Flailing

[Lost08]

[/quote]
See if you can focus on you during IC. What are your goals for the next few months while H is gone? How can you build Lost08 into Lost09, the woman he would be a fool to leave?

Well, that didn't quite work out tonight. I made an effort to talk about my personal flaws in IC session and needing to work on becoming a better person. IC informed me it was too soon to do this - that I need to be careful not to take on 100% of the blame for M breakdown, that I'm still too traumatized....

Ended up talking about some of the things that occurred this week with H, including his startling outburst of rage late last night in reaction to D14's attitude. Similar to his rage at the mall a week or two back with S12. It's scary in the moment and he catches himself before physically lashing out at the kids, sometimes throws things (like his glasses last night.)

I see both his frustration and the effect on my children. It's as if they're constantly in a pattern of getting to know each other all over again with each and every trip he takes and H has so little tolerance. Usually I'm the one trying to build bridges between them. Last night, I stayed out of it. Listened to H when he talked about how certain behavior from the kids triggers his anger. Said things like "I know. I can see it" "I'm sorry you feel so stressed."

Forgot to thank him for catching himself and apologizing.

I don't know what goals to have in the upcoming months. I suppose "to survive" doesn't really cut it?

Feeling down (BIG surprise!) but also physically sick today.
My pain was worse, especially this afternoon, and the nausea constant. I guess I'll have to take another day off next week to schedule the medical tests I've been avoiding. Just another thing to go thru by myself.

I truly can't imagine myself as a woman only a fool would leave.

This whole thing has made me feel like a fool. A fool to have thought my M was special, was strong, was solid. A fool to have trusted so blindly. Just a fool.