Thanks Az. Chasing her is 'more of the same', cheese less tunnel. I really enjoy talking to her, even through this mess. I think that is why I have trouble doing nothing. You are right that she needs to figure this out for herself. I know that, but I have trouble between my brain and my heart right now.
That would be my 180, if I can stick with letting her make the first contact, and not pushing her. One day at a time. Sometimes, 1 hour at a time. I am still working on me, and I need to be happy again. I am slowly getting there.
Patience is a virtue that I have always struggled with.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Just received an email from her lawyer for the child spport calculations. I am getting hammered, because W works part time, and I always worked overtime until we had issues. 1/3 of my paycheck will be given to her. I am very emotional, and upset. I had started to get my confidence back that we can be great again, but that was like a kick in the gut. So, not only is she tearing my family apart, she is crippling me financially. All because she isn't happy and doesn't know what she wants!? This may go a long way towards detachment, and LRT.
She still wants to sit together at the ball games, and at church. Right now, there is no way that I can do that. I hurt way too much.
Suggestions please!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Sitting together and/or accompanying her in public places, is not what you need to do if you are separated. Sure, you like going as a family, b/c you want to be family........but she doesn't. Yes, you enjoy talking with her and hanging out, but it's not about what you always enjoyed doing with her, or as a family. That isn't what you do in LRT.
You have to get it through your head that the place you are, now, has to be conducted much differently than when you were one big loving family. She's fired you, and now she's sticking it to you! What you do while in this time slot, will influence what happens in the future. Better to not do some of those enjoyable things, now, and maybe you'll have a chance to enjoy them more permanently, later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have not read your sitch but want to comment on the child support. Hopefully u have a L. Just last week my WW asked for $2,700 a month. Her L requested this. We countered with $1,500 and they did not hesitate to accept. So dont get to upset yet. Keep a level head and don't do or say anything you will regret. Good luck
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Made it through both ball games. Didn't bring up the support issue. Didn't sit together. I coached the first game, and hung out with the dads for the second. She brought a chair for me for the first game, but I was busy.
I didn't help her carry anything, 180. I didn't sit by her, 180 I laughed and joked with the other dads, 180 for me lately... been mopey
Both games, when our boys did something good (first time pitching, etc), she found me and was all proud and excited with me.
Am I doing this right? Any other suggestions?
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ok, I am not approaching/ pursuing her. GAL kicks into high gear starting tomorrow morning. Patience patience patience...
So, since she already wants to do "family" things together... what should I be looking for to notice if there is a change? I realize I am actually only on day 2 or 3 of this, and DR says give it a couple weeks. What would be the signs that I am making progress? Tuesday, she came to me and was telling me about her Dr appt. We talk a lot about the kids, and about the housing sitch. I let her approach me the last couple days.
I did notice that her "closest" friend who was at the game didn't sit with W. Friend is religious, and VERY family oriented. She has been against this whole thing. Maybe, losing closeness with me, and her friends, and being in our big house (that I have remodeled most of the past 2 years), and the fact that a lot of the closets and a room are empty, may start to make her take notice. God willing! I had the boys last night, and again tonight. Maybe that will help serve as a wake up call too.
I've heard that she needs to feel a loss, to see what she is doing. I hope that one of these things will do it. I have to keep up the LRT! I hate doing it, but it is definitely a huge series of 180s
Thanks for the support, and any advice!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
In my opinion, for what it's worth, it's too early to really be looking for changes in HER. Anything she would be doing ow is to try to assuage her guilt. DR says to look for changes in a couple of weeks when youre still just in the "struggling marriage" phase. You are well past this. She has already filed for divorce. I dont see how allowing her to have 'family outings' whenever she wants is going to make her realize what shes losing and stop the proceedings.
It seems to me like youre allowing her to use you as a friend and as a husband while still maintaining all of her freedom to be a single woman.
I agree that she is trying to have her cake and eat it too. So, just keep doing minimal contact, until either I give up (which I do NOT want to do), or she decides to give it another try. I look very forward to the weekend, and all the plans I have made. There is a small street fair in town on Sat, but I think I will be unavailable that night. (180) I think that I may go to a different church service this weekend also. I haven't been to my own church in years... I would kinda like to see if it's what I remember from my childhood.
It will do me a lot of good to distance myself for the weekend.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
