Apparently OM broke his phone so they couldn't talk like usual. So she was around me more , and I wound up pursuing worse than usual. We ended up attempting to have sex(I say attempt because after a week and a half it was over fast for me )
I spent the rest of the night apologizing and telling her how embarrassed I was (I was pathetic in hind sight) and to make matters worse I snooped this morning(I know "Bad SORGAN" lol) only to realize that we only probably had sex because they were dirty talking all day making her horny for him(Not sure if that's why or not, but that's how ny mind works)
She got mad at me before she went to bed saying I am controlling her again, and trying to make her feel guilty and make her spend time with me. I am so mad at myself for continually shooting myself in the foot so consistently.
only to realize that we only probably had sex because they were dirty talking all day making her horny for him(Not sure if that's why or not, but that's how ny mind works)
I think you are right.
Okay, something I want you to stop doing. Stop apologizing to the cheater. She used you as a substitute for OM........and you apologized the rest of the evening b/c you didn't please her? That makes no sense to me. She is cheating on you!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Stop! Do not give in to her wanting sex, you think this will have you reconnect, but while she is all about OM, you are just a backup. You deserve better than this. Also, begin setting boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and mentally, you and your kids deserve to be healthy.
I know that everyone here is about not mentioning anything and ignoring when she is blatantly disrespecting you by talking to OM and texting him in front of you. You matter my friend, your feelings matter. Tell her that you will appreciate it if she respected you and not do that in front of you. If she continue I would definitely set some boundaries.
Continue with your journey my friend
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
How would I go about that? Because she wont stop so I will have to follow through. Do I say I'll leave the room? (Seems like I'm being weak if i do that)Do I ask her to leave? (Probably will be called an [censored]) or is there something else?
In my situation I told my wife in a firm voice that those actions are disrespectful and hurtful, that I ask that she does not engage in those actions in front of me because my feelings matter and I matter. I would start there. If she refuses to, ask yourself what other actions can you take? You can ask her to leave in IMHO, she isn't respecting you as a man or as the father of her children. Of course we focus on ourselves, and I am not saying to be a jerk, but you need to show her that there are certain things that you would not accept from anyone, you have to love yourself as well. Those are my .02 cents brother.
In my situation, she agreed but by that time every time she would pick up her phone, I would assume she was doing it, I became obsessive and full of anxiety, so I had to leave the house for a while to regain my mental and emotional state. I wouldn't want that to happen to you as well.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Hi Sorgan, I am sorry that you are already there my friend. This is a tough spot to be in. Now you have to ask yourself what's more important to you. We are here to support you, ultimately we would love to see you reconcile with your wife, that's what we all want. Except that this journey is about YOU, you need to focus on yourself, meet your own needs and wants, be responsible for your own happiness. Your W has already made her decision, and she continues to enforce it and do everything in her power to continue down her journey.
What worked for me, may not work for you, but think about what do you ultimately need for Sorgan to be happy and healthy, for your kids to be happy and healthy, and follow that.
We want to be rescuers to our wives, but that's not the role that we should be taking right now, we are no longer their husbands. Are you still paying for her cellphone? Why are you paying for her to be able to talk to OM? Would it be wrong to ask her to leave the home, being that she is blatantly disrespecting you and has no regards for your children? Is that fair to you and them?
These are just my .02 cents, you need to be the one to sit down and make the hard decisions, of course with compassion and love, for her, for you, and for your children.
I wish you nothing but the best my friend.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Here is a copy from a former member explaining boundaries.
Boundaries let people know where they stop and you start. Boundaries let others know how they can treat you, if you can't show someone that you love and respect yourself then it's hard for them to do so. Boundaries are for yourself and are needed in a healthy, loving relationship. You won't get the love you need without communicating and enforcing your boundaries. Boundaries are not controlling, manipulative, or blaming. Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior. When you make a boundary you are choosing for yourself how you let others treat you. When you make a choice you empower yourself. I have decided this is how I will be treated and I am responsible to myself, I am not a victim because I have a choice in my life.
How to set and enforce boundaries:
Setting: Quote: When you _________________________, I feel _____________________________.
I want ___________________.
Enforcing: Quote: If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.) I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
Example: Quote: When I ask you what is wrong and you say "Never mind," and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem to be silently raging about something, I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.
I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if I have done something that upsets you.
If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.
If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
Boundaries work for all parties involved. Try them out they help you handle it.
Thoughts, resources, examples .........
Cheers Coach
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am having such a hard time detaching and putting my foot down and setting boundaries. I need to work on putting faith in the program. I am frozen by fear most of the time when I am at home. It is easy to be strong through text messages and resolved to my decisions, but when I get home and see my kids and W it is so hard to be what I feel is mean.
I know I shouldn't be paying for her phone or waking her up every morning. Let alone rubbing her back or sex, but when she starts acting like everything is good between us I get lost in the happiness I feel in those moments. That ultimately makes me crash harder when I see her talking to him at night, and I know this.
I am going to write up some boundaries to try to follow through with. I need to be careful in my wording as I don't want to seem like an A-hole. The othher problem I realized last night I face is that half of the talking they do is on their phone game they play. So even if I cut the phone off, I fear she will just pick up the tablet and talk to him on that, and I will have done nothing but anger her and oush her further.
I do see what everyone is saying about me needing to focus on my kids and me. I am fully focused on my kids and would not tolerate her being mean to the kids, however I have a hard time on the me part. I have spent my whole life being afamily doormat for most people I'm around, even when I played games I was a doormat to the people I played with. I guess the best place to start would be to work on my confidence and backbone, so I am no longer a doormat for ANYONE.
I have a long way to go on my journey and Thank all of you for your continued support, even with my shortcomings on following the wonderful advice each of you give.
