I was picking up my children from STBX's. The ones who I haven't seen since last Wednesday morning when I dropped them off to school. I keep busy during the week, working hard, trying to keep my mind off them. But it was really hard when I was talking with my dad last week, and he kept probing me about how the kids are doing back in school until I finally erupted and told him I didn't god damn know because I had only seen them 3 hours in the last week and a half. So they got in my car, and for a minute they felt like strangers, my own damn kids, and I realized that I had 3 more hours until bedtime, and then it would be several more days until I could see them again, and then I'd get them for this tiny little window which feels like a damn jail visitation, and then they would be phased out of my life again. And I looked at the woman who made the decision to destroy my family and who stands in between me and living with my children...and I truly hated her like I've never hated before.
As is I took a deep breath, got the kids home, played a few games with them, talked a bit about the new school, watched a quick TV show, read to them, and made sure to have a few moments of real connection. I can't wait until this weekend.
This is the biggest loss I've ever imagined in so many ways. It's so devastating I'm still wrapping my head around it as life marches on in some distorted fashion, such a tragic echo of what could've been. And for a moment tonight I didn't think I could make it through.
But feelings pass, and feelings change. Letting go of expectations is more than just regarding STBX, it is regarding life. Want what I get, not get what I want. Keep breathing. I'll be ok. But I am crying right now because I miss my kids and I don't know if it will ever stop tearing my heart apart.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
