hold on!! - 12

[asitis]

There are always ways to slow the legal system down. Your L can advise you if you want to go that way.

You also may want to discuss w/ L proposing some collateralized loan arrangement w/ W on the house buy-out if you are going to be too pinched. She may not go for it even if it is legally viable. The idea is that you use something of value that will be yours as collateral if you fail to pay the balance of the buyout on the house off. For instance, let's say you hold back $10K and make payments of $5K plus market rate interest in 6 months and a year. Spreads the pain. Just a thought.

I get the feeling frustration that W's choice is leading to setting us back financially. One of our tensions were some financial issues that we both have wanted to handle. Last year, with my increased income, we hoped to make a dent in them. Then she wanted a separation: bye-bye making a dent. Now, we will be duplicating all sorts of things from insurances, utilities, kids rooms in two dwellings. Ugh, now when can we make some progress on the finances. Very frustrating. We just stand up and do the best with what we're handed.

Hang in there.

[JellyB]

Hey U, I am here, with all the good vibes I can muster from across the planet. I agree with V, this went as well as could be expected. D15 sounds like she is waiting to see and containing herself until she knows that the next bit will look and feel like. Your S18, has done a lovely job of communciating himself, I agree with As though that he also needs, time to be 18 and respond as a kid whose parents are separating. But of course you know him best and how he manages change and stress. You haven't really spoken of your old boy S21. How are things there?

Sounds like you are revisiting emotions from BD time, that was to be expected, as I said new trasition and change in the relationship, we revisit feeling and emotions. Hang in there U! I beleive that Wife too is likly to be swinging between emotions and revisiting her commitment to you and the family. It is ever so tempting with someone we love, to want and soothe and comfort and take their pain away. Please hold your boundaries for yourself around this with wife. Right now you are inching forward, getting out of the stuckness. Potentially offering her too much comfort, will stop the momentum.

I am sorry that I have few words of real meaningful advice.

Kia Kaha U

Jellyb XXX

[Vanilla]

D15 needs her dad, you seem very similar in temperament?

Perhaps you can understand in a very meaningful way that can connect with her. It's all rather hurt hobbit.

Personally I am unconvinced WAW moving out 6 months would have helped much. besides you are where you are.

V

[JellyB]

Still here, still thinking about you...hope everything is ok...update soon lovely uturn..let us know you are ok...xxxJellyb

[u-turn]

Hi Jelly, V, Asitis and all - thank you for writing.

I took some time away from here thinking that I was helping myself - sorry - I will catch up with everyone soon.

Since I posted last, things are still moving forward. W was served (actually D15 found the unsealed papers in the door when she came home. W was mad abot this). W finalized her lease on her new place, bought appliances and some furniture (I kind of wish she wouldn't update me about everything - but I guess it would be rude to shut her down when she tells me things.)

She took the kids there last weekend to show them, D15 was a little harsh - which made me feel bad for WW. (I have been going through times of feeling bad for WW - I wish I didn't feel this way).

I expect she will move out in about two weeks. She said she is not taking anything from the house, doesn't want any settlement on the house, doesn't want anything from our life.

So what does that mean to me? I don't know, maybe that she doesn't value anything that we built. Or she wants to start completely new by herself or with OM. Or her guilt is driving her to run away and leave all memories. I don't know.

So as I see it, she will walk out of here and it will all look exactly the same, just without her and her clothes. This is really tough for me, not what I expected, but I guess I will feel like sh!t no matter what.

She is not getting a Lawyer, I don't even know if she will show up for the hearing(s) as I am not asking for anything that she would dispute.

Another thought that I have is that in the end, she will still have her foot in the door here, always needing something from the house, always treating this house as an open door to her - I don't think this is a good idea.

Another thing is that for now we have worked out some common bills that have to do with the kids (cell phone (keeping a family plan), car insurance (keeping a family plan for now though I don't think this will last), school bills (I've been paying all of these anyway....) We are going to keep a common checking account for these these things - I hope this doesn't come back to bite me.

I am going to see if we can just finalize all of this in my L's office without the courtroom - I guess.

I also think that this would protect her image as the A will never reach public record and may not reach the kids ears at this time either. OM's name will not be mentioned and his image and fake life will be protected too.

I still go through times that I am second guessing everything. W & I have been friendly to each other. But I see the way she has jumped without wanting to talk about what it would take to get it all back and I feel that this is the right decision.

Thanks for checking in - I'll be back

[SunnyB]

U, thanks for the update. My initial reaction is that her not retaining a L and not taking any settlement on the house or anything else is going to be a problem down the road. She may have cause to go back to court later if the settlement seems unfair and she wasn't represented. Talk to your L about this. And, legalities aside, she may wake up with a giant case of resentment later, which would cause a problem in your ongoing co-parenting.

I'm not at all suggesting you are being unfair, I'm just throwing out cautions. Better to be careful up front than have to go back and re-do it later.

[Vanilla]

I really agree with Sunny. Plus no joint accounts, really Difficult if you link your credit rating to W!

How is your D? I think the two of you have similar temperaments is that so?

V

[u-turn]

My initial reaction is that her not retaining a L and not taking any settlement on the house or anything else is going to be a problem down the road. She may have cause to go back to court later if the settlement seems unfair and she wasn't represented. Talk to your L about this. And, legalities aside, she may wake up with a giant case of resentment later, which would cause a problem in your ongoing co-parenting.

I'm not at all suggesting you are being unfair, I'm just throwing out cautions. Better to be careful up front than have to go back and re-do it later.

I do agree with this Sunny, I feel like all of this is going to be a problem. She mentioned leaving the equity in the house to use for the kids education. But this leaves us both tied to this house I think. I don't know if her intention is to try to keep her name on the house too. It sounds so messy to me. She says that she doesn't want to waste money on a L when there is no fight between us.

She may think we are going to remain buddies and partners after all of this. I feel that I have made it pretty clear that I am only talking about the kids and some financial things with her. (though these conversations are friendlier than they have been in a very long time).

I do need to get with my L early this week and tell him all of this. I don't think W has made contact with him as - which I think she will have to if she is representing herself.

Again - not a lot of this is going how I envisioned it. Not horribly, but not by the book.

Thanks Sunny

[u-turn]

I really agree with Sunny. Plus no joint accounts, really Difficult if you link your credit rating to W!

How is your D? I think the two of you have similar temperaments is that so?

V

I do worry about the joint account "for the kids" because she has not been reliable in any way with money lately. I see me covering the bills that are linked to this account anyway.

She doesn't want a normal D financial arrangement it seems. This does scare me a little.

Here's something about me that I can't figure out - I feel like I have to choose some things that I will allow to go W's way. She has accused me of being - my way or the highway - when it comes to deciding how to handle the kids through and after the D, including what the living arrangements should be. I have not been shy about disagreeing when I disagree about these things.

So I am kind of keeping a score card (and I see me winning as far as after the D goes). (I am still resentful about losing my/our dreams though - so add that to the scorecard and we all lose).

D15 is doing alright. She is definitely moody, often crabby, and demanding, and not understanding why the answer no is just the answer sometimes. This could all be just normal teen girl things. I am trying to handle her gently, but not let her call all the shots. I pick and choose my battles with her. She's a little boy crazy - and I am trying to balance normal 15 year old freedom and my protective instincts (and teaching her self respect) (sad to say W dropped the ball with this one - though I guess it could be another do as I say not as I do).

I am trying to figure out how to teach them what I really feel about marriage and relationships without sounding hypocritical.

I really think we do have similar temperaments (though she is much more social than I have ever been). We mostly get on great when it's just the two of us (and when it's the three of us with s18, it's always good.) I think D15 and S18 have turned to each other a little, which I think is so cool - I never had that kind of R with my family.

Thanks V - I hope you are doing better - I have started to read back on your thread.

Peace

[SunnyB]

She mentioned leaving the equity in the house to use for the kids education. But this leaves us both tied to this house I think. I don't know if her intention is to try to keep her name on the house too. It sounds so messy to me.

This is actually not a bad idea, and it's done fairly frequently. You jointly own the house with her for the next three years with a clear understanding of how household repairs get paid (e.g. if it needs a new roof, you pay for that). Then, when D15 graduates from high school (and maybe goes away to college), you downsize to a smaller place and use the equity to pay for college. It's not a bad solution.

She says that she doesn't want to waste money on a L when there is no fight between us.

Could you tell her it's required to have someone look over the paperwork on her behalf? It doesn't have to be expensive. It's certainly going to be cheaper than re-visiting in five years.

I do need to get with my L early this week and tell him all of this.

Yes, that's critical. Let us know what he says.


As far as keeping a scorecard and being resentful, well...let it go, U. There's no place for anger, resentment, or bitterness in your wonderful future. There's something better out there than what you are mentally holding on to. Don't be so busy looking backwards that you miss what's just up the road. Don't look back, U, you aren't going that way.

Underdog tells me that "resentment happens when we're expecting others to take care of our needs when we're not willing to step up to the plate to take care of them ourselves." If you want some fun weekend reading, go back to my thread and see how many times she's explained that to me. Spoiler: it's a lot. But she's right every time, so think about what that means in your life.

Overall, I think you are doing great, U. Hang in there.