Got here late... but I'm here now.

[duke]

V - you are an awesome display of human sensitivity and support. I am almost in tears. Thank you a million times.

I'm in a quandary over several things and I need some advice from the board (again). I gave my wife my word that I would not change anything with our accounts, credit cards etc until she got back and I would tell her. This was for almost 4 months and with 1 full month in Europe. Several lawyers told me I was nuts if I didn't separate all the finances from day one. My wife is a teacher so wouldn't make and money over the entire summer and I didn't want my family (especially kids) to suffer in any way because of what W was doing. I didn't want her to suffer either even though she was the one doing all this. Pretty stupid of me I guess?

Well today was her first pay day and guess what? She changed her pay deposit from our joint account and deposited her first cheque into her own account. Without telling me anything. I went against the advice of several lawyers and left myself totally exposed financially so that she and my kids would be comfortably supported all summer and the first chance she gets, her first pay cheque she dumps into her own account and doesn't even have the decency to let me know.

I set up my own account finally today and deposited some cheques into it. I also transferred some money from our joint account into my account. - This may be a problem because she will see it and may panic. She will see this and may empty our account.

Should I tell her I set up this new account and transferred the money? I gave her my word and have never once lied to her.

Should I confront her about depositing her cheque first chance she had in spite all the chances I took all summer by leaving our accounts open?

Should I split up all our investments and accounts now and tell her when done?

I am at a loss here as to what I should do. Normally I am totally decisive.

Any advice?

[Ancaire]

Duke, you know I'm new, but here goes:

Don't confront her about her account.

Do let her know that you have set up your own, and you are notifying her as you'd previously promised.

Do let her know you took some funds out of the joint account to put in your new.

Be businesslike and professional about money. I would just send a straightforward e-mail. "As per our agreement, I am notifying you..."

She doesn't care or appreciate the risk you took leaving her with access to the accounts, so don't bring it up. Again, she doesn't care.

Protect yourself! Talk to your L about the investments, etc.

Others may have more info - but that's where I would start.

[Vanilla]

Duke

I agree with your Ls. Go back and get some more advice.

This is my view:

WW has taken the lead, she may feel entitled enough to go solo and have the joint funds.

Time to act.

Take your cash from the joint account, leave what is reasonable to cover bank charges, if she takes it so be it. Put no more in the account unless your L says so, discuss bills with L, pre and post. I believe you are best to pay WW directly. Close any joint accounts. You have one shot at this, quick, smooth and

I agree with Judy, any agreements you had are now invalid.

It's time to get tough on the Fins and fighting for your kids.

STFU, cards to your chest. No name calling, ok? If she rants, record it, validate and say "you have separated your salary from our account, time for me to do the same".

I believe i's time, as I said, that is now.

V

[Vanilla]

Duke, I would like you to consider my questions in purple.

V

[duke]

Hi V
Sorry, but I don't see any purple. Today was a bad day. I decided early in the AM that I would take W off our joint CC and pay down our CC using $$ from joint account only leaving enough $$ to cover expenses. A couple hours later I got an email from W's new L for the separation. My heart fell but it prompted me to take the action above. I sent W a note telling her what I did so there were no nasty surprises for her and its the right thing to do. She went ballistic. Of course its fine for her to put her paycheque into her own account but its not for me. Especially after I supported her all summer and for her trip. She said she was going to tell the kids why they cant have back to school clothes. Really unbelievable.

[duke]

V,

Just looked back and saw the purple (and the light). I have finally started to stand up to her more and more. I am requesting a set schedule and if I don't get it I will work with L to get it. Its not acceptable to me that she is not honoring our mediated agreement and if she continues to not honor it I will work with L to force her to. They are my girls too. My relationship with them is in shambles because W has alienated me from them. I have to do whatever necessary to rebuild this and make it stronger. Its all coming to a head now. I have a letter from her L and will be meeting with my new L early next week.

[Ancaire]

Duke, I know it's hard, but you are absolutely doing the best thing. Protect your time with the children - they need you. Since your WW has proven to be difficult, you really need to protect yourself. You've been gracious and kind, and you can continue to be. Just don't let yourself be taken advantage of any longer.

Don't worry about what she says she is going to tell the kids. Take them shopping when you have them next. Quality fun time with Dad!

[Vanilla]

Duke

You have pivoted.

Good for you.

Smiles and cheers for duke,

Still like to know my questions are answered by you for you, you don't have to post though, to know you have considered 180s on the verbals as well as the fins and L

I love Judy's idea go get the school clothes with your kids, enjoy.the experience...........



V

[Ripe]

My best suggestion is ask HeavyD, she is fantastic at this stuff and cooperating with her wife on co parenting, it hasn't been easy for her to reach that point.

recent post by HeavyD

Make a link to your post above.

V

Vanilla,
I would really like to read the "recent post by HeavyD" you refer to, but I think you linked it incorrectly.
Is it possible for you to correct it, please?
Thanks

[Vanilla]

Apologies. Yikes.....


this is the real HeavyD link

V