You've raised what is a very common question around here. So much so that I saved this in my personal archives:
On “Doing What Works”:
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term hit in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
(For reference, see Divorce Busting, p. 135)
I would say that you're doing okay here, but you need to be very careful that "validating" doesn't cross over into "supplicating." And once you've shown your softer side, I'd recommend that you pull back for a bit and wait for her to pursue you.
What agreement(s) do you have in place, if any, about your wife continuing to be in contact with this OM during your in-house separation?
