Ok first off let me say I am sorry. You have all taught me a ton. I broke all of the things I have learned and while I made huge mistakes I believe I took a huge step forward in my healing. So a little background. As stated previously I had a great week with the kids by myself. Sooo...Ex came home Sunday with OW in tow to bring stuff home. At first I stayed very composed. I went to the garage asked OW to drive around the block so I could get my kids out of the house as I do not want them there when she is there and I was willing to take them to the park so he could unload his things. This then turned into a screaming match between us and me calling her a ho* and telling him I am tired of his Gf who is a ho* and sleeps with the entire county coming before his kids. and more screaming and arguing ensued to the point that he started shoving me off the property my shorts were to big they fell to the ground he continues shoving me towards the street so I get to the street sit down and he starts shoving me in half towards the ground telling me to leave. the kids were inside playing and saw none of it thank god. So he calls his mom to come over telling her I was acting Crazy (true) and what not. So I leave with the kids go to the park for a while have a friend come watch them at the park so I can talk to his mom about all of it. His mom is like a mom to me and an amazing support. I kept asking her what I should do and she said she wont get in the middle of it it needed to be my choice. WE talked about the options. If I stay will anything change? NO If I leave there are 3 options We will both grow up decide to work it out and make the necessary changes, we will never talk again, and or we could start healing and repair our friendship. I told her I was ready to leave I had been here a year fighting for my family and nothing was getting better it was only getting worse. It got to a point he put his hands on me and i would not stand there and let this happen. This is the worst it has ever been in 14 years. so he left with OW and I made the final decision to leave. I called my dad and said I wanted to move in I would be there in a few hours. I was done. It was solely my choice. when he got home and realized I was packing and leaving he was mad...mad we got in a fight or mad I was leaving I have no idea but he was rude. I got most of my stuff out and went back to get my car and wait for D8. I told him simply I love him always will but I feel this is what is best. I did ask him to continue to support me through my tough times ahead and my therapy and healing. All he would say to me is he doesnt need to talk to me he hates me he doesn't care about our friendship he doesnt care if he ever talks to me again and he will never not a chance in he!! come back. I simply in a calm voice said to him I have heard that before and I am sure once things calm down we will be able to at least speak. He just said whatever leave me alone I dont care anymore i dont even want to be your friend. I said that was fine I am not here to argue I am done fighting about it. I gave him the information on what bills he would still need to pay (wrote them out for him) showed him how to get to the passwords for everything as even he admitted he cant get to his own bank account because i set it up and he has no idea what the password was. I then told him I was taking the car in exchange for the racecar and he would need to keep the insurance on it until the 6 months ran out as we pay it in full and I left. He called later that night wanting to know when his kids activities were I told him I would leave him a note on the desk with that information when I came to get more of my stuff. He tried to tell me I could not get more of my stuff unless someone was there with me and I told him to fly a kite I would get what I wanted I have lived there and taken care of everything for 3 years I think I can figure it out. Plus I left him everything the race car furniture appliances all three kids beds our bed all the dressers most of the toys (I litterallly took under 10 toys) a new set of pans all of the pictures (I can re print them) I litterally took my stuff left all of my food stockpile (I coupon) and all of that. Extra shampoo laundry soap all the main stuff he kept. All I wanted was what was mine the movie collection clothes and a few other items. He finally agreed I could get some of my stuff. then today he text me asking again about girls stuff and I told him I would let him know. I also sent a message saying only time will tell what happens for us we could end up not speaking at all or married you never know with us lol and he replied I am not worrying about that right now. Several times I have offered to help with the kids and he just tells me he doesnt need my help he doesnt need anything from me. I understand he is angry i accept that. I am sure he is angry because he has told me to leave 100 times and I have always just stayed kissed butt and made it work. Well this time I had enough and I just up and left. His mom was very supportive told me she has no idea why I stayed as long as i did and I am a noble person for doing it. I did everything I could to save my family and no matter what I did it wasnt going to change anything. She told me she will always be there for me and I am more than welcome to come any time call anything I need. She will continue to be grandma and be my "mom. She doesnt want anything to come between us no matter what and she is proud of all I am doing. She said she was tired of him treating me like a door mat i was at home taking care of everything while he was out doing whatever he pleased. She said he would say all the things he did say to me because I drew a line in the sand. By picking up my stuff and actually leaving I drew a line, set a boundary, that I would no longer put up with it I would no longer be the door mat and I would no longer take the poor treatment. She said it was hard watching us both go through it and that this is probably the healthiest thing for me and the girls. I will still be allowed to have a relationship with the girls and I will be setting a good example to them that I am a strong courageous woman who does not deserve to be treated the way I have been treated. she also stated I need to understand i allowed myself to be treated this way. i made the choice to stay and allow the treatment. She said it is awesome i own my part of the problems we have and she is sorry her son does not own his part. She said someday he will hold himself accountable. She said the only way things could get better is if I leave and focus on me for me not for the R. So I am doing that. I am moving and unpacking staying busy. I also have D's activities and 10 min extra drive to work ect. there will be less time for GAL with friends but I will just GAL with D instead. I feel a sense of freedom. A release of stress. I no longer have to worry what he is doing or with whom. I do ultimately want to put my family back together and save my R but i still maintain i will only be willing to do that if it is in a healthy manner and there is a major revamp to both of us. I can not continue down the same path I was on. I left to get myself healthy and in a better situation. It was a choice I made and it hurt 3 little girls terribly but i felt I needed to choose me and my daughter first. I do not want a R like we had I want something healthy that I can enjoy. I plan to continue posting on here helping myself learning making choices and saving my family but only in a healthy way. If it can not be saved I know I will be ok. I took the hardest step yesterday and split the family up so I feel like I hit my lowest it can only go up from here. With that said I did move my counseling session to tomorrow as i do not think I could wait until Thursday I need to talk. I am sad hurt scared of the future. Scared we may never work it out but I now know I have the strength to move forward. I made a lot of mistakes yesterday yelling acting crazy name calling judging belittling fighting yelling all of it but it gave me the strength to do what I needed. IT was all choices i made good bad ugly they were choices and I can change them any time I want. I did talk to middle daughters mom and she yelled at him also and said she does not support him now and does not support any decisions he has made in the past year let him have it about treating me the way he does and bringing more people into D's life and how she supports me and not him. I talked to two of the kids mine and middle and have let them know they can talk to eachother anytime they would like they are more than welcome to call eachother call me call him be sisters anything they want to be easier on them. They can stay with me with ex with grandma I dont care as long as they are happy and it is a healthy environment. D8 has called ex every night. He even offered to me I could leave some stuff at his house to store if I wanted instead of getting a storage unit. So I am not sure he meant all the terrible things he said yesterday but I also understand they were most likely said out of anger. I know he was caught off guard that I was leaving. When I told him this is what he wanted this was his choice he yelled back it was my choice he didnt tell me to leave he just told me to leave him alone and it was all my choice I decided to take my stuff and leave then he went off about how he told me I could leave any time blah blah....well buddy you have told me to leave several times and finally I did it. I dont think that was exactly what he wanted. He didnt seem as happy as he should have that I was doing what he wanted. he seemed pretty upset I was leaving very angry with me. But again it was my choice I could have easily stayed and continued the pattern but I am breaking it. I plan to go dark unless it involves the kids or he calls or texts first. I want him to initiate conversation. He did ask to talk to me tonight after he talked to D8 on the phone wanted to make sure I was letting d8 stay at gmas wednesday and light conversation. But I feel we have both caused this I am the one fighting to move forward and get healthy he is continuing his ways and I am sure he will do whatever it takes to prove us all wrong and make his R work with OW and that is fine. I am being given a gift of time to work on me. Maybe when I am healthy I wont want to fix my R maybe I will I wont know until that day comes. Right now i want to focus on me and D and breaking my own bad habits! thanks all and I will keep working and posting!
I know this is hard and scary, but your future will look different than the past. I'm sorry it had to get so tough before you had the strength to move, but I'm proud that you are taking this step. Independence was imperative. I knew it was needed, and I knew it would come, but I knew it would take time. This is a big day for you.
Don't look back, no matter how tempting. It's all about you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Your post is a stream of consciousness, outlining that you are leaving with your daughter.
This is a new start for you and D8, a change. The strength is there because you have the courage to change and grow, because of IC, DB but mainly because of you.
It's time for you to be healthy, your ex bf will either grow up or not, he has children to take care of. His dynamic is triangulation so it won't be long before he seeks a second OW.
If an OW came around my home I think that I would be angry too. Good for you. It seems so far the women in this little boys life have only pampered, indulged and spoiled him. Allowing him his entitled way.
There is a journey ahead.
(((((((Hugs))))))))
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi 4, I'm pleased you are taking this step. An important boundary for you has been breached and you have reacted accordingly. I agree with others, it hasn't been easy for you, but you have been soaking up information like a sponge and have been willing to dig deep within yourself too. It is still early days on this front though, so continue that journey for yourself.
Now, within all this trauma, focus on finding a haven for you and your D. Somewhere that gets to be just yours. Where the mayhem of OW sitch is not part of your life. That is his chosen life - not yours. Enjoy making this place your home. I had little money when I moved and I enjoyed creating rooms from charity shop furniture that I upcycled, stuff that was donated and borrowed. My flat is a little haven now and people only make it into my life if they are benign, friendly and want the best for me. H is not one of that circle just now.
Have strength and take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
4, I both sorry to hear his and happy to hear this. I'm sorry it was necessary and played out this way, but so happy you are away from him. I do have a problem with your saying you split the family up --no, sweetie, you didn't do that, he did.
I wouldn't be surprised if he starts sweet talking you soon, asking you to come back when the hard reality of all you used to do for him sets in. Be strong, it's not the time to go running back. Post frequently, take things slowly. I'm so proud of you.
Zeus. thanks. Everyone kept telling me there would come a time I would reach my breaking point. I guess I did. I am sure he is telling OW he kicked me out which is not the case at all it was my choice. I could have sat there kissed a$$ again and started they cycle again but no I chose to leave! You know the first 2 days were hard but he is making it easier and easier every day. The only thing hard for me really is not having the kids all of time, that will take an adjustment but I will get through it. He called sunday to ask when the girls activities were...he could have asked them, called the teacher, asked his mom, or looked at google calendar but no he called. I am sure it is easier for him to just call and I tell him but I also wonder if it was just a reason to call???? Monday night d8 called to tell him she made the competition team for gymnastics and she asked if she could talk to her sisters I said no they were probably in bed. He again asked to talk to me asked what I said no about I told him and then told him it was no big deal they would all be staying together at his moms wednessday. he then proceeded to say that was what I wanted to talk to you about I wanted to make sure she was going the girls are really excited...Again something he could have talked to his mom about or asked D8....Tuesday evening he sends me a text asking if I sent his graduation thank yous (I told him 2 months ago I wrote and sent them) if I paid the house taxes (again could have asked his mom as he knew she paid them and we had to pay her back..no I didnt) and if I transfered money to his account like I said i would (no I hadn't did that today) Again could have checked his account to see. I stopped by to get my mail as I checked to post office box and it was empty and I hadn't checked mail in a week so I knew he had done it. Went in ignored his text as I got it when I was pulling in the drive way went in asked if he got the mail and if i had any he said it was on the table so I sorted it threw away what I didnt want gave the girls hugs and kisses and started to leave. He says wait grab the clothes from the bedroom..I said ok...went back mine in a box girls in a pile I yelled am I just supposed to go through this and get what D8's? He then comes back and starts putting his clothes away? Seemed kind of odd to me as he was sitting at the desk figuring out bills! He said yea i have not had time to go through it with the girls you know I have no idea whos clothes are whos but I will figure it out. I said ok. He said well I will right I will get it. I said yes your doing great. (I felt like he was asking for my approval or a pat on the back for giving it a go???) I grabbed the box and was headed out the door. he yells hey did you want these scentsy's? I said yes I need to finish unpacking what I have and then I will figure out what to do with the rest. I will probably have to get a storage unit. he said I dont have to i can always store stuff here. I then said ill figure it out do you mind if I have D4 on Tuesdays. he asked why I said because its my day off and I always spend it with her and i would like to continue spending some time with her. He said he didnt need a long explanation he just asked why. Ok so he agreed to that but I need to text him to remind him until he gets on a schedule. ok whatever. so by now i have tried to leave 3 times and he continues to have questions. I have already left him a note monday with girls schedules when I grabbed more stuff while he was at work and an explanation on how to get into my google account so he can see calendar I left him a list of bills he still needed to pay with due dates. So now 4th time i try to leave he is again at the computer and I annoyed say Is there anything else you need. Well yes I need to know when the Credit card is due (Yep I left a list of all of his passwords so he could have signed in a checked that also) so I tell him and again give girls hugs and kisses and leave without saying goodbye. Is it me or is he making excusses to call and excusses to keep me in the house a little longer? Am I just thinking to deep???? Today I hadnt heard from him. I let him know I transfered the money and would drop his checkbook off when I got into town with D8 to drop her off at grandmas. I went to the house and OW was there so I did not stop and drop it off I guess he can wait until Next time I am in town. It just shows me that he is a selfish stage. the first night he has no kids he has her over there. Also shows me he doesnt much care that I left. I am just glad he left the kids out of it. I am sure in her mind she is jumping for joy thinking she got the better deal but I can not wait for them to hit reality I hope it hits them like a brick. He isnt who he is to her in reality and things will not be as easy as he puts on. That is fine It just gives me more motivation to become Awesome!
V- It is a huge change. Its driving me crazy living out of boxes cooking inside and sleeping in the camper. I have to get up 15 minutes earlier which to most does not seem like much but I hate mornings. And I do me HATE them! I just want to scream. It is weird to me I no longer feel angry about leaving I feel unorganized and stressed due to the unorganization but as I start getting unpacked and into a new routine I will be fine. As his mom said she worries more about him than me. I am actually doing ok on the leaving part again its the kids that kills me. Taking the hard step of packing and leaving gave me a lot of strength and courage I had no idea I had. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I did it. I made a choice. A big choice. I only feel stressed due to the boxes moving ect. I do not feel to stressed at all about leaving anyone but the kids. I needed to leave for me and D8 and for him to realize what he has lost. If I stayed it wasnt going to change. Now that I left it has a chance to change. Just like the book says if doing the same doesn't work try something different. Ok I did a 180 I left instead of staying and begging for forgiveness. I put a boundary a line in the sand! Of course ultimately i do want to put this family back together but only if it can be a healthy committed relationship. He will have to do a lot of growing up and proving he wants to change and same with me i have a long ways to go also.
We have allowed him to behave how he does. I am sure he will attempt to get me back to being the OW but its not going to happen. In fact he said to me last night when i was there and he found reasons for me to be there that I would probably be there (at his house) more than my house because D8 will want to be there all the time. I wanted to look him in the face and say ummmmm NO that would defeat the entire purpose of me leaving. Me leaving was to give us each space to heal the resentment and anger and for me to allow you to see what it is like without me. We will not be having family dinners together unless they are at your moms house, we will not be just hanging out nope this is what you wanted me out and you didnt care about me or our friendship 2 days ago so have at it. She can be there anytime she wants does not mean I have to. But I just kept my mouth shut because actions speak louder than words. So I need to choose to stick to it and just drop her off and pick her up and not spend to much time there.
Sotto No haven here. I have a very small room at my dad's that all my boxes and clothes are in and we are sleeping in the camper in his front yard when he is not using it and in the house on air mattresses when he is. D8 is loving sleeping in the camper. I am excited to try to rebuild a healthy R with my dad and grandma. As you all know my dad and do not have any kind of a relationship. It also makes me happy to see him trying to build a R with my daughter. I am still very leary of trusting him when he says he will take her and do stuff and what not because that is just not who he is to me. I was also a little weirded out when he gave me a half hug the other day. My dad never hugged us never helped us nothing. He even gave me gas money. It was weird. I worry about his drinking infront of D but he seems to only have a few a night and most of the time its right before bed. I can not put pictures up or anything because he is actually in the middle of remodling but at least it is out of that chaos. I will get it all figured out. Right now I am focused on paying off my credit card and my judgement from the Dr's office so I can improve my credit. I do not have to pay anything to live here so pay those off then save save save.
There is no excuse for him to get physical and shove you.