Jesus, situation sounds just like mine. The sex part, the no tomorrow part. Mine still has not sent in the divorce paper work yet. She is up and down back and forth. It is making me insane.
Friday, she cried in the lawyers office, saying she doesn't want me to feel like I am getting screwed over. I told her that I felt like she has been leading me on, and manipulating me. She has been so much nicer and closer to me after she filed. She said that she feels like we can still be friends. Says that she knows she could tell me anytgimg, because we have always been so close. Said she knows we could work things out, but she has no feelings for me that way. Said that she was tired of living a lie. We have 3 little boys, and moved to a big farmhouse 2 years ago. Said she hasn't been happy in years. Wish she would have told me that she felt that way.
Sorry to repeat myself, just venting mostly.
I am giving her what she has asked for though, she wanted to know what life would be like if we divorced, so here goes...
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I want to tell her that if and when she finds herself, to let me know. I want the real her to grab our rings and come find me. Nothing is irreparable that we have been through. She just had to want it again. That's on her.
Meanwhile, I am still in counseling and trying to be the best me that I can be. I have been able to smile and laugh more the last couple days. It's a start!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
How do I know when her actions are more loving vs "leading me on"? After I stood up for myself a few days ago, it seemed that we were making progress... but I am not sure if it was, or if it was appeasement on her part.
Re-reading DR, yet still confused.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
To clarify some DB terms, "Going Dark" is for couples who do not have children in the home that requires co-parenting. Either they have no kids, or their kids are grown. Going Dark is as if you fell off the planet......as far as she knows. Absolutely no contact! No responding to her contacts! This is what Michele refers to as the Resort after the LRT.
I think what you are looking for is The Last Resort Technique or Dropping the Rope. DTR is when you let go of the emotional rope you have tied to her and let go of the control. You emotionally detach and focus on only on you and your kids. It's as if you were D. Be sure to read about detaching on Cadet's page.
Your interaction with her is business style. Not cold, sulky, or mad. Friendly-polite (and careful not to overkill on the friendliness). She is an old nosy neighbor who wants all the details of your life. Speak, smile, wave, and get the heck out of Dodge. She's fired you as her H, so don't hang around to be an available friend to give your shoulder, or an errand boy, or her handyman. She wants out, so let her have a taste of what that would be like.
Your W is wanting the best of single life and married life. If she felt "so close" to you, why would she keep you dangling on the end of the D line? Why should everyone's life be put on stall while she waits to see what her feelings dictate??? Pretty selfish, wouldn't you say?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandy, I guess DRT is more where I am at. Yes, I agree that she is being selfish. Not thinking about anyone but herself. It is so out of character from out first 13 years together. Since she has "lost herself", I hardly recognize her most of the time. Occasionally there is a glimpse of my wife in there... but most often not.
I just finished re-reading the LRT section.
What should I do about church? She wants us to sit as a family, but I don't know that it is the right thing to do. I don't want to hurt my boys, but, I want to give myself the best chance at having a reconciliation.
5hanks for your help Sandy, it's a great help to see some of the other side of this
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
We have been sitting as a family when it's my weekend, and usually going out for lunch after. When it's her weekend, she is hit and miss on bringing them. It's her church that we belong to, not mine, so I don't know what to make of that either.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
We have been sitting as a family when it's my weekend, and usually going out for lunch after. When it's her weekend, she is hit and miss on bringing them. It's her church that we belong to, not mine, so I don't know what to make of that either.
Sounds like if the kids are there she wants to be seen with them.
Why do you keep going to "her" church even when its not your time with them? Why are you going out to lunch together afterwards?
