Flailing

[Lost08]

Theres a difference between talking about your flaws and taking 100% blame for the fall of the marriage. In my opinion, it is NEVER too soon to look in the mirror and try to better oneself. I dont see how rehashing old problems or focusing on H's problems will help you develop anything but anger and resentment. But, Im certainly not a counselor.

Ah, my wise friend, but you are a wonderful counselor of sorts!

I haven't decided if I should find a new IC yet. I didn't think I was taking 100% of the blame, so I'm not sure if it seemed I was and I wasn't aware of it or if she just wasn't getting it b/c I was taking the focus off of H and trying to focus on me, acknowledge my behaviors in an attempt to begin to address them.

Sometimes, my IC does say such insightful things that hit home. IDK. Another decision. Not ready for another decision.

Tonight was very bittersweet. Back to school night for my S12. New school, new town. First impression - I'm stoked about his teachers! Loved their approach. I'm truly happy S12 is here. I think it will be good for him.

But, alas, I went with H. We chatted easily, smiled, enjoyed the night. This was something we should have been celebrating. All I wanted to do was hold his hand in the hallways, place my head on his shoulder, put our arms around each other. And of course that wasn't going to happen. And it seemed as if I was surrounded by all these happily married couples doing just that. Tiny spears twisting in my heart. Then, as we were walking out, our arms were both swinging freely next to each other. Hands almost touching.

It was so unnatural, so odd for me not to hold his hand. H kept repeatedly moving his hand upwards, across his body, in a restless manner as if he didn't know what to do with it, but didn't want it accidentally rubbing against mine. He finally grabbed his glasses and held tight to them in that hand and I slipped up - the thought in my head of "Don't worry, I'm not going to grab your hand" actually came out of my mouth. Oh sweet Lord. Where was my dose of STFU?

H was very annoyed. Clamped his mouth shut. No comment. Uncomfortable moment.

As we continued walking, he starting talking about how he can't wrap his head around the fact he's already leaving again. He said he doesn't feel ready. There are so many little things he wanted to do that are left undone...naming things with the kids, small errands, etc. He said he hates time. He had plans in his head and now he feels they won't all get done.

I agreed with how quickly his time here has gone by. Reassured him his errands will all get done.

Said I understood and how it will certainly be an adjustment to not have him around anymore. Told him it always seems just when we get used to having him with us, off he has to go again.

(Hmm. As I read that last part, I think, oops. That wasn't focusing on his feelings or validating him.)

I encouraged him to take D14 out for ice cream or a walk to the beach so they could have some alone time before he leaves. H has been able to spend quite a bit of time with S12 lately, uninterrupted.

He agreed, said he would love to, jumped at the chance. Unfortunately, D14 is swamped with mandatory assignments due in the morning, so her time with H will be quite short. They're out together now.

It makes me feel so sad how little time they have together. Sad for my D and my S who love their father so very much and wish to spend time with him, who don't understand why he has to go away, who don't know their father may be leaving our family for another woman, who just want his love and attention.

And sad for H. Sad he will miss so many things, esp. over the next few months. High school back to school night. D14's first (actually all of her) gymnastics competitions, all of S12's new baseball team games, S12's cross country meets, D14's homecoming dance and all the other little firsts of being in a new place, meeting new people and on and on.

I'm struggling with how to say goodbye to H. He leaves at 4:30am on Sat. Tomorrow will be our last evening together. Then who knows?

What do I say that won't push him further away?

That won't add any guilt? That will show I am standing for our M and love him, without saying that out loud? But that won't suggest I'm just going to sit here, a good little plan B, and wait in limbo for him to make up his mind?

I want to kiss him goodbye, lightly on the lips, as a last goodbye from me. But I don't want to risk the rejection of him pulling away.

What do I do?