V- It is a huge change. Its driving me crazy living out of boxes cooking inside and sleeping in the camper. I have to get up 15 minutes earlier which to most does not seem like much but I hate mornings. And I do me HATE them! I just want to scream. It is weird to me I no longer feel angry about leaving I feel unorganized and stressed due to the unorganization but as I start getting unpacked and into a new routine I will be fine. As his mom said she worries more about him than me. I am actually doing ok on the leaving part again its the kids that kills me. Taking the hard step of packing and leaving gave me a lot of strength and courage I had no idea I had. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I did it. I made a choice. A big choice. I only feel stressed due to the boxes moving ect. I do not feel to stressed at all about leaving anyone but the kids. I needed to leave for me and D8 and for him to realize what he has lost. If I stayed it wasnt going to change. Now that I left it has a chance to change. Just like the book says if doing the same doesn't work try something different. Ok I did a 180 I left instead of staying and begging for forgiveness. I put a boundary a line in the sand! Of course ultimately i do want to put this family back together but only if it can be a healthy committed relationship. He will have to do a lot of growing up and proving he wants to change and same with me i have a long ways to go also.
We have allowed him to behave how he does. I am sure he will attempt to get me back to being the OW but its not going to happen. In fact he said to me last night when i was there and he found reasons for me to be there that I would probably be there (at his house) more than my house because D8 will want to be there all the time. I wanted to look him in the face and say ummmmm NO that would defeat the entire purpose of me leaving. Me leaving was to give us each space to heal the resentment and anger and for me to allow you to see what it is like without me. We will not be having family dinners together unless they are at your moms house, we will not be just hanging out nope this is what you wanted me out and you didnt care about me or our friendship 2 days ago so have at it. She can be there anytime she wants does not mean I have to. But I just kept my mouth shut because actions speak louder than words. So I need to choose to stick to it and just drop her off and pick her up and not spend to much time there.
