Flailing

[Lost08]

Oh boy.

Today I had the day off. And, again, I didn't tell H or the kids. Wanted to use it for myself. Probably a little too much alone time contributed to my earlier posts. Anyway...

When I was up puttering around in my underwear in the wee hours of the morning, H got out of bed. I scrambled to quickly grab some clothes. Ended up grabbing a top that can be sheer depending on the light. I realized it, but then thought, who gives a crap. I'm not even a thought in his mind anyway, he clearly said "I don't want you" and it's nothing he hasn't seen before. Said our goodbyes, including the hug H initiated and off he went to work.

I put on a more appropriate top as if I was going to work, forgot about it and left the apartment as I would any other day. Only today, before I was awash in feelings of desperation, I met a friend for coffee. Someone I haven't seen in maybe 4 or 5 years and may not see again for years.

It was nice. Ending up talking about my sitch, which I hadn't wanted to do, but it was good to do some face-to-face talking with someone who "repaired" a marriage. Theirs was the reverse - W involved with OM - and they've come thru it. Some obvious differences in our stories, but it was good to know another person out there who could understand a lot of my feelings.

Afterwards, back in the apartment alone, cue emotional overload/meltdown.

But then I stopped crying and followed thru with my plans - made the marinade, planned dinner, went to the beach and D14's gymnastics meet. Was doing better than this morning. And spoke to H on the phone when he called - no problem. Friendly. Acting as if I'm totally fine.

When I got back home, H and my S12 were out. H called to see where I was, said they were sorry they weren't home before me because they had something for me.

I told him that was nice, I would see them soon, I was going to the beach. I went back to the beach and they end up coming there to see me. H really wanted to get home, S12 wanted to stay, so I told H to take my keys and drive home. We were staying.

Well, I forgot my friend left a coffee cup in the car. Wasn't even on my radar. H comes to pick me up so I can go get my D14 from the school and he looks at me, kind of smirking, and asks "Did you go to work today?"

Dumbfounded, I repeat the question back to him and then ask why. H proceeds to say how he noticed I went food shopping today, was able to make it to D14 gymnastics meet on time, and how he thought it was odd this morning I was wearing a sheer top that you could see my bra thru. Then he immediately says "I don't care. I just put everything together and thought, huh."

Of course I said he was right, I didn't go to work. But I didn't say where I went or that I had changed my clothes. And then I remembered the coffee cup he probably saw when he took my car. So unintentional, but I hope I seemed a little mysterious and he wondered for a while about what I did. Just for a little while.