Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[Flight]

First, I have to say that of all the boards I have ever participated in, the level of conversation and consideration of each others' feelings is pretty amazing. Perhaps all the work done one ourselves and putting it to practice with our spouses makes people less reactive and defensive. Thanks for such a great resource and all your help.

Maybe I am making things more difficult for myself by trying to follow a "save the marriage" PhD who has an ebook and course and this board and Michele's DR and DB books. I think the former is more about you have to rebuild a connection (though he is very clear about don't beg, don't plead, don't chase) and, at least with the 180 and LRT, it is more about detachment and GAL.

I hope I am starting to follow you because I did not mean to rationalize what I am doing, but rather explain what I thought was working and have you help me see what I was missing. It is great to be able to re-read what I wrote and try to get what you are saying.

I think it is pretty clear when Starsky asked a laser focused question, "has she had any fear she is losing you?". That is a good filter to look at things through. And the quick answer is only twice probably and I backpedaled. The big one when I got furious, but in a controlled way and set a boundary and then took over the MBR and would not talk to her when she wanted to. She got a key and opened my door to force herself into the room to talk. Another time I was speaking about the relationship in the past tense in text. In both those times, she wanted to defend herself and seek me out to talk and we did have a "good" conversation each time. We resolved an issue or two that we couldn't seem to when we were "a couple" and she gave me a lot more information about her feelings so I felt I finally understood how she felt about the things that got us here. It also gave me practice to validate her feelings which she didn't feel I did much of the time before.

The "overall" answer is that no, she has not felt like she has lost me and I am "moving on". How do you do that while still living under the same roof and parenting a child together? We have to have a certain amount of interaction about running the household and about our daughter. We don't do things together in the house, though sometimes she wants to talk or we have a family dinner. I know I don't have to be mean, I can still be civil, smile and be pleasant, but be more like the first shift worker who hands the keys to the equipment to the second shift replacement when they come home? I keep thinking about this bit of wisdom about GAL and giving her space:

That is doing more than any of the superficial courtship actions will do right now, as you are respecting her decision and request, taking her needs seriously, and handling it with dignity and courage.

What would a week in my home look like? I am the primary caregiver because I have a flexible schedule, so I take my D to school, pick her up, and handle most of the other to and fro's. I have IC and another meeting on a different evening. I have started to do more with friends and doing the projects around the house and for hobbies that I have neglected. I guess I could disappear some weekends. What did you do or not do?