Alligator Love

[Zues126]

Thanks all. Pool helps sometimes.

Sunny, I didn't take it wrong at all, sorry I didn't respond sooner to put your mind at ease. The comments I made all had to do with competition. In that world I am something of a Yoda at times. But once the pool cue gets unscrewed I am back to real life where I can be a bumbling fool at times.

I've been a bit quiet, it's been a hard few days. I'm not sure anymore if it even is caused by the D/aftermath, or if that's just the avenue in which I can assign an explanation to my feelings. In other words, I think I (maybe everyone, maybe just me and those like me) get down at times. I just suffer. And when I am suffering, it's easy to look at the things in my life I don't like and point to them as the cause. But I'm not sure that IS the cause. I think it's just a natural state I am in at times. Shoot, before BD I was suffering too, then I pointed at the broken R I had with STBX, and the loneliness, lack of appreciation, just the tragedy of having such a miserable M. When I was a kid I suffered too, I don't remember why anymore, just seems like I've always had pain in my heart. I think it's mellowed out over the years a bit, but it's there. So when I feel like I'm grieving my M, or missing my kids, sometimes I wonder if I just find life very painful in general, and this is either just a 'rationalization' of the pain or the most recent example of something more universally sad about life.

Also, I wonder if GAL and avoiding thoughts of my failed M is really always good. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just stayed in my room for a month in a depressed stupor, and just 'flooded' myself with sad thoughts. Would I be making it worse, or would I be processing it more quickly? At times I feel like my brain is trying to control my thoughts away from anything STBX related, and as a result I wonder if I'm burying feelings that need to be heard. I'm so eager to be 'done' that it's possible I've tried to force it at times.

Hard to say. I am aware of all of these things, though, and trying to find the right balance.

In the meantime my month at work is going terrible. It's so funny. I've been in sales a long time but the highs and lows in this job are hysterical. Financially I'll be fine, and intellectually I know I'll get through, shoot, I might even grind out a decent month, and if not I'll rebound soon enough. I mean, I just don't fail at stuff like this. I have complete faith that I'll come with something special. It's like watching a movie where the good guy is captured, imprisoned, etc. You don't think "oh no, there's no way out of this one!" because he's the main character and you know he's going to win. Instead you think "how is this guy going to miracle his way out of this!" That's how I feel about myself in sales (or games), I know I'll work some magic and amazing things will happen. But I'll tell you this- it still feels awful when you're down, even if you know you're going to win in the end. I guess that's no different than where we are in our lives right now at times.

Anyway, it all came to a head, Monday was tough, yesterday was tougher, and this morning it was all I could do to show up to work. I was afraid that the first person that asked me how I was doing was going to cause me to break down. I was sitting in my car outside of my first appointment just wondering if I could call in depressed. But that's not what we champions do, is it? So I plowed through, got a few things done, and will keep putting one foot in front of another until it's good again.

In summary, just another guy going through life. That's the same story for all of us. Thanks for sharing some of the battles with me. It's been a true pleasure. This forum is worth getting D'd for...;)