My H (LD/ND) and I have been married for almost 2 years; we're not going to make it to the 2 year mark, unfortunately. We've been together since 1999, with a brief time apart in 2000.
During most of that time he has not contibuted financially at all. We started counseling in Oct. with the problem of HD/LD and the money issue. HE is the one who asked for counseling. Now, I think he was using that as a means to the end. I'm not sure why though as he is not capable of moving out and supporting himself. Everytime we have a fight he insists that "I" am kicking him out, which isn't true. I only recently brought up the idea of divorce.
The counselor has told him that he needs to do the following: 1) initiate 2-3 times a week and 2) contribute consistently to the finances. I'm not sure if he expected her to say that he never had to touch me again and never had to hand over a single penny. He simply doesn't want to do either of those things, so I'm the bad guy in all of this.
Suddenly, everything is my fault. I've been trying to kick him out for the last 2 years. He's been trying to find a job for the last 2 years, and I haven't helped him in any way. He's given up everything...what more do I want him to give up. Yet, he fails to realize that he has lived with me for 3 years now (2 while married) and has never had to pay a dime towards the mortgage. I've taken money out of my retirement and refinanced my house to bail him out of bad business decisions in his business before he started "looking" for a job 2 years ago. He said some awful things to me today that I can never forgive. At one point I suggested that he just get his gun out and shoot me instead. He's, however, willing to continue working on things if I "support" him.
Sorry, I mis-typed...he is saying that I've done all these things when I really haven't. I have not been trying to kick him out for 2 years; I have no idea why he's saying that and other things.
I haven't had much sleep over the last couple of days. When I say that he's willing to work on things if I "support" him I mean in the sense "be there for him." He always throws "oh, it's all about money" in my face if I point out that I am, and have been, the only one contributing to the finances.
What does he say to the counselor about the things he is supposed to be doing, like getting a job? The man has been living off you for 2 years, thats a pretty long time. I would be pretty outraged by that. Has he been in school or something? Kinda have to agree with HD there, you need a lawyer.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck and please, take care of yourself and get some sleep. We tend to make crappy decisions when deprived of sleep. Annette
Has he not had ANY job during the past 2 years? Does he at least apply? Is he being *too* selective or does he need education? How does he think you should be helping him find a job other than supporting him? Does he need help with his resume? Has he gone to any of those Job Finder places where they help you find a job? Has he ever been sexually abused? Is he a stoner? Was your sexlife ever satisfactory/good/excellent? Are you still *in love* with him? Does he speak any of your LLs? Who proposed marriage? How did he react to the D word?
Just from what you've posted, he sounds incredibly immature and if you want to have a family, he's not anywhere close to that. You need to decide if you're willing to continue supporting him and *hopefully* fixing things (no guarantees, right)... or move on before children become involved.
He always says that "he's trying" or "he screwed up." He was self-employed as a remodeler when we met and has done that off and on still. He currently has a sales job but has only made $500 since starting that one; he's had 2 other of the same type jobs but hasn't made any money doing either of those. The BIG job is always pending; he always promises that he'll help out when that one comes in.
OK, the family part made me smile - THANK YOU. I'm 46 with 2 teenagers from a prior marriage...not planning a new family. I absolutely wouldn't have kids with him anyway.
He is like having another teenager (a 38 year old one) in the house; he wants a fun, non-disciplined job. He has a degree but it's not terribly useful (Aviation Management). He was a pilot years ago but was downsized. I don't really see him as lazy; I'm not sure what the deal is here.
He has a sister (36) who just now is being weaned off mom, so I think a lot of it comes from the family life. His dad was an alcholic who abandoned the family when my H was around 9; his dad was out of his life until he was around 19. He worships his dad. His mom remarried after the kids were older. She dated the guy for years, and my H did once catch them fooling around on the sofa. I don't think he was abused though.
I'm glad I took the day off today...I don't think I could have worked on the highly technical plan I need to do:)
Yes, he has applied for jobs but only sales and aviation related. Yes, I have helped him with his resume (I'm a writer, believe it or not). He will not apply to any type of structured position (i.e., set hours). He's one of those people who would get a job immediately if he could get in your face; he's more impressive in person than on paper.
My intention is NOT to hurt your feelings, but I want to ask you a few hard questions.
-Did you marry this guy thinking you could change him?
-Are you horribly ugly and unsuitable for a decent guy?
-Do you like abuse?
-Why were you attracted to this guy in the first place?
I despise divorce, but I have 28+ years invested in a marriage, that was at least acceptably functional in the beginning. Has your relationship ever been what OTHER people would consider as functional?
I am not trying to be mean. What I want to do is to get you to ask yourself the hard questions and answer them in short order. You also need to take immediate action based on your decisions. All talk of guns and violence has to stop immediately, even if you are only saying those things because you are upset. Desperate people are capable of desperate actions.
If what you write is true, then I think that you need to distance yourself from your husband asap.
Do understand that this is just my opinion, you have to decide what is right for you.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Does he need help with his resume? Has he gone to any of those Job Finder places where they help you find a job? Has he ever been sexually abused? Is he a stoner? Was your sexlife ever satisfactory/good/excellent? Are you still *in love* with him? Does he speak any of your LLs? Who proposed marriage? How did he react to the D word?