Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

[asitis]

I have to say that I agree w/ Sandi,that her asking you why you didn't say something years ago, is not positive (although I'd say it is not negative either). Anger that it took you so long may seem unfair, but that will add on to the ledger in her mind. She's thinking..."so he wants me back to do all the things he wants but will only give me what I want when I threaten to cut off what he wants..." That's not fair, but it also is not a positive. It is just what it is: the stage you are going through.

The reason she & I are warning you that this isn't a positive, is that we are trying to warn you to not take it as a sign that you should pursue or that your changes to show her that you are a good, loving H are working. They aren't. She doesn't want you as her H right now. Being loving and affirmative doesn't help. That doesn't mean treat her like sh*t, but don't think that the more sweet talk you give her,the better things will become.

Step back from your pursuit. That's what you are doing. DB/DR both have a fundamental message that you can't "win" her back. That any kind of pursuit is damaging to your cause. The best thing you can do, is turn your attention away from pleasing her on to pleasing you. Take care of yourself. Give her the space to take care of herself. And, as long as she is a WW, there is nothing you can do other than this to hasten progress. It is a waiting game in which you need to focus on making your life happy, for personal growth, and for re-inventing yourself as the man you were when she fell in love with you, only now with some improvements that come from insights you are gaining about your issues.

So, back off. It is very hard. But trust the advice of those who have learned from trying that and failing and seen so many others do the same, that you don't want to be looking for clues that get your hopes up. If she is responding positively to something you are doing, you will know it not from catching it as soon as possible, but by realizing after a pattern has developed over time, that a change has taken place. In the meantime, GAL, focus on you, and detachment really are your best bets. Take the focus off her. Hard, but worth it.