Take Joy!

[LoisB]

Thanks Bright. That means a lot to me tonight.

Scared for us and trying to have faith things will be ok.

[haunted]

These are great missions And we share the same name

[haunted]

Judge should sign off on the papers any day now.

The last 3.5 years of my life has been exhausting. Feeling this sort of cleansing grief and burnout from all that's happened.

For me, these papers represent freedom and a lost family member and a lost dream. Somehow, I reached this end point... with a lot of God's grace and a lot of support from people on these boards.

It's an end and a beginning. I feel free to live life on MY terms. It's daunting to think I, alone, am responsible for my girls. If we want to go to DisneyWorld, I will need to make that happen. If I want to help D21 get through med school, I will need to earn the income to make it happen. I am responsible for creating a decent life for my girls.

My dad didn't make his wads of cash until he was in his fifties. I can do this.

In recent months, I've beaten myself up for a perceived failure with this job in NY. The reality is... I'm tired and I have every reason to be tired.

Kinda thinking the key to a re-charge is honoring the exhaustion, resting up and then kickin some financial a$$.

I have a plan. I have connected with other writers who are earning six-figure incomes. I can do this.

I've always loved solitaire. Even when I was kid, I would spend hours on similar games where you were up against yourself and had to use strategy. I was thinking about this while playing a challenging solitaire game. When I lose, I reset the game and start over until I'm convinced there's no way to win that particular deal. I will go over countless strategies until I feel convinced I've done all I can.

I think I do that in life. I did that with Matt. I exhausted ALL possibilities and gave him every chance.

And, I will do that professionally. I will continue reworking/rebuilding/renewing/regrouping until I find the solution which works for me.

And, I'm going to allow myself a little rest. For the first time in my whole life, I feel like God has my back. I feel good with God. I KNOW God understands me, "gets" my decisions and is completely cool with where I'm at today.

When I started this journey...I used to hear this little girl in my head as I feel asleep. Every night for my entire life...I heard this little girl crying for her mom.

Now, when I put my head on the pillow, I hear God saying, "I love you Heather. God loves you."

That's what this journey did for ME. :-)

Heather, I love your outlook on things Keep your head up and good luck with your new journey!!

[job]

I honestly do not know what to say about you being fired, other than to say I'm sorry. Are they going to offer you a severance package? If so, be sure you look it over good and also how are they going to spin your firing if other potential businesses come calling for references?

I wouldn't allow my mother to get to me. Sure she's angry and she's disappointed, but she's not the one walking in your shoes.

So, now the bigger questions are: how are you going to get moved to Ashville? How are you going to pay your bills, etc.? Can you apply for unemployment until you are ready to move?

I know you've got a lot on your plate right now and I do hope that you can take some time out to breathe and try to find your center.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job. I will post more later when I have more energy. I've taken care of a bunch of stuff today and I'm whipped.

I screwed up with the job. It's not how I wanted to leave and really stings I was fired, but I had it coming. I was hanging on by a thread for awhile.

This job wasn't a good fit--mainly because Louisa was so miserable that I couldn't focus. It really came down to support. I need people. So does Louisa. We made a careful four quadrant list on all the pros and cons of leaving and staying. Asheville is the clear winner.

This time, we picked the location based on our needs and wants... We picked geography first. I'm praying the rest will follow. There is tons of opportunity. Trying to stay positive.

[LoisB]

Reading a wonderful book by Karyl McBride about growing up with a narcissistic mother. Gaining some insight into why I am always a hamster on a wheel, burning myself out and crashing.

[LoisB]

Mom told Cal I was fired. I asked. "Please don't tell anyone."

Then, mom told Cal why she (mom) is angry with me for losing the job.

In other news, got a congrats from a co-worker. She doesn't know I was fired but made it clear she thought it was a great decision to leave. Another friend told me about a time she was fired.

[LoisB]

Met with a credit counselor today and another yesterday. Have reached out for some counseling support and getting a lot of encouragement and support from my ADD women's group.

I called about the back child support money. Have a feeling Matt has grabbed it. He won't respond to me about anything now, even children related and/or bills.

Making progress, but really tired. Emotionally spent from this week.

[LoisB]

Matt called. He was as angry as I've ever heard him about our moving. Full of nasty remarks and putdowns for me.

But, get this... He isn't arguing the back child support. I get it and it won't impact our monthly amount. I also have about 1,600 in a 401k... Withdrawing means I will get taxed... But, it's there if I need it.

I couldn't stop crying when he called. He was so angry. But, I just overwhelmed with sadness. I hung up first.

[job]

Heather,
I get it! You are feeling vulnerable right now...but you've got to develop a tougher skin when it comes to what people say to you. Your mother just had to run her mouth about your situation to your daughter after you had specifically asked her not to say anything to anyone. So, in the future, keep your conversations w/her very short and sweet and don't share a lot of what you are doing w/her. She's never going to change, but you need to deal w/her in a different manner. Again, the less said to her, the better.

As for Matt, he's just a piece of work and he'll never change. He's angry that you are moving and will be even further away. He'll get over it. If he really wanted to see your daughter, he would have made the effort in the last 12 months to come see her, but he didn't...did he? Put him out of your mind because he's not worth it. Don't allow him to beat you down like this.

You need to take that coat of guilt, shame and vulnerability and burn it. You'll get back on your feet again very soon. I know it's difficult, but you need to stop allowing these people to hurt you like this...you don't owe them anything.