the future.
Lost, I just made a new goal today for myself....Once a day, smile as brightly as I can at myself in the mirror. I've been so stressed, smiling is beginning to feel odd!
Hang in there.
TY Judy!
As I was tearing up while driving today, I took your idea and forced a smile. Was it unnatural and probably a little scary to anyone who saw it? Yup. But, for just a little while, I didn't cry.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Theres a difference between talking about your flaws and taking 100% blame for the fall of the marriage. In my opinion, it is NEVER too soon to look in the mirror and try to better oneself. I dont see how rehashing old problems or focusing on H's problems will help you develop anything but anger and resentment. But, Im certainly not a counselor.
Ah, my wise friend, but you are a wonderful counselor of sorts!
I haven't decided if I should find a new IC yet. I didn't think I was taking 100% of the blame, so I'm not sure if it seemed I was and I wasn't aware of it or if she just wasn't getting it b/c I was taking the focus off of H and trying to focus on me, acknowledge my behaviors in an attempt to begin to address them.
Sometimes, my IC does say such insightful things that hit home. IDK. Another decision. Not ready for another decision.
Tonight was very bittersweet. Back to school night for my S12. New school, new town. First impression - I'm stoked about his teachers! Loved their approach. I'm truly happy S12 is here. I think it will be good for him.
But, alas, I went with H. We chatted easily, smiled, enjoyed the night. This was something we should have been celebrating. All I wanted to do was hold his hand in the hallways, place my head on his shoulder, put our arms around each other. And of course that wasn't going to happen. And it seemed as if I was surrounded by all these happily married couples doing just that. Tiny spears twisting in my heart. Then, as we were walking out, our arms were both swinging freely next to each other. Hands almost touching.
It was so unnatural, so odd for me not to hold his hand. H kept repeatedly moving his hand upwards, across his body, in a restless manner as if he didn't know what to do with it, but didn't want it accidentally rubbing against mine. He finally grabbed his glasses and held tight to them in that hand and I slipped up - the thought in my head of "Don't worry, I'm not going to grab your hand" actually came out of my mouth. Oh sweet Lord. Where was my dose of STFU?
H was very annoyed. Clamped his mouth shut. No comment. Uncomfortable moment.
As we continued walking, he starting talking about how he can't wrap his head around the fact he's already leaving again. He said he doesn't feel ready. There are so many little things he wanted to do that are left undone...naming things with the kids, small errands, etc. He said he hates time. He had plans in his head and now he feels they won't all get done.
I agreed with how quickly his time here has gone by. Reassured him his errands will all get done.
Said I understood and how it will certainly be an adjustment to not have him around anymore. Told him it always seems just when we get used to having him with us, off he has to go again.
(Hmm. As I read that last part, I think, oops. That wasn't focusing on his feelings or validating him.)
I encouraged him to take D14 out for ice cream or a walk to the beach so they could have some alone time before he leaves. H has been able to spend quite a bit of time with S12 lately, uninterrupted.
He agreed, said he would love to, jumped at the chance. Unfortunately, D14 is swamped with mandatory assignments due in the morning, so her time with H will be quite short. They're out together now.
It makes me feel so sad how little time they have together. Sad for my D and my S who love their father so very much and wish to spend time with him, who don't understand why he has to go away, who don't know their father may be leaving our family for another woman, who just want his love and attention.
And sad for H. Sad he will miss so many things, esp. over the next few months. High school back to school night. D14's first (actually all of her) gymnastics competitions, all of S12's new baseball team games, S12's cross country meets, D14's homecoming dance and all the other little firsts of being in a new place, meeting new people and on and on.
I'm struggling with how to say goodbye to H. He leaves at 4:30am on Sat. Tomorrow will be our last evening together. Then who knows?
What do I say that won't push him further away?
That won't add any guilt? That will show I am standing for our M and love him, without saying that out loud? But that won't suggest I'm just going to sit here, a good little plan B, and wait in limbo for him to make up his mind?
I want to kiss him goodbye, lightly on the lips, as a last goodbye from me. But I don't want to risk the rejection of him pulling away.
What do I do?
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
Woo hoo! This has been working for me today. My cheeks felt so stiff, it was awful, so I tried it again, then again...finally I cracked myself up and laughed like an idiot. It felt really good, and next thing you know...the next smile was real.
Lost, this is a tough one - and you know I'm new here, too. But I have learned a few things I'm happy to share - maybe something will help.
Find your center. Approach your H from a place of calmness and strength. It would be so hard for me not to cry...I probably would, but I would still focus on saying the right things. There is nothing wrong with saying, "Please be safe. We will miss you. Can you let us know when you arrive safely?"
"Us" might take some of the attention off you, coming from more of a family viewpoint. You need to act As-if: You've got this. You're a strong woman and can handle what comes your way. You are friendly towards him, but not desperately clingy. You will be just fine with or without him.
You can do this, Lost. Be calm, strong, and centered. If a tear falls, it falls. Goodbyes are hard when it's going to be awhile. Take strength in the fact that most affairs burn out in less than a year...sooner if they spend lots of time together. Distance can lengthen the affair. You have no control over any of this, so turn it over to God and take care of YOU!
I'll check in on you this weekend. I truly empathize with you. I have faith you will be able to do what you need to.
