Thank you for stopping by. Yes, it is a shift and I can begin to feel it happening. It sometimes takes me by surprise. I would never have imagined that I would be in this state of mind nine months ago. At that time, I thought my life was over, I was nothing, a failure because I couldn't keep my marriage of 31 years together. But here I am. I have survived this betrayal. I now have to do the work to figure out what I did to contribute to my H walking away. I wasn't strong enough to look at that until now.
I so appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences.
JudyL,
Thank you for finding me.
You are correct, we have a lot in common. Our Hs seem to only be thinking of themselves. I remember when I was at the beginning of our separation I was feeling so crazy and mixed up. My kids kept telling me that it wasn't anything I did, but I couldn't get past the shame and fear of the separation.
Time is helping and so is the detaching. However, I don't have the extra concern of having a medical issue to deal with. That must complicate things even more.
I remember the first time I realized that I had allowed myself to be bullied and manipulated by my H for years. I thought it was "love" and concern. It helps to be aware, but we also have to figure out why we allowed it and how we are going to stop it from happening again using DR and deliberate mindful techniques. That's what I will be working on.
I know you are worried about your boys. They will be okay. Once they go to university they will be busy with school and you won't have to worry about how your R with your H is affecting them on a daily basis. Support them but let them have their own R with their dad. Do not feel guilty or try to make up for the lack of a R with their dad. Once his fog lifts he will have to do that himself. You need to concentrate on staying well because you will have to be the sane person that your boys will rely on.
I have been the only parent our S can rely on for the past 7 years. He tells me that all of the time. My D is much more independent, but I have also been her only physical and emotional support. I have my ups and downs, but I have decided that no matter what, I will always be there for my kids. It sounds like you feel the same. When you are having those really down days, remember you have to stay strong and healthy for your kids. Because your H will not think twice about not being there for them.
Do you like Maryann Williamson? She has a wonderful book of prayers called Illuminata.
Do you believe in messages through dreams? I had a very odd dream one night that presented me with a number. I googled the number and a website about angel numbers came up. The number was significant and talked about divinely guided positive change. Anyway it was the first time I paid attention to a number in a dream. Not sure how I feel about it yet.
I wanted to document a moment I had today with my S. He came home from work and started complaining about his job. He was complaining about how he felt they had misrepresented the job when he applied for it and how they now wanted him to do some BS paperwork. This is not the first time he has complained about the position. In fact each day for the past week there has been something.
Well, I was tired and lost my patience and said something like " if it is so bad and you don't like it, why don't you just try to find something that's more suitable to your requirements ". And then I saw a look that scared me. It was my H looking disgusted at my suggestion. It hit me. STFU, listen, validate and stop trying to fix.
I immediately apologized, validated his concerns ( it almost didn't work), and sat down and listened to him. I think what was really bothering him was something all together different than what he was complaining about.
This was an eye opening experience for me. It has been so long since I have had any contact with my H that I was having a hard time remembering what I could have done or said that would have brought us to this place of no contact. Well I was shown an example today of what I was doing. It was like getting hit in the face with a cold glass of water.
I wanted to document a moment I had today with my S. He came home from work and started complaining about his job. He was complaining about how he felt they had misrepresented the job when he applied for it and how they now wanted him to do some BS paperwork. This is not the first time he has complained about the position. In fact each day for the past week there has been something.
Well, I was tired and lost my patience and said something like " if it is so bad and you don't like it, why don't you just try to find something that's more suitable to your requirements ". And then I saw a look that scared me. It was my H looking disgusted at my suggestion. It hit me. STFU, listen, validate and stop trying to fix.
I immediately apologized, validated his concerns ( it almost didn't work), and sat down and listened to him. I think what was really bothering him was something all together different than what he was complaining about.
This was an eye opening experience for me. It has been so long since I have had any contact with my H that I was having a hard time remembering what I could have done or said that would have brought us to this place of no contact. Well I was shown an example today of what I was doing. It was like getting hit in the face with a cold glass of water.
Ask and you shall receive.
Gr8ful
Sounds to me like you did a 180 on him, is that true? In other words, in the past would you have taken your initial stance and that would have been it?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Exactly, I did a 180. Although it was my S and not my H, I saw the same look on his face and it made me realize that the DB program can not only be helpful with my M but with other Rs as well.
And you are correct, I probably would have thought, "what's his problem", what did I say that was so bad? Instead I stopped and thought, okay, this is obviously not working. No more going down cheeseless tunnels. Let me try something else to see if that works. And it did.
Now granted, my R with my S is not the same as my R with my H, but it helped me realize that I was doing more of the same that was not working. And today, my S was much more optimistic about the job he said he didn't like. Wow what a difference a day makes.
If nothing else, I'm learning how to do things in a different way and taking ownership when what I originally did was not the right approach. Maybe there were more times than I'd like to admit in my M where I had to be right. UGH! That reality s***s.
