Checking in. Had an interesting weekend after getting served on Thurs. Synchronicity being what it is, I went right from that awful night into a four day men's group. I'd never really done "men's work" like this before. It was profound.
For four days I watch men bare their souls, cry, scream, laugh and take care of each other. I wept for the loss of my M and the unborn child that never came to be. I let it all hang out. Talk about terrifying and cleansing at the same time.
On the last day I had a life changing experience. One of the older men who has a terminal illness started crying and told me to the group, "I am going to die in a year or two, but you have given me faith to know that when I pass there will be men with the courage to hold themselves to a standard that other men can't. And the honesty to share their mistakes and misfortunes in order to make other men better."
I cried like a 5-year old who'd stepped on a bee when he said it.
My W left me for a number of reasons. Many of which were due to the hurt and pain that I caused her by lack of integrity, my lack of honesty, and my lack of courage. I own that.
Hearing this man made me feel like I had graduated. I am now a man that only a fool would leave, even though my work is not done. I have been recognized for these qualities by people who I hold in high regard.
Unfortunately I don't believe my W will ever know this. Or that it matters to her. It seems that the hurt we levied on each other is still something we don't talk about or share with each other. I won't say it's her loss, because it is both of ours. She is an amazing woman who appears to be spiritually bypassing the real conversations, issues, and pain that drove us apart.
That's all I have for today. Hope there's peace in the DB world.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
