Hi Judy, I know how a fight like that can throw your emotions onto a tailspin that feels impossible to recover from any time soon. Try not to replay it over and over again in your mind. Watch a movie, read a book or try and distract yourself for a bit until you can look at it from a more calm place.
When you are ready, you can use this and learn from it. It feels good in the heat of the moment to finally say what is on your mind, but the price on your sanity after the fight is not worth it. I repeat a manta when I get within 50 feet of my H. "I do not want to fight with you". I repeat it so much that as soon as the conversation moves in the slightest direction of a fight those are the only words that come out of my mouth. It seems to work, because when I say those words he either shuts up or changes the subject himself.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
We have never, ever fought like this. I think guilt on his part was making him angry. I also believe that he's frustrated because I'm not doing what he wants. I have no idea what fantasy was rolling through his head, but I am obviously not doing what he expected me to.
Listened to a great webinar tonight about marital affairs. The advise was much the same as yours...No confronting, be calm and strong.
You sound a lot more calm. In a way its better that you get things dealt with faster but the key is to get a good lawyer that you trust and to have a good support group of friends and family to talk with. Get out and get some exercise as well does wonders. I think after you meet with the L you will feel much better. My sitch has been dragging on for months. I have been foolishly thinking that W would have a change of heart. The entire time she has been walking all over me. It hasn't been until recently that I fight back. Its all going to come to a boil soon and I wish I had dealt with it all when the B first D'd. Best of luck to you Judy. Keep Calm and DB On!
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Thanks, Duke. I read your situation last night, and know you're going through a really hard time, too. It just hurt so much when the person we trusted our heart to betrays that trust. My husband was once the sweetest, kindest man on earth. I keep wondering where he went. The monster I fought with earlier is not the man I married...
Thanks so much for your kind words and support. I'm pretty isolated here, which is making it really tough.
Thanks for the tip, Mona! I'm not sure at this moment if I want to save this M or not, but I know I'd like to save my dignity. Going to start practicing, "I do not want to fight with you."
Saving your marriage and protecting yourself are not mutually exclusive, right now he gets fuel for his fire from fighting. Take away the oxygen, walk away from these fights, go to another room. Detach and stop contact.
Your marriage might be saved but it won't be right now, it doesn't work that way.
You need to protect yourself right now that is the most important thing.
I agree w/Cadet...stop taking his bait! He's pushing your buttons and you need to step away from him when he does this. The fighting is his justification for wanting a divorce.
If he asks about the lawyer again, tell him that you are going to get one and he'll be informed when you do so and then shut the conversation down. Do not talk to him about his ow because he will deny that she exists until the cows come home. The most important thing right now is to protect yourself and your finances. Schedule an appointment w/a lawyer today and find out what your options are in the way of protecting your assets. Knowledge is power.
Once you know what your options are, DO NOT share this info w/your h. Currently, he is not your friend and he will promise you the moon, but when it comes down to signing documents, he will back track and leave you w/very little. Do not believe anything that he says for now.
Make that appointment today!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We have never, ever fought like this. I think guilt on his part was making him angry. I also believe that he's frustrated because I'm not doing what he wants. I have no idea what fantasy was rolling through his head, but I am obviously not doing what he expected me to.
\ I wouldnt try to explain it - there are so many possible reasons for it. I think if you try to figure it out, you may come to the wrong conclusions. Just accept it for what it is and work on your reactions to it.
I am listening to all of you. No more engaging, no more bringing up OW, and 2nd appointment with lawyer is Monday to officially hire her to represent me.
Had a great walk this morning! I've been increasing my distance, but had to stop and take breaks. Today went full new distance without stopping. Feeling good!
After spending most of yesterday wishing I could just die and end this pain, today was a better day.
My daughter, 27, came over today to spend some time with me and the boys. We sat in the living room talking, laughing, and just happy being together. My husband popped via head out of his office a few times, and I could SEE the strain on his face.
After my daughter left this afternoon, I went to my room to relax a bit. Someone knocked on my door, and thinking it was one of the boys I said, "Come in."
To my utter shock, my husband poked his head in and said, "I called you a name yesterday, a very foul name. I want you to know I am very, very sorry."
I choked up right away and just nodded my head. He left, and I sent him a text simply saying, "Thank you. That really means a lot."
I truly believe this is a positive step. I know not to read too much into it, but an apology is pretty big, right?
