Thank you for stopping by. Yes, it is a shift and I can begin to feel it happening. It sometimes takes me by surprise. I would never have imagined that I would be in this state of mind nine months ago. At that time, I thought my life was over, I was nothing, a failure because I couldn't keep my marriage of 31 years together. But here I am. I have survived this betrayal. I now have to do the work to figure out what I did to contribute to my H walking away. I wasn't strong enough to look at that until now.
I so appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences.
JudyL,
Thank you for finding me.
You are correct, we have a lot in common. Our Hs seem to only be thinking of themselves. I remember when I was at the beginning of our separation I was feeling so crazy and mixed up. My kids kept telling me that it wasn't anything I did, but I couldn't get past the shame and fear of the separation.
Time is helping and so is the detaching. However, I don't have the extra concern of having a medical issue to deal with. That must complicate things even more.
I remember the first time I realized that I had allowed myself to be bullied and manipulated by my H for years. I thought it was "love" and concern. It helps to be aware, but we also have to figure out why we allowed it and how we are going to stop it from happening again using DR and deliberate mindful techniques. That's what I will be working on.
I know you are worried about your boys. They will be okay. Once they go to university they will be busy with school and you won't have to worry about how your R with your H is affecting them on a daily basis. Support them but let them have their own R with their dad. Do not feel guilty or try to make up for the lack of a R with their dad. Once his fog lifts he will have to do that himself. You need to concentrate on staying well because you will have to be the sane person that your boys will rely on.
I have been the only parent our S can rely on for the past 7 years. He tells me that all of the time. My D is much more independent, but I have also been her only physical and emotional support. I have my ups and downs, but I have decided that no matter what, I will always be there for my kids. It sounds like you feel the same. When you are having those really down days, remember you have to stay strong and healthy for your kids. Because your H will not think twice about not being there for them.
