Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[beckyb]

I'm usually the one taking care of others. It's been an adjustment letting others take care of me. And taking care of myself.

[beckyb]

I was supposed to srart Divorce Care tonight. I just couldn't do it. Exhausted and completely overwhelmed at how fast U distanced himself from me. Maybe they will let me start next week.

[Avanti]

Hello beckyb, there has been a lot thrown at you recently and it must be hard to deal with so much at the same time.

I am sure they'll let you start next week that really won't be a problem. What you need to consider though is whether you are allowing your thoughts to build themselves into mental monsters.

Take some time to relax and think about something in the here and now, not the future or the past, right now. Some find focussing on their breathing helps, one breath in one breath out, try to think about nothing else, if you mind wanders, as it will, gently lead it back to the focus on your breathing. If you do that for 3 or so minutes,at any time, you'll feel a whole lot better. If you do it when you are really stuck in your thoughts, it'll really have impact as you've distracted your mind from making certain thoughts into something much larger than they really should be allowed to be.

There are other ways, praying for instance or just relaxing somewhere you find comfortable and thinking about something that you've really enjoyed like your soirée a few nights ago, re-live every moment, every word of praise and enjoyment that you heard from others or how you felt throughout the time.

This type of approach is going to help you to gain more control over how you feel at any given moment and so the chances of you not being up to doing something will reduce considerably.

Whatever you choose, be good to yourself and you'll be rewarded, now is not the time for any form of chastisement.

[beckyb]

Well we have a trial date and it's not until February. Not that we have to wait until then to finalize, but at least I have some breathing room if I want it. Unless there are some positive signs I can't see me hanging on until then.

[Avanti]

When you say hanging on, what do you mean? It's a worrying turn of phrase that maybe I have misinterpreted.

[beckyb]

I mean hang on to the marriage, or the hope of the marriage. I feel like I'm on the verge of letting go and pushing the divorce forward quickly.

I see no signs at all the my H will change his mind. And even if he does, I'm not sure he is capable of making the changes necessary for us to have a healthy R going forward. The longer I drag it out, the longer I have to support a big house I don't need, the more money I spend on L and the longer it will take to heal.

I pray daily for wisdom, for God to reveal my next step and for more faith to trust him for the future.

[asitis]

It's understandable to want resolution. But, what's the harm in going about your business with the reality of now? You aren't a couple any more. You don't have to act like a couple. You effectively are no longer married right now. Unless there is some real financial or safety issue that requires pushing things ahead faster, what's the rush?

The D is just a court order recognizing what has already happened. Let go of the M for now. That M is over. Maybe a new one will be something that happens at some point before, or even after finalizing a D? Who knows. You don't. He doesn't. We sure as h*ll don't. So, deal with the one thing you know you can do something about: you and your life.

Hang in there, you've had a lot thrown at you, and you are handling it well (you probably don't feel this to be the case, but you are from an outside observer's perspective).

[beckyb]

Astis,

I get what you are saying but it's hard for me to fully get on with my life living in this house. Until there is a D agreement I can't sell the without a lot of risk. He would get 1/2 and not have to reimburse me for any expenses or for the equity I am putting into the house. I have been paying all the bills since July. I can afford it but it's a stretch. I don't want to continue to do it for much longer.

Plus, living here is not helping me move on. He still has stuff here that I can't legally make him move etc.

Filing taxes is another issue.

Plus the longer this goes on the more I'm not sure I want to be married to him. He has A LOT of issues.

[Butterc]

Beckyb,

You said "it's hard for me to fully get on with my life living in this house"

This may not help, but it's something to consider. It is natural for you to feel and be ambivalent. I take a deep breath and keep going. Does the ambivalent feeling and feelings of hopelessness go anywhere? Not necessarily. This becomes a case of just putting one foot in front of the other, as slowly as necessary, and carrying on. Fun? In no way shape or form! Necessary? Probably.

Thanks for all your posts... they have really helped me.

[beckyb]

Thanks Butterc,

I don't feel hopeless about my life. I feel pretty hopeless about M. I guess if I was truly emotionally ready to get a D I would have pushed it forward. Even though I'm 99.9% sure it will end that way in a few months I guess I'm not ready for that piece of reality. Everyone says to go at my own pace. What that pace is changes from day to day.

I am still adjusting to the fact that H is gone and I'm still surprised every day at the extend of his detachment. Although I don't think it's complete on his part yet either or he would have pushed more.