I strongly encourage you to not agree to anything else before running it past the board first. Not to imply that the board needs to control your life, it's just that you do not have the information (DB tools) to deal wisely with what you are facing.
Sure, your gut is telling you to believe her, b/c you desperately wanted to believe it. Plus, as Zues said, at the moment she may have meant it. Affairs are highly, highly addicted! If you know anything about addiction, then you know it's not that simple to just say it's over and she won't do it anymore. There needs to be a plan.
The fact that she has been the one to lay down stipulations on her returning (separate bedrooms) instead of you giving the conditions.........is not good. She will continue to call the shots and deceive you, while she secretly contacts OM.
The first thing that needs to happen is for you to tell her that there will be a transparency plan. This is to help her and you while she goes through the emotional withdrawals. Without any notice or schedule, you should be able to look at her phone messages, emails, etc. She should not leave the room to talk on her phone, or use the computer behind closed doors. She should be able to verify where she is and with whom whenever you check. There should be no girl's night out, going for late drinks, etc. with"friends". There should be no tolerance for her hiding her phone while she's texting or reading texts. There should be no protest or claims of "privacy" or "her personal business" or that it's "just a friend". If she is not willing to do these things, and whatever else it takes to earn your trust and save the MR........then she is not being upfront with you. It's not about you controlling her or being her prison guard. It is about what is necessary for her to get through to the other side of the A and for you to be able to trust her again. Otherwise, it won't work. You will spend the rest of your M in separate rooms.
Do not underestimate her. If she knows ahead of time that you will look at her phone, she'll delete anything she doesn't want you to see. When the cravings to contact OM begin, she'll devise a way to do it, if at all possible. Only this time, she will take it deeper underground.....if there is no solid plan of action in place to help her. You not only have to be strong for yourself, you have to be strong enough to emotionally support her, and to stand up to her, during the withdrawal stage. She will not be at her best. She will be very depressed, and maybe frantic to hear from OM. It can last for months!
Another thing you should require is that you both attend MC. She may agree right now, and then try to back out. Stick to your guns. If she's still contacting OM, then MC or nothing else will work.
Whenever a WW is allowed to go back to the marital home, without doing any "work" to heal the devastation she's caused........you can bet she's not going to respect the betrayed husband, nor find him sexually attractive. She needs to understand it's not so simple as walking in and picking up where the MR left off. And if she has an attitude of "why can't you just get over it"..........or if she blames you for any part of her A.........she is very far from the remorse she should feel.
I really, REALLY wished you would have waited to discuss her moving back with the board. You may think this fixes things in the M, but it doesn't. Learn from this, please! You were the betrayed spouse. Your feelings matter! You need to be respected as a man, and as a H. That should be top priority from this point forward. You cannot trust her until she's gone through the process and you can finally tell she's her old self. It doesn't happen overnight. Don't be lazy and don't show any fear in front of her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well not the start I wanted had a text to say she would eat at her friends where she has been staying and she'd text when she was on the way home.
So ate dinner with the kids by ourselves knew particularly my daughter was disappointed as she had thrown a sickie so she could be hear as she normally works on a Tuesday evening.
Do I express my disappointment when she gets in or do I let it go I don't want to start on the wrong foot.
I would act "as if", not expressing disappointment, consistent with DB advice.
Me:29 W:27 M: 4 years T: 5 years No children S: 7/7/15 EA: 7/7/15 BD/"I'm done": 7/15/15 MC: 7/7/15-8/21/15 (failed) PA: 8/29/15 W Files for D: 9/9/15 D will finalize in 60 days
In the past, who would you say steered the MR? Which one was the giver and which the taker? (which one gave the grief and which one took it)
Did she show disrespect, treat you like a doormat, spew wrath on you, or things along those lines? I'm just trying to get a better picture of the M, b/c you haven't given us any history.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sounds strange apart from sex (which I didn't realise) the marriage was good we never argued and I thought I was very lucky to have a good marriage.
She has always been the boss and if she wanted to do something then she would regardless of my feelings. She has got into running so she does go out more ( I am confident not see to OM) and perhaps looking in our lives have slightly drifted on our paths.
Last night was hard I actually felt more alone than when theBD as she was only next door I've always made a coffee in the morning and bought it up before going to work I asked if she wanted one the morning and she said no, that hurt -silly eh?
Don't know how to play the next few days struggling with work but if I'm home I struggle there too.
Just re read your post she never showed any disrespect always good to me everything a man could have in a wife I had ( except the sex which I s'pose i'd got used to not having)
She says she has felt like a nun these last few years ( I wanted to say you'd get out of the habit but thought it prudent not too!!!!!!!!!)As she said I never even held her hand whilst we were on holiday and I kick myself now but I just didn't see it.
It's not that I find her unattractive I dunno maybe subconsciously there were no vibes coming from her so I didn't respond in that way.
Apart from that everything was good or in my eyes anyway.
