See if you can focus on you during IC. What are your goals for the next few months while H is gone? How can you build Lost08 into Lost09, the woman he would be a fool to leave?
Well, that didn't quite work out tonight. I made an effort to talk about my personal flaws in IC session and needing to work on becoming a better person. IC informed me it was too soon to do this - that I need to be careful not to take on 100% of the blame for M breakdown, that I'm still too traumatized.... Theres a difference between talking about your flaws and taking 100% blame for the fall of the marriage. In my opinion, it is NEVER too soon to look in the mirror and try to better oneself. I dont see how rehashing old problems or focusing on H's problems will help you develop anything but anger and resentment. But, Im certainly not a counselor.
Ended up talking about some of the things that occurred this week with H, including his startling outburst of rage late last night in reaction to D14's attitude. Similar to his rage at the mall a week or two back with S12. It's scary in the moment and he catches himself before physically lashing out at the kids, sometimes throws things (like his glasses last night.)
I see both his frustration and the effect on my children. It's as if they're constantly in a pattern of getting to know each other all over again with each and every trip he takes and H has so little tolerance. Usually I'm the one trying to build bridges between them. Last night, I stayed out of it. Listened to H when he talked about how certain behavior from the kids triggers his anger. Said things like "I know. I can see it" "I'm sorry you feel so stressed."
Forgot to thank him for catching himself and apologizing. Its hard to see people that you care about struggle. He's hurting. Your kids are hurting. And you think that somehow you can FIX all of that pain, right? Unfortunately, thats not your job, and you dont have those capabilities. It sounds like you did well.
I don't know what goals to have in the upcoming months. I suppose "to survive" doesn't really cut it? I mean. Sure, that can be a goal. But you can do better than that. They dont have to be LIFE CHANGING. You can see mine - take clothes out of the dryer, clean off the kitchen counters....not huge. not too difficult. But it takes discipline. And then the next month, you can build on them. So start small. Read a book a month, clear off the kitchen counters each night, dont leave clothes on your floor, get out with friends one time...
Feeling down (BIG surprise!) but also physically sick today. My pain was worse, especially this afternoon, and the nausea constant. I guess I'll have to take another day off next week to schedule the medical tests I've been avoiding. Just another thing to go thru by myself. Blech. Sorry to hear that.
I truly can't imagine myself as a woman only a fool would leave.
This whole thing has made me feel like a fool. A fool to have thought my M was special, was strong, was solid. A fool to have trusted so blindly. Just a fool. Every journey starts with a single step. You dont have to see it now. You dont even have to have the blueprints now. Just start walking. Step over step, step over step. Eventually, you will look back and be amazed at how far you have come.
And yes, I fight those feelings every day. How could I be so naive, so blind, so foolish? But as Ive said, its like hiring a carpenter to build a house and giving him no nails. Is it his fault that the house fell apart if he didnt have the tools he needed to build it?I think of my M the same way...I didnt know how to be married, and it collapsed - Im not going to go back and blame myself for that. Now I know what I need, and I can do that in the future.
