WAS or what (2)

[roist]

I had not planned posting, but seeing as I was browsing anyway here goes.

I've been doing pretty well with my goals.

Except two.
1. I cannot focus enough on work. I am not dwelling on anything specific but just seem to be mentally exhausted. I really need to get on top of this.
2. As I approach one year of really REALLY trying to do whatever it takes to save M, I seem to be exactly where I was last year. I have changed a good bit and still working on that. I am more involved in house and kids and still improving there. But as far as W, she is pretty much dame as back then. Michelles latest posting from cadet, says that sometimes the best we can do is stop things getting worse. So maybe that is not so bad.

We get along fine, with no arguing but also no real emotional/physical connection. We share a bed, she is comfortable enough to undress in front of me. We chat sometimes before reading in bed. Always get a kiss goodnight. After that goodnight kiss I take up whatever position is most comfortable. I used to avoid contact but have reverted back to laying arm on her for a while. After that it seems like a no go zone and the rest of the night is "cold". This is the worst for me. Nights being so close yet so far.

I am losing hope that she will ever come back, even if physically she is still here. I have accepted that on some levels but not all. I am now trying to really get a life and be able to really move forward.

Maybe the year anniversary of deciding to save M is playing on my mind. Just before that will be our 9th wedding anniversary and a month later our 20th anniversary together.

Last weekend my W put on slide show of our wedding. Initially she took out computer to show her family who's wedding I was going to, as he came to ours. But she went on to show our sons the cool Thunderbird we had for the occasion and then she put it on the TV and left it for a good while.

This surprised me and I still don't know what to think about it, so I don't. In the beginning she interacted with everyone reliving some moments.At the end I thought I saw her being sad and lost in her thoughts. Me, I was happy to be able to watch it without being emotional.Boy did she look great that day. Even more than usual.

I am not doing as well as I thought I was as I am here writing instead of working. Sorry for some more of the same blah blah. Just need to get it out.