Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Beagley

Thanks for taking the time to wade through my mess. I really appreciate your insight and kind words. I do need to lighten up. I've spent 16 years being broken down, criticized, and strained. The last 6 have been just my W dropping everything on me, with a dose of coldness and anger. My focus has been on her in my posts because she was both my greatest dream, and worst nightmare. Her need was so great, and my heart so big, that she engulfed everything I am. I do need to lighten up, and there are a couple of things that I am doing to do that. I seriously could not have found your post at a better time. I'm sorry I've been offline for the past few days, but I've been really struggling with serious depression

mutatio
I understand man, but what kind of man rises up from all that and fights to be new? Anyway, thanks again for your kind words, your posts have been a welcome little light to me. To answer your question, I am who I want to be. I just want my life to not have been a waste, and not have to wake up with nightmares every night, to let my mind let go of this insane ring of crazy that I've been trapped in. To see my children happy and whole. It's just more pain, more uphill slogging through a thousand problems.

My W is utterly selfish, and I am at a point right now where I just want out. I want closure. I want to heal. I can't heal. It's just her keeping everything in limbo. She's afraid to do anything because she doesn't want to experience loss or difficulty, while completely ignoring my needs, pain, and our children's future. She's off the deep end, and I'm here trying to pay the bills, take care of my kids, and heal from all this mess. I miss her. The good stuff. Her humor, intelligence, friendship. She is exotically beautiful, my ideal. I've admired her for so long. I cherished her.

Honestly, I am trying really hard right now to not go out and someone else. I know it would be the worst move I could make, and I don't really have it in me, but it's been so long since I felt anything but this. I just want some tenderness and to feel wanted. I'm a great guy, and I'm sitting here rotting away while she strides forward happy and excited about her future. I don't know what I can do to let her go, but she's totally selfish and makes me miserable. Add the affair and it's just too much. Sorry for all the darkness. I have some strength in me that's propelling me forward right now, but my faith and hope are pretty nonexistent right now. I'm trying to do self care, working out, eating well, trying to sleep. I'm seeing friends. Everything feels hollow and empty. Does this ever go away?