I was surfing the net and came across this article on what women want in a man. I have also found a book my wife put together back in 2005 on 100 things she loves about me when we made "us" official.
I know I am not to think about getting back with wife or do things to step in that direction, but work on myself. That is what I am going to do given what my MIL pulled yesterday (calling the Police for no reason, Officer was troubled why MIL did that for no reason and mentioned sometimes third Parties make it harder to get back or make things worse for their own reasons).
I am going to build a plan of action for DB'ing as advised over a month ago. This will be beneficial in my growth in becoming the best Man and Daddy I can and will be.
We have been physically separated for about 6 weeks now and it's getting easier in terms of being a part from her. Partly b/c the women I am meeting in my somewhat limited GAL scene are making me feel good and better about myself. Of course I'm not sharing my details...I'm being friendly and that I'm glad to be out enjoying myself. I don't have any intention of getting together with any of them right now, but it's sure uplifting to hear them say "your a very, very Handsome Man, over and over again (it's been a while), or I heard about your sports days and accomplishments while you were younger, or I heard you run your own company and have been successful over the years". Anyway, I'll stop cause I'm making myself feel better. lol
*** Here's the exert of what the Woman told the Man after he asked her what she wanted in a Man:
I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.
I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden.
I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.
I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.
I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.
I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.
And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me.
God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.
When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.
He said, 'You are asking a lot. She replied, "I'm worth a lot". ***
Now any advice in how to increase the chances of success in building a Plan of action on this is appreciated. In addition, If the women want to add to the above the is welcomed as well.
DB'ing is about learning and growth for each and every one of us. This forum is a God send blessing.
The future is unclear for many of us, but Miracles do happen and together our Army of one has become a force for Family and a better World for the next generations to come.
Cheers to our DB Family and those who work and fight to keep Families together!!!
Ok, I have been here since June 30th, 2015. I have yet to make any progress with my wife. I have read the DR book, had a counseling session, and been posting and reading here on the BB.
I obviously am a problem to accomplishing my end Goal which is getting family back and that starts with my wife. Now, I am finding it difficult to stay dark or give her space because I want to speak to my boys (9,6,2)every night so I can wish them sweet dreams and good night. Wife always is monitoring. I think it's because my oldest and I are very close and she knows that he doesn't want to be there and she says I sway him to think that. I honestly don't. As a matter of fact I try to listen and support his feeling and acknowledge he is hurting inside. I just can't ignore him or say let's not talk about it.
Anyway, how in the world do I 180/LRT or what have you when I have to interact with my wife daily about the kids and I also have to ask her about things regarding the kids? I have to know or if she is on welfare or assistance because she just filed for Child Support (I'm sure her Mother told her too follow a program step, b/c wife is always speaking of process and steps). I don't know about welfare or the assistance programs.
The lawyer is working on Paperwork. I was told to consider full custody cause I can only go down from there, but it will really eat at my wife and have her go buzzerk and not want to work together for a peaceful custody. I was told to consider joint custody.
I am going over the material again, but my damn emotions get in the way of my DBing. I just get irked by her acting like this is no big deal, everyone goes through this, and it's ok. She acts as she doesn't care anymore and doesn't need me. her new thing is "I'm not talking to you, your being abusive, leave me alone. I was told that she may be positioning herself for custody battle.
Please help with the steps I need to do starting again to get this right.
Honestly, I was trying to come up with some just now.
I don't have anything specific b/c I've been trying to manage my life...work, myself, and my situation and researching to become a better me. Now sometimes it's really for me and sometimes it to scheme to get wife back. Being honest.
I wasn't following the advice correctly, I think I know everything, I feel I can talk my way back into her heart.
I am about to reach out to my wife, probably via text, to try and establish a way to interact with each other because every time she feels like it or things don't go her way she interjects on my conversation with my boys and tell me not to speak them about this or that. For example, last night I asked my 9 year old where my 2 year was and he said he was sleeping. I told him to go and check him to see if he was doing fine. Wife comes on the phone and says don't put that on Son cause he doesn't need any pressure like that. I ask what the problem was and that was a simple thing to do. I told her that she was not going to tell me what to speak to my kids about and that I am their father.
I feel all of this is her own and about her insecurities. It's childish. I told her so and she hung up. I can't help her and she knows the door is open right now, but I have a feeling she is trying to be strong and also follow her mother's advice and since her mom was a single parent that "said" she did her herself she can too. We good for her mother, but wife doesn't have to look up to or listen to a woman who hates men with a passion and has her life problems to do with. But now she has a partner in crime to be miserable with.
PP mentioned earlier that living with my won't last too long and I agree. Wife will have to grow up and be a woman on her own to really see how life is, but she flew the coop from living to me to mamaland. It's been less than a month, but we shall see.
In the mean time, shall I tell my wife that I think she does take care of the kids as best she can so that she doesn't have to be so defensive to me so shall I just stand my ground and tell those are my kids and I can relatively speak to them about what I want when I want...given it's not about wife and me breaking up and what have you (not about the situation, they don't need to know)?
I am about to reach out to my wife, probably via text, to try and establish a way to interact with each other because every time she feels like it or things don't go her way she interjects on my conversation with my boys and tell me not to speak them about this or that.
I would not EXPECT that to go well.
I am confused if you are looking for her permission on how YOU should ACT?
What do you suggest? I don't want to be controlling or manipulative or whatever else she can think off or has in her head.
I am not looking for permission on how to act. I want to make things easier for my boys.
I have hurt but ok that we have split up right now. I have some hope left, but sometimes I fall weak inside.
I know she is trying to be strong and good for her, whatever it takes for her to heal or gets her to where she needs to be whatever that is.
She was the one who initiated leaving and displacing the boys not me. I was out of town when her mother decided to help her daughter move...and I know she wants her daughter to be happy but her mother is very blankity blank sorry to say.
I know wife wants to show and let me know she is a wonderful mom and may be feeling like she has done them wrong...who knows what but we need to do this better for the kids.
1. What am I suppose to speak to kids about? 2. What can and should I speak to wife about when it comes to the kids when I am trying to 180/LRT?
I keep on going back to step one and just need to start making progress.
I texted my wife that I needed to speak to her about the letter I got about my 6 year old being tardy 4 times between August 25 and September 2.
She turns around and says says it's my fault since I call and speak with them around 7pm to say "night night and sweet dreams". Of course, it's my fault cause now. They have practice from 6 to 7 and then come home and shower and eat she said last week that why they didn't call me at 7pm. Her damn story changes.
Then she texted: "You hurt me emotionally and physically". I never lifted a damn finger on her and I guess not listening to her yell is abuse too. I'm not perfect but how do you define emotional abuse anyway? Too damn subjective.
I apologized for my business failures and will not kiss her ass like she wants me too...she can do that herself!
...I reach out to talk about my son and she turns it on me.
Strongr: Just be the best man and father you can be. That's all. You are a loving husband and father; that comes through your posts all the time. Be gentle with yourself.
I find admitting to myself that I don't know what to do keeps me on the right track to living my life. So I don't know everything right now! Who says I have to?
It's okay to feel conflicted and miss your family. Not pleasant, but okay. Keep posting, venting here helps.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
