Newcomer's sad story

[Accuray]

Gabs,

I believe the biggest challenge you face is your quest to achieve "balance" between doing the things you should and doing the things you should not. Unfortunately, with pursuing, there is no balance. Pursuing "a little bit" is like being a little bit pregnant. Either you are pregnant or you are not, there is no potential for balance.

You can't be "a little aloof" either. Either you are aloof or you are engaged. If you are a little aloof you will come across as someone who is engaged and is pretending to be aloof, which is just confusing. I don't agree with the suggestion to be aloof, by the way, and I also don't agree with the suggestion that you should date. That's simply not fair to the person you would be dating, regardless of the benefits it might have for your cause. Also, it's likely you will find someone who really likes you, and you're not ready for that, so when you ultimately have to tell them you don't want to go on another date you'll feel even worse than you do now.

The difficult thing about this forum is that everything about this situation depends on the nuance. In many ways it's much more the how than the what with regard to what you do and what you say. Your body language, your tone, your timing, it all matters and it's impossible to communicate in this format.

In what you're writing, you are coming across as manic -- putting on a frenzied show of being an ideal husband in the hope that you can completely erase 20+ years of marriage before the 5 week deadline expires. That is probably just how it's coming across as the nuance of how you're doing it is important, but it's something to be mindful of nonetheless.

I would completely ignore the 5 week horizon, it will just lead you to thrash. Your wife will also pick up on your energy, and will be emotionally exhausted by the unspoken pressure you're exerting. Better to give both of you a break through this difficult transition.

Rather than trying to be the Army Corps of Engineers and attempting to control all aspects of the situation, you will be better served to float with the current for a while. Focus on you, your changes, processing your feelings, and being good to your children.

Surrender to the fact that you cannot control the outcome here. That's not trivial. You have to simply surrender yourself to the fact that you cannot influence what your wife ultimately decides to do. Once you are able to surrender to that, you will feel a sense of relief.

Good things await you -- your life will be great again regardless of what happens. The more work you do on yourself the better it will be. That's the part you can control -- be the man you want to be, and take your focus off of W.

Acc