ILYNILWY and it's done? Gift of 1 month

[Butterc]

I went to a wonderful yoga meditation. I was very spiritual before H. I had some good moments of peace.
H's response was "that's interesting"
Then, insomnia kicked and I caught D15 stomach flu.

H asked if he could help a couple of times.

I had an IC session and he wanted to know as soon as I got home how it went. Because this is D15's IC, I was able to 180 and not discuss it.

[Butterc]

Today is not a good day. That said, it can get better.

I am really hating this rollercoaster from hell. I want to get off, I want to wake up from this nightmare.

Just driving in the car this morning, one of our favorite bands comes on and I get all nostalgic.

I'm trying to take one day at a time, even 1 hour at a time.

I've read DR and half of DB. I've put energy into GAL. I've detached. I've set boundaries. I exercise the patience treadmill daily.

All well and good. Then I have a moment to take a deep breath and fall into that bottomless pit that used to be my heart.

So grateful for my friends and their prayers. Grateful for the kindred spirits on these boards. Grateful for my therapists and coaches.

Just needed to vent, today.

[Lost08]

(((Butterc))) I'm sorry today is a rough day. But I like you're attitude- it CAN get better!

Look at what you've already done. Reading DR. Halfway thru DB. Practicing 180. Setting boundaries. You are doing it. Keep moving one foot in front of the other. No timeline!

It's still so early, these down moments are just going to happen for a while.

As I think you saw in some of my posts, I struggle with that bottomless pit.

The support from the wonderful people in this forum, your friends, prayers, meditation - they will all boost you up until you can take over again and move on to the next part of your journey.

Keep posting!

[Butterc]

Thanks, Lost, your posts really help me.

I've read about detachment. My issue today is feeling guilty about putting myself first; I have detached, I usually would do the pursuing and I've stopped that. Yes, it wasn't working.

I guess I just answered my own question: yes, I'm feeling guilty. Feel it, and move on.

Difficult morning; Got prescribed from doctor a sleep aid and did it hit me! Luckily I am being gentle with my schedule. Especially good I had minimal plans today.

One good thing about detaching: I am living my truth and being kinder to me. That can only help, right?

[Lost08]

One good thing about detaching: I am living my truth and being kinder to me. That can only help, right?

Yes! Keep it up. You deserve kindness.

[Ancaire]

Hi Buttercup. I'm going through a very similar situation...but I didn't even get a month. H filed 2 weeks later. He's been an absolute horror...I finally had to draw strict private space boundaries just to keep my sanity. This board, and the people here, have been fantastic. I had a rotten day today....fight with H, where all my good DB advice went flying out the window...lol

My advice from the land of nightmares? Be calm, be strong. Do something nice for yourself, because you deserve it.

[Butterc]

Thanks Judy and Lost,
It's amazing how many people on the board that I can identify with.
I am going to take your suggestion and do something for myself. I mentioned retail therapy to my psychiatrist and he did not think it was a bad idea at all.

Feeling especially lost today. H went on his weekend conference today. Yesterday he said it was a shame me and D15 not going with; he "understood" why we are not joining him tomorrow as planned. And he also said something about having reserved the big suite. I couldn't let it pass. I said "Well it's not like I could foresee this."

Then he's leaving and wanting a goodbye hug and hopes we will have a good weekend. Maybe some time alone in a big suite will give him a taste of what it will be like when he does leave. I am foolishly hoping this and that he comes to his senses.

But that's right now; ask me again in an hour

[Ancaire]

But that's right now; ask me again in an hour

LOL....This, I understand!

[Butterc]

I had to take a break from the forums, move into some positive thinking and GAL.

I'm having more good days than bad since the bomb. I've made some short term goals. And one big one.

Before the bomb, I had applied for a job. I had put my availability to work after October 5. Then I got bombed. I decided I would not make any big decisions for a few months.

Then, Oct. 5 rolls around, and I get called for an interview. Great! I haven't worked full time in 18 years and very sporadically since. H and I decided I would be a full time mom.
So, even though I'm thinking getting a job is not something I am prepared to do, I can still use the interview as practice. (Something I used to be really good at).

Well, I guess I am still good at it. I interviewed the morning of Oct 9 and by that afternoon had received an offer of employment.!!!

I didn't have to re-think it... I accepted to GAL, to give myself something to feel positive about, and even though it may affect me financially in the future, I felt I had received the miracle I prayed for.

I start next week and I have been busy almost every day with last minute appointments for all the things I will not be able to do.

In the last few weeks, I've really felt good about myself. My H is still home, and will be renting soon next month. I have been the family accountant, and told him I need him to take an active role, so he can appreciate the budget.

When he has brought up finances and lawyers and everything related to moving on, that places me in a "bad mood funk" all day.

I've had some good cries. I've beaten a chair. I journal. I remind myself to stay patient.

Another coaching session today and therapy tomorrow. My days are hardest when he is home. He will prepare dinner for the family. He offers to go grocery shopping. Yesterday we caught up on Walking Dead together. Then he leaves the house, and I'm reminded about how empty it is and how am I going to fill up all the time I spent not thinking about him. I am so ready to go back to work!!

[tl2]

Having been left at home alone now for a while, I can tell you that it was hard at first but as they say gets easier. Spending time with caring family and friends helps a lot, as does the DB stuff.