Painter I am doubting he will get a reality check. Mom always digs him out and he has already let OW come over so he stll does not have reality yet. I hope it hits him like a ton of bricks though. I hope even if it doesn't save our R it makes him grow up for the kids sake. Like I told him you never know with us we could never talk again or end up married or anywhere in between. Only time will tell. I do feel relieved to not have to hate going home. To be able to focus on me and not be angry all the time. Not to have to worry about all the things I was worrying about. I can just go do me for a while and spend more time with d8. Again of course my goal is reconsilitation but only if it is healthy and committed.
ha Sunny I actually smiled huge when I read yours. It is exactly how I felt. I felt happy I left and finally set the boundary I would not put up with any more. I felt sad leaving the kids and my family. Mad at myself for my behavior and sad it happened the way it did. A part of me was also glad I got that angry because it was what gave me the strength to leave. I am glad it will give me a chance to rebuild a relationship with my father and grandmother. I am very scared to rebuild a relationship with my father and have no idea what to believe or not believe. He tells D8 he will do all these things with her but I am scared to believe its true because he never did those things with us. It gave me a very weird uncomfortable feeling when he gave me a one armed hug. He never hugged us never said I love you ect so it was weird.
You are right he split them up. He chose to have the A and not end it. I chose to better myself and continue working. Sure I had slip ups but I did not go outside of our R and I did work on me definatly not enough and not hard enough or for the right reasons but I still made a few small changes.
I am sure in time he will start sweet talking as of right now he will only talk to me if it is for himself or like when I was at the house. I am not sure if he was finding reasons to keep me there or if he was just remembering things as he walked through the house. Either way it is what it is. I will definatly have to watch for different behaviors. I said hope you are having a great day and never got a response. I assume he is running on anger and adrenaline as he now has all of these things he needs to figure out.
IF he decides to come back and want to work on things. i will be expecting him to prove he can be in a committed healthy relationship. I will not allow him to use me to cheat on her anymore. He needs to end that R and start this one on fresh terms. He will have to regain my trust. I am putting down the law that we will not move in together for at least a year. i am not continuing this cycle. He will have to attend IC and apologize. I know I also have a lot of work to do. A long road to recovery ahead of me. I am not willing to jump into anything.
It scares me he may not come back but I guess that was a chance I took leaving. Just like the book says if it isn't working do something else. Well staying was not working so I did something else. Now we well just have to wait and see what the results of this are!
thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I know I did what was needed and best. Hopefully this is another step in the direction of repairing this R. For now I will continue focusing on me and doing what I need to do.
Well attempted to attend Al-Anon tonight. Could not find any contact information called the church they did not have any so went around the meeting time no one was there found contact information called the leader and she was out of town. O well I guess I will shoot for next week! At least I can say I attempted!
4, I think I speak for the entire DB forums when I say we're all just so glad you got the heck out of that situation. Doesn't mean burn any bridges or rebound or anything. But just not to be in that environment has to be a relief.
I know you still are clinging to hope this will wake up H, even if you don't think it's likely. I don't know that will help you, but I do think that's normal for being where you are. Accepting reality is really tough, because they are still right there.
I compared it to a loved one becoming a missing person rather than having a fatal crash. In the crash it is very final. In the case of a missing person the hope gradually fades for weeks, months, years...does it ever truly go away?
I know what's in front of you has to be overwhelming. Have faith it will work out. You won't starve, you won't melt, you'll be ok. In fact, soon you'll be a whole new person. I can't believe you have come this far in 75 days...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zeus I am glad I got out of the environment also. I need to step away and do some real soul searching. I do hope it wakes him up but also agree with you very unlikely. But who knows right? I will be a new person and a healthy one at that.
There are some things that are confusing me about the situation and I know it focuses on him but understanding behavior (mine and his) is important to me. I enjoy learning about behavior so I hope I can get some input here.
Sunday when I left he told me he hated me would never support me will never come back doesnt want to be my friend ect. Two hours later calls to ask when his kids activities are. Monday D8 calls him talks to him he asks to talk to me to see if D8 was going to grandmas. Tuesday it was did I transfer money, send his thank-yous, and pay property taxes, Wednessday he did not talk to me but OW was at the house so of course he ignored me. Thursday it was me trying to talk to him and him just answering in short answers. I asked him to watch D8 so I could go to the meeting got back early she was still eating I asked her to finish up so we could get going. He told me to calm down and sit down do not rush her. I said I am not I am hungry and just want to get home to make myself dinner. He told me to go get some food sit down and eat. Ok so I did. Then she had to make something. He kind of goofed off with me a little bit but didn't say much. By goof off I meant poking fun with me. then it was order me a school picture of D8. Today I informed him I was picking up d7 and her mom knew. he asked why. I said I wanted to take her out for my birthday. He said ok make sure you are there early she is supposed to ride the bus please. Happy birthday have fun with the girls. I told him i let the school know and daycare. He said ok sounds good have fun!Then a few hours later I get a text asking what size clothes all three girls wear. Is he just trying to keep contact with me or am I over thinking it and these are things anyone would normally do? I mean scheduling things he could check the calendar I keep it updated and left him instructions to use it. D8 going to his moms he could have asked her..clothing sizes um look in the closet and go a size bigger? I guess I am not sure what to think. Is this normal? Guilty feelings? maybe re thinking his choices?
No worries even if he were to ask me to come back today the answer would be no. I have a lot of work I want to do first. And yes I could tell him that. We need to be able to be friends first! Again I just like to understand behavior! I took the hard step and left I may as well use the time to work on me and if it works out it does if not I now know I will be OK!
Back to me! For my birthday my mom sent me a dozen roses, and my D8's dad took me D8 and D7 out to eat. They both went with their parents so now I can enjoy a relaxing night to myself and Tomorrow I may go to the races! Racing season is winding down here to better get as much in as I can. It will also be the first time in a very very long time I have done anything by myself. Usually I take a kid of H or friend. But I have decided i am not even going to mention to H I am going and I am just going to go on my own watch and enjoy!
4, no need to pretend you don't have these thoughts and feelings, and there is no better place to get them out than this board- but his actions mean absolutely nothing.
Does he have feelings for you? Does he miss having you around? Is he scared of losing you forever? Probably. But the fact that most newbies don't understand is him having feelings and him recommitting to you are two ENTIRELY separate things.
Suppose you had a conflict- two events scheduled for the same night. Maybe a girls night out, and a work party. Maybe you want to attend the work party. Would you miss being with your girlfriends? Would you be sad that you aren't hanging with them? Maybe. Would you check in? Maybe. Does this mean you're not going to your work party? Not at all. See- feelings and actions are DIFFERENT. It doesn't matter that he has feelings. What matters is his behavior. Besides, feelings can be misunderstood. Behavior is clear cut.
His behavior is that he is with another woman emotionally and physically. His behavior shows that when you leave he runs to her, not to you. Trying to find confliction expressed on his face as he treats you like dirt is beneath you. His behavior says enough. I know, believe only half of what they do...until the other half keeps you attached.
I can't be disappointed with you, though, because those are just your feelings, and your BEHAVIOR is that you walked the heck away and are getting the help you need for a better life.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
HI Zeus...His actions do mean nothing I was more wondering if it was typical actions all WAS do? Nothing he does should make me think any different of him and his ways. Of course his actions to give me different feelings because I am still attached. Yes I know he is not recommitting. No way would he. Knowing his cycles he will have to get tired of her or she will get tired of him and then he will decide to recommit but then it can be my choice! It helps looking at his patterns/cycles. I typically know what his next "move" is. Or at least I think I do which I think will help me be more prepared. Of course he will run to her. He just had to tell the mothers of his children I left, his children I left, his friends and soon his family. He will want to make the best of it and do all he can to show everyone he did the right thing. I find that just gives me more time to work on me! He is only helping me right now!
Yes his feelings may be construed differently. I may feel they are one thing he may feel he is just being pleasant. I will never know and nor will he likely ever share his feelings. His behavior certainly shows something totally different than what he is likely feeling. Hopefully he is having an O $hit moment! and figuring out he may have messed up!
Yes I did walk away and I am getting help to have a better life with or without him That is a choice he will have to make and based on his actions I can CHOOSE to make.
I was sure leaving was going to be terrible I would never be ok but in just these very few days I feel very much less stressed.
Only other thing I need help figuring out for today anyways is do I go dark? Do I try to stay on a friends basis? How do I do holidays like if he asks D8 and I to go to pumpkin patch? Should I ask him and other two kids to attend with us? Do I only answer texts when he texts first? I do not want to throw away the chances of R or friendship but I also need to chose to do what is best for me. Please keep in mind when answering this I will be attending family events with his family as they are my family so I do not need extra wedges!
Only other thing I need help figuring out for today anyways is do I go dark? Do I try to stay on a friends basis? How do I do holidays like if he asks D8 and I to go to pumpkin patch? Should I ask him and other two kids to attend with us? Do I only answer texts when he texts first? I do not want to throw away the chances of R or friendship but I also need to chose to do what is best for me. Please keep in mind when answering this I will be attending family events with his family as they are my family so I do not need extra wedges!
The compass I have used is asking "If I knew 100% for SURE there way no chance ever that we'd ever be a couple again, what type of relationship would I want".
Not saying that's fool proof, but it was what I used.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I am so relieved that you are safe and well. Time to heal.
You cannot be dark with kids. Dark is the V strategy, it means anpbsolutely no contact at all for months if not years. I have not communicated with my stbxWH since May 2, in person, by email or text. I booted him, I don't want to know about him at all.
So you my darling are LRT technique, getting on with your life, moving on as best you can.
I really like Zues response it's very practical.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
